In a Golden Cage - A Glee fanfic
Title: In a Golden Cage
Rating: PG-13 (there are a couple of bad words, but not enough to merit a higher rating, I think)
Genre: Angst
Characters: Mostly Dave, a bit of Kurt, with Rachel & Azimio in supporting roles
Warnings: Spoilers up to episode 2x09.
Summary: The local radio station plays Finnish metal and one song catches both Kurt’s and Dave’s attention. Since the latest episode was waaaay too subtle with the bird in a cage metaphor (no sarcasm here), I felt like I had to write this to both hammer the point in and expand the metaphor a bit. Lyrics in italics are from Escapist by Nightwish (lyrics here, song here).
…
In a Golden Cage
Who’s there knocking at my window…
Kurt sighed and turned the page of his history book. He was meeting Rachel at the mall, in a small coffee shop that had the local radio station’s afternoon show blasting from the speakers near the ceiling. Kurt’s iPod had run out of power, so he was forced to listen to the DJ’s current obsession, Finnish metal.
He’d been sitting at the same place earlier that week, with Blaine, who’d made a face at hearing the music. Not his type of music, he’d said. Not his type or not the Warblers’ type, Kurt had thought, but swallowed his words before they managed to escape his lips. He’d been doing that a lot, lately.
Blaine was right, Kurt knew that, or at least tried to convince himself that he knew that. Dalton was different from McKinley and Kurt needed to be a little different as well to fit in. Even if it meant not wearing a brooch to spice up his uniform, since wearing it made him stand out and was in violation of some code that Blaine had explained to him and he’d already forgotten. All he’d thought while Blaine talked was why a little thing like a brooch was such a threat to the unity of the school. But it was stupid of him to mind about things like that.
Dalton was different, but it was fine, it was what he needed, and he was fine, he was absolutely…
…that’s me locked inside reality’s maze. Come someone make my heavy heart light…
Kurt raised his eyes from his book, which he hadn’t been reading anyway, and tried to make out the lyrics. The chorus was repeated and he listened to the lyrics, trying to stop his hands from shaking.
…A nightingale in a golden cage, that’s me locked inside reality’s maze. Come someone make…
“Hi, sorry I’m late!” Rachel tried to sound cheerful, but she really wasn’t, Kurt knew that. She hadn’t been since Finn broke up with her. “You looked like you were miles away,” Rachel continued as she sat down and dropped a pile of sheet music onto the table.
“Just listening to the song,” Kurt replied, shaking his head. “It’s… sort of…”
“Are you okay?” Rachel asked, sounding worried, and Kurt couldn’t help but wonder how unhappy he had to look if Rachel noticed it through her own problems. Then again, maybe her pain had made her more aware of other people’s pain. He nodded and turned his attention to the sheet music in front of him.
…come someone make my heavy heart light. It all starts…
“What the hell, it’s supposed to be metal,” Azimio almost shouted. “Like, good music, with guitars solos and shit. Not some chick singin’ about… nightingales or something. And really, dude, a nightingale in a golden cage, what the fuck does that even mean, a bird in a cage, what’s the deal?”
“It’s a metaphor, you idiot,” was what Dave wanted to say so very badly, but he kept his big, stupid mouth shut. You didn’t use words like ‘metaphor’ around Azimio, unless you wanted a face full of slushy, or maybe face full of Azimio’s fist. ‘Metaphor’ was probably a fist-sized offence.
“I don’t know,” Dave said instead, really hating himself as they walked through the sports store, while the song blazed from the speakers in there, like it did in many other shops in the mall that were happy with playing the local radio station, despite it’s workers’ tendency to obsess too much about a certain type of music and play nothing else for days.
The polka week had been quite trying for all and had lead to a drop in sales in many stores.
Azimio was still muttering something about real metal as they walked out the store and headed downstairs. The song was still playing in Dave’s head, since it wasn’t the first time he’d heard it. The first time had been on Monday, when he’d been driving home from school. He’d tried to ignore the lyrics, but something in them had forced him to listen. When he’d gotten home, he’d googled the lyrics, found the song, listened to it and also to a bunch of other songs from the band. Many of them talked about losing innocence, but there was also hope in many of the songs. The hope, the possibility of hope, was what made it eventually impossible for Dave to listen to the songs anymore.
Loss of innocence, hope and the feelings songs could raise were not on his list of ‘stuff you can tell Azimio’, so when the song had started to play and Azimio had started to complain about it, Dave had nodded along with Azimio’s words, even though he’d actually wanted to nod along to the music, maybe even sing along. Which would’ve been a huge mistake.
In the recent weeks, Dave’s life had been nothing but avoiding one mistake after another. Not saying things that popped into his mind when Azimio or someone else said something stupid. Not raising his hand in class even though he knew the answers and had promised his dad to work on his grades. Working on his grades had been one of the conditions his dad had put on continuing playing football and hockey.
Dave was actually more than ready to give up football. Hudson, Evans, Puckerman, Chang and the wheelchair kid, Artie something, they all hated him. Coach Bieste wasn’t happy with him either, but at least she hadn’t thrown him out of the team yet. Of course he had his friends like Azimio, but… Well, it all seemed somehow pointless.
Dave hadn’t thought like this in almost a year and a half. As soon as he’d realized that being an A student and a jock was an impossible combination, he’d sort of switched off a part of his brain, the part that thought about the future and tried to be responsible. Mostly because that part wasn’t going to be any help to him in becoming popular in high school.
What did make him popular, at least in certain group of people, and feared, in other groups, was dominance. Slushieing the nerds and geeks and gleeks and making sure all his friends saw it, that was what he needed to stay on top, to be one of the guys, a normal guy who did normal things.
…Tearing off the mask of man…
Then Kurt Hummel had walked down the hallway at McKinley wearing a silver outfit and a white wig, with the Asian chick Tina, who was dressed in bubbles, and Azimio had signalled Dave and they’d sent the gleeks flying into the lockers. And then Hummel had called then out. Stood up for himself and for the Asian girl and even insulted Dave and Azimio. Dave hadn’t really believed what he was seeing, so his mind had worked on autopilot, set on “mock, threaten, agree with Azimio”. Later they’d ruffed up Hummel and Tina, pulling off some pieces from their ridiculous costumes. It hadn’t felt nice, but it was what needed to be done.
And the next day they’d… They’d cornered Hummel in the boys’ bathroom, since Azimio thought they needed to teach the freak a proper lesson for still wearing the silver outfit. Nothing had gone like Dave had expected. Hummel had been scared, it was clear, but he hadn’t begged, he hadn’t promised to do just about anything if they let him go. He’d told them he was proud to be who he was, that being different was the best thing about him. Dave had had no idea if he actually could’ve hit Hummel, his mind had been a mess, but then Finn had shown up, in a red shower curtain, and things had somehow made more sense than when he’d been staring at Hummel’s face. They could’ve taken Finn easily, but the whole Glee club had appeared and Dave and Azimio had backed out, although not because of fear, they’d told each other after school, but because htey didn't want to catch a bad case of freakiness from them.
Dave had thought that was that, a proof that Finn was as gay as Hummel and that Hummel was… well, gayer. And then he’d woken up the next night, sweating and aroused and thinking only that Kurt Hummel was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his life. He’d headed to take a cold shower, not caring that it was three in the morning, and had decided that he’d just had a stupid nightmare and there was nothing else to it.
There was more to it. All had been fine for the rest of the semester and then it had been summer and he’d almost forgotten about the dream. Then school had started again and Hummel had walked down the hallway taller and leaner and somehow even more beautiful than before. For a while Dave had ignored those thoughts, but then Azimio had been talking about some show he’d watched and how they’d talked about the gays taking over the military and stealing away marriage from the normal people and how all of those freaks should be shipped off to some island to live in sin and die of aids… Dave’s brain had once again switched to autopilot.
Slam Hummel into a locker. Repeat. Be close to him and still show everyone what you think about the gays. Keep control, stay on top of things, on top of your feelings, make sure that nobody suspects anything. It had worked well until Hummel had followed him into the locker room, not backing down, daring Dave to hit him, just like when he was wearing that silver outfit, and even the autopilot had given up and handed the control to Dave’s body.
…Farewell now, time to fly. Out of sight, out of time, away from our lies…
For a small moment everything in his life, in the world, had been clear and made sense. Hummel’s face in his hands, Hummel’s lips against his. It was everything, Hummel was everything. But when he’d wanted, no, needed, more, Hummel had pushed him away, looking like he’d just been attacked. Which he in fact had been, in a way, Dave’s brain, back in action, had informed him. Even after storming away Dave had thought that he could regain control, make everything work out somehow, but then Hummel had shown up with that pretty boy from that private school. Hummel had told someone and Dave wasn’t safe anymore, so his brain had given all control over to fear
Threaten Hummel. Make him scared. Make him as scared as Dave himself was, so he wouldn’t tell. Scare him more, make fun of him again and again. And then suddenly Dave had been pinned against a wall by a shouting man, and Hummel had been there as well, begging for the man, for his father, to stop since he was sick. Dave had almost shoved the man away, but Hummel’s words had made him stop. And then he’d been sitting in the principal’s office, next to his dad, opposite to Hummel and his dad.
Dave had no idea how he’d gotten through that meeting. He had only fragmented memories of Hummel telling them, but also of Hummel not telling them, of his dad asking him a question he couldn’t answer, but tried and failed, of Sue Sylvester telling him he was expelled. He’d somehow felt relieved. It was over. Finally some rest.
Then his dad had got him back in school and Hummel had transferred to another school and Dave had thought everything would be normal again. But after a few days of Hummelless McKinley High Dave knew that whatever he’d felt, whatever his fear-driven brain had blamed Hummel for, wasn’t really Hummel’s fault.
What Dave was, was all due to Dave, no one else.
He’d gotten back to his old routines, since there was nothing else to do. Practice, classes, where he tried harder while trying to not let anyone see he was trying harder. Slushieing people, attacking Puckerman in the locker room, although that had once again had more to do with fear than routine. Fear and guilt, from hearing Puckerman mention Hummel’s name. Beating up Puckerman didn’t really help. Nothing that he did helped, since whatever he did wouldn’t change who he was or what he felt. The only thing was to bury those feelings, that identity, so deep that no one could ever find it.
…Come someone make my heavy heart light. Come undone, bring me back to life…
Walking past the coffee shop, Dave noticed Hummel probably the same time that Hummel noticed him. For a moment Dave felt like he was frozen, completely unable to move, to do anything besides stare at Hummel’s face. Hummel’s all too perfect face that held a look that was a mixture of shock and pity.
“Dude, come on!” Azimio’s voice snapped Dave out of the power of Hummel’s stare and he hurried after his… best friend, he thought, almost wanting to hit the wall and keep hitting it until he bled.
…A nightingale in a…
“Are you alright?” Rachel asked Kurt and turned to look where he was staring, but Karofsky had already disappeared.
“I’ve been letting Pavarotti out of his cage,” Kurt said in a soft voice, and Rachel turned to look at him, surprised at this sudden change of topic from the upcoming McKinley assembly and a solo that Mr. Schue had promised her.
“I let him out and he flies around the room for a while but then he always returns straight to the cage. Sometimes he doesn't even fly out, just stares at the door and stays in. Why would he do that?” Kurt was staring at Rachel, but she felt like his gaze went right through her.
“Maybe he likes it?” Rachel suggested. “You do keep the cage really clean, don’t you, so…”
“Maybe he’s been in there so long he doesn’t know how to cope outside,” Kurt said. “Maybe it’s safer for him to be trapped.”
“Kurt, is this about Dalton, because you’re not…”
“It’s not just about…” Kurt hesitated. It was about Blaine and Dalton and rules and not wearing brooches and about Karofsky, almost too much about Karofsky and the look he’d had on his face when he’d stared at Kurt, all those things mixed together in his head. How could he ever begin to explain it to Rachel?
“I just don’t get it, why doesn’t he want to be free?” Kurt finished with a sigh. Rachel reached over the table, took his hand and squeezed it gently.
“You don’t have to be in a cage, but sometime it’s the safest place to be if you know nothing else or you have nothing else. Maybe even the right place for a moment. You just need to know that there’s so much outside the cage, if you ever decide to fly out. Which I would like very much. I have no competition now,” Rachel finished with a little smile.
“You know, Finn is an idiot,” Kurt said, squeezing Rachel’s hand in return. And Rachel was surprisingly smart, although she seemed convinced that Kurt was talking only about himself. Well, wasn’t he? Who else would he be… Kurt pushed the thought away from his mind and looked at the notes in front of him. “Now, about the song you’re going to sing…”
Come someone make my heavy heart light. It all starts with a lullaby.