Reality Check
With the new batch of reality shows in full swing, it is now time for me to offer my preliminary assessments:
American Idol
Quite simply, the competition is over. Just hand the title to Chris.
In the contest to see who is runner-up, I offer my following comments:
a) I say boot the following three girls next: Melissa, Lisa, Katharine. I’d go so far as to say to boot all six girls consecutively but since Paris and Kellie make me laugh and Mandisa actually is talented, there is one young man that needs to be eliminated first…
b) Elliott - am I missing something here?? Does he have compromising pics of the Idol judges?? Has he paid off Fox execs?? Eeesh, even Simon is fawning all over this guy. I honestly don’t find him to be nearly as talented as the judges proclaim. In fact, I don’t think he should have even made the top twelve. Boot his sorry ass.
c) The remaining five gentlemen are all exceptional and completely worthy of sticking it out to the top six. I hate to see any of them go. Kevin Covais (aka Chicken Little) is so cute - how can you not like him?? Ditto for Taylor -he always comes up with an amazing performance and is single-handedly tearing apart that cliché image of just what America’s idol should be. Bucky (who, along with his brother, exudes 'Weasley twins after an extended stay in Hooterville') needs to stay around long enough at least to get a makeover - the Brokeback ‘stache has to go. And Ace, although he certainly is pretty enough as is, wouldn’t he look much better in Renaissance artist garb?? He has that whole Raphael thing going for him.
Niviene and I have taken to calling him Onario Bambino - doesn’t the moniker just suit him??? For everyone’s sake, I really hope Onario ditches the falsetto - it gets a little grating after a while.
d) Since I have already dubbed Chris the victor, I simply look forward to a dozen stellar performances from him in the weeks to come *cough* With Arms Wide Open *cough*
America’s Next Top Model
A couple of season’s ago it was America’s Next Top Skank-Ho. That was followed by a cycle featuring vapid beauties all of whom were in far more need of an education than a modeling contract. This season, it’s America’s Next Top Sob Story. Every one of these girls has some horrific and tragic life story…a sad and pathetic past that they have had to endure. And Tyra Banks and the crew at ANTM are just the people to turn to to offer these girls solace, not to mention the perfect loving environment and necessary therapy crucial to help them overcome their tribulations and psychoses.*rolls eyes* Honestly, these girls wouldn’t last two seconds in the real world (and even less in the cutthroat fashion business)
Remember when America’s Next Top Model involved completely normal girls who actually were somewhat sane, goal-oriented and reasonably pretty. Is America tapped out already?? Hmm, and after only five seasons - that didn’t take very long. America’s Next Top Model is no longer about contestants with actual credentials - its just about getting attention and making sure the show gets ratings. In the words of Gypsy’s Miss Mazeppa “You’ll pardon me, but to have no talent is not enough” …you gotta get a gimmick. If I was auditioning for Next Top Model, I’d go for some sure-fire shtick to get in - perhaps, claiming to be a former nun from Harlem who left the modest and sheltered life of the sisterhood after falling in love with another woman, who, it turns out, was actually married, but managed to hide the truth until her jealous husband revealed all...and more. And now the only thing that could possibly get me through all of this torture is becoming a successful supermodel - to be precise, America’s Next Top Model. *cue the violins* Needless to say it would lay the foundation for hours of must-watch television. Imagine the previews…next week: the ex-nun chastises the girls for their use of profanity. In two weeks: a nude photoshoot with only a crucifix and a rosary hiding the naughty bits?? Perhaps toss in a scandal about the Holy Woman and Janice Dickinson having a torrid behind the scenes affair. Damned - if that doesn’t make the show hit the top ten I don’t know what will.
The Amazing Race
At last, a version of the Amazing Race that I actually want to watch. After completely avoiding the season starring Rob, the Boston bozo from Survivor, and turning off the family friendly foolishness of the last cycle, I am truly enjoying this year’s competition. Only three of the teams have been really annoying so far - and two of them have already been eliminated. The “frat boys” (aka Eric and Jeremy) remind me of 'Peter and Paul, the guys from across the hall' *snicker* And, yay, they have become friends with, arguably, the greatest duo to ever grace the Amazing Race, the bohemian buds, BJ and Tyler. Yes, they look like hippies (the 60’s version of apostles) - that alone is reason for me to LUV them. Best part of all, although they in fact subscribe to that idealistic laid-back lifestyle I so love, don’t be deceived - check out their bios on the Amazing Race website. Multilingual Harvard and UC graduates who have both traveled the world and studied abroad!! Now why can’t they live across the hall instead of Peter and Paul??? Ideally, BJ and Tyler will string along the frat boys till the final leg of the race and then walk away with the million dollars in the end. And they can celebrate by buying some new, or rather, used tie-dye peace shirts and two tickets to Hair!! Rock on Hippies!!
One final comment - Reality TV is reason alone for the necessity of series like Rome! Long live the Empire!