me on my life
Wow, it's become very, very easy to just let the days go by without posting so I'm thinking this'll be a lengthy post about this and that---probably in just that organized way. ^_^
So on my job: I can't believe it's been a month---I still feel completely exhausted and out of my depth. To be honest, it's only by God's grace that I feel I'm surviving---my prayers are a comfort and they remind me that this too shall pass and that I'm not alone. Because sometimes I guess I feel like that. I'm a lot more honest with my parents about my job, but I still edit what I say because I'm scared I'll come across like an idiot---like it was a waste of money and time sending me to university.
Seriously, I do feel that way, sometimes. I feel like I came out of university having learned nothing useful and I'm freaked out at how difficult it is for me to concentrate on the little things or to remember what I just did. It's like my whole short-term memory has been completely erased and it makes me so scared that I'm somehow mentally incapacitated. It's during times like this that I find comfort in the Lord because I feel so weak and stupid.
At work I feel as if I'm always playing catch up. What worries me is that I don't think the work is really that difficult but it's super-detail-intensive (my mind starts spacing out and I do things on automatic and it's just worrisome how blank my headspace can be) and there's so many little things to remember and it takes me forever to remember them. I'm bolstered by my boss' compliments but recently, I made several huge mistakes and I feel as if whatever credibility I have earned has gone down the drain and I can't seem to stop thinking about it.
Initially, I was afraid that time was taking forever---now I'm worried that three months will pass and I'll still be having the same problems I'm having now. It is really scary trying to think about whether I have actually learned anything because it's in application that you see what you have learned and so far, I'm not confident I can do what I need to do in the future.
Seriously, I'm not sure I'll last three months. I'm not sure I want to last three months, but I think that if I quit, I'll damage something in me that will take a long time to heal. And I'm worried that being fired will actually make it worse. I think if I can just find time to get organize and just review, I'll be able to understand the whole system more; but there's always no time because I'm always given stuff to do and there's tight deadlines.
The long commute also doesn't help because I get exhausted just at the trip.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can really cut it as an accountant. I'm not sure I'm detail-oriented enough and sometimes I'm not sure I really care enough. Those are very dangerous attitudes and I'm praying that the Lord may help me develop a better attitude towards my job.
I am trying to be a lot more positive---I really need to start counting blessings. After all, today I managed to finish a small project that I thought would get me fired because I couldn't handle it (and still might if I screwed up royally) and it's only by the grace of the Lord that I was able to maintain my equilibrium and keep going.
On the other hand, this Easter have been a true blessing for me. I spent a couple of hours with several people from my Bible study group for brunch on Friday and two of them were getting married. I think my heart just melted listening to their stories of how the guys proposed and what they did, to what's going on now with the weddings. It's also so fantastic to be with a group of women in a trendy little cafe---it makes me feel a bit like I'm in Sex and the City or something. <---see how out of touch with reality I am?
I think it also really gives me hope that perhaps I'll be able to be in a relationship. Seriously, never dated ever and I think I'm too caught up struggling with my work to even contemplate it. Then again, it's not as if there's been any interest... -_-;;
Saturday was spent at the church doing bookkeeping. I know I'm probably making loads and loads of mistakes, but so far, it's one of the highlights of my week. I think I would really like to pursue a secondary specialization in government/non-profit accounting---I'm hoping that's where I'll really be able to use my so-far hopeless accounting skills. That or public accounting.
Sunday was a good Easter service with the pastor talking about the implications of the Resurrection, whether it's a hoax or a hope, and how much of the Christian faith is based on that. I think it was what I needed to hear at this time. If you're interested, the sermon was based on 1 Corinthians 15.
Afterwards, a friend invited me to UBC's Taiwanese Film Festival to watch "Rhythm of Wulu Village". This is a fantastic documentary about an aboriginal tribe in Taiwan, the Bubun tribe, and their way of life and the part music plays. The camera was a bit shaky at first, which was a little dizzying, but the songs of the children and their activities make it worth sticking for. And it's amazing how much this tribe reminds me of what little I remember of the Malays in my Filipino History classes in elementary---mostly, in their native costumes. Totally recommend watching it, for the subject, the gorgeous landscapes, and the end discussion by the filming crew.
This week, I'm getting paid! *Yay* So, hopefully, after taking care of some bills, etc., I'll be able to buy a few new clothes. And manga---I've managed to become hooked on Hana Yori Dango again, so I'll be watching out for that.
Blind Go: I don't think I'll be able to make it. I finally got an idea but the execution of it would require a great deal of research that I'm not sure I have the energy for. I'm not even sure I have the energy to actually write anything, let alone research for it. I'm tempted to just make a half-hearted attempt, and then I remember all the reviews appreciating the detail I try to put in and I cringe at the idea of publishing something that'll just wreck that. Here's to hoping (and perhaps praying) that something'll work out!
Anyway, so there's my life in a condensed nutshell.
So on my job: I can't believe it's been a month---I still feel completely exhausted and out of my depth. To be honest, it's only by God's grace that I feel I'm surviving---my prayers are a comfort and they remind me that this too shall pass and that I'm not alone. Because sometimes I guess I feel like that. I'm a lot more honest with my parents about my job, but I still edit what I say because I'm scared I'll come across like an idiot---like it was a waste of money and time sending me to university.
Seriously, I do feel that way, sometimes. I feel like I came out of university having learned nothing useful and I'm freaked out at how difficult it is for me to concentrate on the little things or to remember what I just did. It's like my whole short-term memory has been completely erased and it makes me so scared that I'm somehow mentally incapacitated. It's during times like this that I find comfort in the Lord because I feel so weak and stupid.
At work I feel as if I'm always playing catch up. What worries me is that I don't think the work is really that difficult but it's super-detail-intensive (my mind starts spacing out and I do things on automatic and it's just worrisome how blank my headspace can be) and there's so many little things to remember and it takes me forever to remember them. I'm bolstered by my boss' compliments but recently, I made several huge mistakes and I feel as if whatever credibility I have earned has gone down the drain and I can't seem to stop thinking about it.
Initially, I was afraid that time was taking forever---now I'm worried that three months will pass and I'll still be having the same problems I'm having now. It is really scary trying to think about whether I have actually learned anything because it's in application that you see what you have learned and so far, I'm not confident I can do what I need to do in the future.
Seriously, I'm not sure I'll last three months. I'm not sure I want to last three months, but I think that if I quit, I'll damage something in me that will take a long time to heal. And I'm worried that being fired will actually make it worse. I think if I can just find time to get organize and just review, I'll be able to understand the whole system more; but there's always no time because I'm always given stuff to do and there's tight deadlines.
The long commute also doesn't help because I get exhausted just at the trip.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can really cut it as an accountant. I'm not sure I'm detail-oriented enough and sometimes I'm not sure I really care enough. Those are very dangerous attitudes and I'm praying that the Lord may help me develop a better attitude towards my job.
I am trying to be a lot more positive---I really need to start counting blessings. After all, today I managed to finish a small project that I thought would get me fired because I couldn't handle it (and still might if I screwed up royally) and it's only by the grace of the Lord that I was able to maintain my equilibrium and keep going.
On the other hand, this Easter have been a true blessing for me. I spent a couple of hours with several people from my Bible study group for brunch on Friday and two of them were getting married. I think my heart just melted listening to their stories of how the guys proposed and what they did, to what's going on now with the weddings. It's also so fantastic to be with a group of women in a trendy little cafe---it makes me feel a bit like I'm in Sex and the City or something. <---see how out of touch with reality I am?
I think it also really gives me hope that perhaps I'll be able to be in a relationship. Seriously, never dated ever and I think I'm too caught up struggling with my work to even contemplate it. Then again, it's not as if there's been any interest... -_-;;
Saturday was spent at the church doing bookkeeping. I know I'm probably making loads and loads of mistakes, but so far, it's one of the highlights of my week. I think I would really like to pursue a secondary specialization in government/non-profit accounting---I'm hoping that's where I'll really be able to use my so-far hopeless accounting skills. That or public accounting.
Sunday was a good Easter service with the pastor talking about the implications of the Resurrection, whether it's a hoax or a hope, and how much of the Christian faith is based on that. I think it was what I needed to hear at this time. If you're interested, the sermon was based on 1 Corinthians 15.
Afterwards, a friend invited me to UBC's Taiwanese Film Festival to watch "Rhythm of Wulu Village". This is a fantastic documentary about an aboriginal tribe in Taiwan, the Bubun tribe, and their way of life and the part music plays. The camera was a bit shaky at first, which was a little dizzying, but the songs of the children and their activities make it worth sticking for. And it's amazing how much this tribe reminds me of what little I remember of the Malays in my Filipino History classes in elementary---mostly, in their native costumes. Totally recommend watching it, for the subject, the gorgeous landscapes, and the end discussion by the filming crew.
This week, I'm getting paid! *Yay* So, hopefully, after taking care of some bills, etc., I'll be able to buy a few new clothes. And manga---I've managed to become hooked on Hana Yori Dango again, so I'll be watching out for that.
Blind Go: I don't think I'll be able to make it. I finally got an idea but the execution of it would require a great deal of research that I'm not sure I have the energy for. I'm not even sure I have the energy to actually write anything, let alone research for it. I'm tempted to just make a half-hearted attempt, and then I remember all the reviews appreciating the detail I try to put in and I cringe at the idea of publishing something that'll just wreck that. Here's to hoping (and perhaps praying) that something'll work out!
Anyway, so there's my life in a condensed nutshell.