my life
I doubt I'll pick this back up. I just wanted to say, I'm alive. I have three months clean, and I have a boyfriend who I am madly in love with. He is the best thing in my life, and I'm scared to death that if i lose him I will use. It's like he's my new drug and I'm just as obsessed with him as I was with heroin. I am on a subutex maintenance program, because when i tried to get off of it, I wanted to kill myself. I was literally planning it out in my head for weeks. So my doctor, my mother and I all decided to stay on it for the next six months and then i can always try to ween down again once I get some serious time under my belt. I spent 2 months in an all woman's hardcore program. I paint all the time, and I started riding my bike. I am trying to be healthy and learn how to live. Aside from the co-dependency I have with my love, I think my life is really healthy right now. For the most part I feel happy, and i know that part of that is my medicine, it actually takes my cravings away. Its weird, but a fucking miracle. Sometimes it bothers me because its like im not really doing this all on my own, but at the same time, i remember where i came from, and meds or not, the fact that im here is all that matters. As fucked as the things I went through while writing in this blog where, things only got worse. So i know i really don't have many more chances. It doesn't get easier, and with life this beautiful right now, what would even be the fucking point?