Happily alone with myself
Things continue to be great. I'm in a time of change...nothing specific, but I can feel change coming. I think I'm naturally geared toward change, and I never remain stagnant for long. I can feel myself needing to push to new things, and I really enjoy it. So I'm going to see what that looks like.
I also think that being single is a healthy thing for me. I've realized that without being in a relationship, I am somehow a better version of me and until I meet a guy who makes that true in a relationship, I'm going to stay this way. I'm less afraid of everything. I focus on the world outside me and how I can contribute to that, rather than how I can somehow meet this imaginary requirement I put on myself of having a partner. Like I wasn't good enough unless I was wanted by someone. I seem to be more determined than ever to reach goals, and I find it easier than ever to just relax and be with myself. I find myself daily in these states of sudden joy and bliss for no reason whatever. I do realize that some of this may be because of the pain and chaos that has characterized the majority of my relationships. However, maybe that's all the more reason to adore being alone. If something you're doing causes pain, over and over, time to stop doing it. Duh.
I also find it interesting that I've found myself resisting this happiness. I've been somehow afraid to think that I'm better off alone. It's almost like I was so determined to be in a relationship...to somehow be 'worthy' enough or 'good' enough to be someone's girl...that I was missing the fact that I could be happier by myself. And when I suspected that I was happier by myself, I suddenly tried to resist it. I didn't want to believe that I was someone who would always be single. Maybe I was meant to be by myself. Maybe not and some guy will come by who will make me feel just as good with him as I do by myself. I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm going to stop thinking about it, searching so hard for it, and letting it run my brain and my life. I'm no longer interested in being in the business of hating myself. That took 43 years, but better late than never ;)
I'm going to enjoy this beautiful happy life that has suddenly become so obvious to me. It's like it was always here, but I was too blinded by things to see it. Now that I've taken the blinders off, I have to say: holy cow am I happy! Happier than I've ever been in my life. Ever.
Now, I'm off to really grab life and give it a run for it's money ;)
I also think that being single is a healthy thing for me. I've realized that without being in a relationship, I am somehow a better version of me and until I meet a guy who makes that true in a relationship, I'm going to stay this way. I'm less afraid of everything. I focus on the world outside me and how I can contribute to that, rather than how I can somehow meet this imaginary requirement I put on myself of having a partner. Like I wasn't good enough unless I was wanted by someone. I seem to be more determined than ever to reach goals, and I find it easier than ever to just relax and be with myself. I find myself daily in these states of sudden joy and bliss for no reason whatever. I do realize that some of this may be because of the pain and chaos that has characterized the majority of my relationships. However, maybe that's all the more reason to adore being alone. If something you're doing causes pain, over and over, time to stop doing it. Duh.
I also find it interesting that I've found myself resisting this happiness. I've been somehow afraid to think that I'm better off alone. It's almost like I was so determined to be in a relationship...to somehow be 'worthy' enough or 'good' enough to be someone's girl...that I was missing the fact that I could be happier by myself. And when I suspected that I was happier by myself, I suddenly tried to resist it. I didn't want to believe that I was someone who would always be single. Maybe I was meant to be by myself. Maybe not and some guy will come by who will make me feel just as good with him as I do by myself. I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm going to stop thinking about it, searching so hard for it, and letting it run my brain and my life. I'm no longer interested in being in the business of hating myself. That took 43 years, but better late than never ;)
I'm going to enjoy this beautiful happy life that has suddenly become so obvious to me. It's like it was always here, but I was too blinded by things to see it. Now that I've taken the blinders off, I have to say: holy cow am I happy! Happier than I've ever been in my life. Ever.
Now, I'm off to really grab life and give it a run for it's money ;)