*cough*
So, it's only two and a half days until christmas and despite all the snow i gotta say it doesn't really seem like its " that time of year" already.
We went over to my grandparents house last night and decorated the tree and while it was fun and nice to be around the family, it was still mildly depressing. This year the tree was fake, as it has been just about every other year, but it was a new tree right out of the box and not the one that we had had since before i was even born.
All of the decorations were new vibrant colors, and made of plastic. Some were smothered in glitter while others only had a few decorative strips on them. Now, don't get me wrong, the tree was beautiful, the decorations were beautiful, everything was really nice.... but it just wasn't the same.
The only christmas decorations that managed to survive the fire were a few little icicles that were this chalky opaque color... They were the first decorations to go on the tree.
This year my dad wasn't there to help untangle christmas lights, or help to set the tree up straight. Every year i've kind of chuckled to myself as my 6'2 dad has tried to wedge his jolly little belly up under neath the tree while he grunts and squirms around while my mom and grandmother squak at him " no no more to your left! no the other left!" while he's trying to get the tree to stand up just right. Neither one of my brothers helped, but they were both there.
Memorie was with us this year... When I asked her what she wanted for christmas her response was " To spend some time with your family"
So that was what she got. I wish that i could see my family in the light that she sees them in. I love my family, as tattered and tainted as it is. And I don't think that anyone should be without a family for christmas, no matter what.
The holidays have always been mildly depressing for one reason or another. This year its probably the snow thats cause all of that lol. That and the fact that my father and i still aren't speaking. I don't think that I've talked to my dad in just over two months and i honestly don't see that streak breaking anytime soon. There are also a few people i miss this season that i wish were here but probably wont be. so without naming names, i've decided to kind of write letters to the people i miss, and if the know who they are then they know who they are... if not then i don't suppose i am any worse off.... i dont imagine i'll be able to cover everyone right now, but i'll see if i cant knock out a few.
#1
I miss you alot.. but you know that. We went from spending at least a bit of time together everyday to barely seeing each other at all.
I miss my partner in crime. BUT, i am so thrilled that you have found somethign that makes you truly happy. You will always hold a big chucnk of my heart and i am forever greatful to you and for you.
#2
While i hate admitting that i miss you, i'm not sorry for it, nor do i feel that it is wrong. We've been through so incrediblu much together over the last handful of years and it makes my heart sad to think that we don't talk anymore. The last time we spoke ( such as it was since it was only pixilated images on a back lit screen) I keep hoping that the things we said were said in anger. I've never tried to make you feel like less of a being, and i hope that you never meant to make me feel that way either. I was a bit shocked when you said you thought that everything i say is either exaturated or a lie when you openly admited that for the first year that i knew you, most everything about us was a lie. I would never lie to you about anything because i've never felt the need to. You always saw me at my worst. Wether it was stumbling through the door at 7am reaking of booze, or curling up in a ball and just bawling my eyes out because i didn't feel like i had anything left.
I miss my friend. I miss my sister. We were always the disgruntled bitches that snarled at people when we walked down the street just because of how they looked at us, and we never judged one another for the things that we had done because if ANYONE knew what it was like to be unhappy it was us, and we were okay with that. I guess the bottom line is i miss you. Everything really... even the people you surround yourself with that bother me from time to time. I understand that you are a different person now, and I'm willing to try to work around that if you are. But you have to understand that I'm different now too. After i was in the hospital i came out feeling truly like a better person. and i wanted to have those people there who mattered before the hospital, after the hospital to enjoy my new life with. And if i can't do that, then that's that and i suppose there isnt much i can do about it but put these words out there and hope that you know i'm talking not only about you but to you. I'm sorry if i made you feel like a smaller person, and i'm sorry i wasn't more willing to accept your other half, but its hard to watch someone who has always been there, just not really be there anymore. Not the way they were. I dont want every moment of your time. I dont even want designated days, i just miss my friend. If you see this... and if it makes any difference, come talk to me. I'm still here like i always have been. I just don't want to throw away years over days.
We went over to my grandparents house last night and decorated the tree and while it was fun and nice to be around the family, it was still mildly depressing. This year the tree was fake, as it has been just about every other year, but it was a new tree right out of the box and not the one that we had had since before i was even born.
All of the decorations were new vibrant colors, and made of plastic. Some were smothered in glitter while others only had a few decorative strips on them. Now, don't get me wrong, the tree was beautiful, the decorations were beautiful, everything was really nice.... but it just wasn't the same.
The only christmas decorations that managed to survive the fire were a few little icicles that were this chalky opaque color... They were the first decorations to go on the tree.
This year my dad wasn't there to help untangle christmas lights, or help to set the tree up straight. Every year i've kind of chuckled to myself as my 6'2 dad has tried to wedge his jolly little belly up under neath the tree while he grunts and squirms around while my mom and grandmother squak at him " no no more to your left! no the other left!" while he's trying to get the tree to stand up just right. Neither one of my brothers helped, but they were both there.
Memorie was with us this year... When I asked her what she wanted for christmas her response was " To spend some time with your family"
So that was what she got. I wish that i could see my family in the light that she sees them in. I love my family, as tattered and tainted as it is. And I don't think that anyone should be without a family for christmas, no matter what.
The holidays have always been mildly depressing for one reason or another. This year its probably the snow thats cause all of that lol. That and the fact that my father and i still aren't speaking. I don't think that I've talked to my dad in just over two months and i honestly don't see that streak breaking anytime soon. There are also a few people i miss this season that i wish were here but probably wont be. so without naming names, i've decided to kind of write letters to the people i miss, and if the know who they are then they know who they are... if not then i don't suppose i am any worse off.... i dont imagine i'll be able to cover everyone right now, but i'll see if i cant knock out a few.
#1
I miss you alot.. but you know that. We went from spending at least a bit of time together everyday to barely seeing each other at all.
I miss my partner in crime. BUT, i am so thrilled that you have found somethign that makes you truly happy. You will always hold a big chucnk of my heart and i am forever greatful to you and for you.
#2
While i hate admitting that i miss you, i'm not sorry for it, nor do i feel that it is wrong. We've been through so incrediblu much together over the last handful of years and it makes my heart sad to think that we don't talk anymore. The last time we spoke ( such as it was since it was only pixilated images on a back lit screen) I keep hoping that the things we said were said in anger. I've never tried to make you feel like less of a being, and i hope that you never meant to make me feel that way either. I was a bit shocked when you said you thought that everything i say is either exaturated or a lie when you openly admited that for the first year that i knew you, most everything about us was a lie. I would never lie to you about anything because i've never felt the need to. You always saw me at my worst. Wether it was stumbling through the door at 7am reaking of booze, or curling up in a ball and just bawling my eyes out because i didn't feel like i had anything left.
I miss my friend. I miss my sister. We were always the disgruntled bitches that snarled at people when we walked down the street just because of how they looked at us, and we never judged one another for the things that we had done because if ANYONE knew what it was like to be unhappy it was us, and we were okay with that. I guess the bottom line is i miss you. Everything really... even the people you surround yourself with that bother me from time to time. I understand that you are a different person now, and I'm willing to try to work around that if you are. But you have to understand that I'm different now too. After i was in the hospital i came out feeling truly like a better person. and i wanted to have those people there who mattered before the hospital, after the hospital to enjoy my new life with. And if i can't do that, then that's that and i suppose there isnt much i can do about it but put these words out there and hope that you know i'm talking not only about you but to you. I'm sorry if i made you feel like a smaller person, and i'm sorry i wasn't more willing to accept your other half, but its hard to watch someone who has always been there, just not really be there anymore. Not the way they were. I dont want every moment of your time. I dont even want designated days, i just miss my friend. If you see this... and if it makes any difference, come talk to me. I'm still here like i always have been. I just don't want to throw away years over days.