i have way too much time on my hands: a picspam
Haha I am a bad person because I actually wrote this like three months ago and forgot to post it. Oops! Also I only ever got around to commenting on one of the three magazines I bought, because I just kept rambling and rambling and rambling and next thing I knew I'd written more copy than the magazine. Oops again!
But whatever, here is the ridiculous post I wrote up in early May, enjoy or whatever?
First some background. I already have One Direction on my dorm room wall, which btw is awesome and looks like this please excuse the terrible cell phone quality and awkward glare from the overhead light:
UP CLOSE!
See, it occurred to me about a week ago that hey, I get Entertainment Weekly every week (no duh), that means probably at some point they'd reviewed One Direction's album and I hadn't noticed/cared, so I tore through past issues until I found it and then I freaked out realizing I'd had an actual physical picture of them in my room for weeks before this obsession came along, and then I cut out that picture and stuck it on my wall where it fit absolutely perfectly and isn't too hopelessly embarrassing, sorry BTR boys but I left your posters at home, I just don't love you quite enough.
So obviously it's not like that time I desperately needed a poster of the BTR boys. But I did see on tumblr that some tween magazine had actual One Direction door hangers that said ridiculous things like Please Come In: I'm Staying Up All Night! which clearly would be utterly appropriate for my life. But alas they didn't have whatever issue that was when I got to CVS, but obviously I got a magazine anyway. Um. Three of them. Because this is the sort of person I am: I take literally all the options and then I attempt to do process of elimination but I fail miserably at coming up with any reason any one of them should be eliminated (which believe me made searching for the perfect college a total fucking joke). So I whittled it down to three, and it was pretty much the hardest decision of my life.
The point being, I am going to review all these magazines because they're hilarious and sometimes I might try to make scholarly-ish observations about them because apparently this is a thing I'm interested in now, but just like last time remember that I am not nearly as good at this or as practiced as Steph so go check hers out instead. ♥
MAGAZINE ONE: J-14, MAY/JUNE
Reason I Had to Have It: these posters
It's a calendar, you guys. A calendar! This is actually super useful to me, because I don't have a 2012 calendar! Now I can know the days of the months for three whole months out of the year! This is something I am actually okay with putting on my dorm room wall, because it isn't huge and it doesn't give off the whole I make out with this poster before bed every night vibe and if people make fun of me I can just point out that it's a calendar, duh, and therefore super useful.
And this never fails to make my brain melt, so.
~ Again with the lie about free posters. Excuse me, J-14, I'm pretty sure I already paid four freakin' bucks for your magazine. If it didn't come with posters I would probably sue.
~ The cover promises to tell the UNTOLD story of One Direction. I'm so sure. It also tells me Liam is jealous of Taylor Lautner, which I totally and completely believe. It also tells me I can spend a week with 1D, to which I say yes please FedEx them to my dorm immediately and I shall feed them cupcakes and let them cuddle on my bed and wrap them in bubble wrap for the return journey.
~ What Justin's "Boyfriend" Really Means: Biebs is a douche. Somehow I don't think I've guessed this one right.
~ On the table of contents page we get a 1D Dating Update. First there is a picture of Liam lounging by the pool with Danielle; hilariously, Harry is also in the picture and the caption looks like it's referring to him. Liam/Harry OTP! Then we get a sample from the catalog of Awkward Pictures of Louis and Eleanor, from which I will refrain from commenting on further.
~ Tizz and Sarah Hyland are posing in swimsuits for Walmart while holding hands. This is extremely confusing to me.
I've seen this picture before, but seriously, boys. Look at them! All British and adorable and what are you doing in this magazine as though you are regular tween stars, you don't belong here. Like, it's more than just them not coming from Disney and Nick roots, it is literally strange to me to see these boys being treated like the Jonas brothers and the iCarly cast or whoever, because, just...what is Harry Styles doing in a tween magazine, seriously? I don't understand this at all.
~ I have seen basically none of their show, but the Victorious cast is pretty adorable and awesome from what I've learned from some of you guys ♥ and can we just take a moment to appreciate the comment I made on Avan Jogia the last time I did this before anybody knows who he was? Oh younger me, you're so quality.
~ First sighting of Cody Simpson! Oh dearie, we'll get to you later.
~ "Does Rob sparkle in the sun?" next to a picture of RPattz running on the beach looking oddly like Tom Hanks in Castaway. idek.
Carlos in a Speedo, because of course.
~ TSwift has the cutest swimsuit, I hate her. Selena is beautiful, I hate her too. Ashley Benson and Lucy Hale are here, and I appreciate their faces and also miss their show.
~ "Are Miley and Liam engaged???" the answer is no.
~ However, Dianna Agron and TSwift are apparently "blonde besties". J-14 references a flea market trip they took together that I'm pretty sure happened like a year ago. Apparently they both have crushes on Tim Tebow. I'm not sure what to do with this information.
I'm sorry, nothing Biebs has done in his last three years of existing has made me think he is anything but a massive douchebag. Selena and Niall, you could do so much better. Let me love you I love you so much I can be your boyfriend/idol/forever girl/princess/best friend/pathetic fangirl. oh wait I already got that last one on lock, lol.
(Biebs also says something about he and 1D "sharing the same queen" and I spent a good few minutes trying to figure out the Tobias Funke-esque hidden meaning before I realized he meant, like, the Actual Queen.)
~ J-14 confirms the rumor that James has a secret girlfriend. I'm confused. Aren't secret girlfriends supposed to be slightly more secret? Also, lol.
~ There's a two-page article on whether Selena Gomez is replacing Leighton Meester and Katie Cassidy with Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens, since she takes pictures with them now instead. Which might make sense given that she's filming a movie with Hudge and Ashley currently and she filmed a movie with Leighton and Katie in the past. But I actually think J-14 might have a point, because Spring Breakers seems like literally the exact same movie as Monte Carlo. It's kind of freaking me out, tbh.
~ Oh hey, it's The Wanted!! I thought they were old?? Like, too old for tween magazine-dom? Eh, whatever. Apparently they are also big Biebs fans, because of course. (In transcribing this interview, J-14 spells fangirls as "fan girls". This amuses me way too much.)
~ There's a tiny section on other boy bands, which I guess I should pay attention to, because maybe this really is coming back as A Thing? J-14 assumes I already know about One Direction (duh, although totally not true a month ago), The Wanted (yep, but ditto), Big Time Rush (check), and Mindless Behavior (...who?) and wants to introduce me to JLS (heard of them already! because of 1D though), IM5 and W3 The Future). Ohhhkay.
~ Top 14 Things Directioners Say. I already saw this list on tumblr. It does not bear repeating, because *uncontrollable sobbing over Hazza and Lou* is not on it.
~ The Jonas Brothers are reportedly getting their own reality show, but I already know that it's just Kevin. To which I say oh dear.
~ Kim Kardashian gets flour-bombed, protests such mindless violence. Here's the thing: why is Kim Kardashian in this magazine? Tween magazines baffle me, you guys. Because they are 99% about "omg does he like me" and "hot shirtless guys pics!" and "I have a crush!!" but still have that weird Disney-chaste thing going on, because they feature Kim Kardashian and Twilight and Snoop Dog but don't acknowledge what any of those people/things are actually about, because they walk that strange line between hypersexuality and total purity that defines tweendom and I just don't get.
~ Nick Jonas goes to see Newsies. No stop now I'm having Newsies emotions and some of them are good because Newsies and some of them are not because that show. Help.
~ Hey look, it's AnnaSophia Robb. This is super awkward because about two weeks ago she was sitting on my bed and I was having a conversation with her, and now she's in my magazine.
~ Demi Lovato and Ariana Grande stand up against cyberbullying and I love them. Miley and Justin do too and I decide to tolerate them for just these two pages.
There's more Serious Stuff, like girls posting YouTube videos asking people to tell them if they're pretty or ugly. Here is what they choose to illustrate this article with:
This seems rather counterproductive to me, but whatever.
(The "comments from readers" in this section are actually kind of interesting, in an oh, preteen girls :( sort of way.)
~ Carly Rae Jepsen apparently doesn't own a TV. Oh my god, Carly Rae Jepsen is apparently a thing. Good for her, I hope she becomes more of a thing because Entertainment Weekly still thinks Call Me Maybe is a Selena Gomez song and that the version with Carlos and Tizz is the actual music video.
~ TSwift says her favorite thing to write about is love, also the Pope is Catholic and the sky is blue; J-14 then says she's careful not to name names in her songs, which is just blatantly untrue? Weird.
Pictured: relevance.
~ Oh, we've reached the secret meaning behind Justin's "Boyfriend" spread. I read the whole thing; it was depressing. Also of note: Biebs wears a terrible coat and has terrible hair, calls himself "loving, kind and gentle", thinks "camping is legit" and has a Buzz Lightyear thing which I insist Zayn steals from him in Steph and Katybeth's AU, and then never gets back because I don't want him to be happy, okay? Also J-14 spells "brr" (as in, cold!) as "burr" and I kind of hate everything.
~ JLaw is a perfect person who emailed KStew about their not-feud to comment on the ridiculousness of the press. J-14 does not seem to realize the irony of its comments on this.
~ J-14 then mentions the phrase "bff breakup", which I find super interesting given recent discussions about how tween shows handle romantic relationships versus friendships or even sibling relationships, which I won't go into here but hey you: ♥
~ I still have not figured out who Greyson Chance is. Sorry buddy; maybe try being less nine years old?
Liam is the most adorable and Niall thinks Jim is some cousin of Liam's. I actually can't process this.
~ There's a weird section about how Sarah Hyland and Matt Prokop were offended because their straight-to-DVD movie included 10 Shake It Up episodes instead of behind-the-scenes features and even the movie posters had Bella Thorne and Zendaya just hanging out in the corner. This strikes me as a really weird marketing technique??? idk.
~ Debby Ryan is asked to do a word-association game with celebrities, and she is the most adorable, although she totally fails at the "one word" rule. Her answers: One Direction = accents, Selena = fried pickles, Biebs = genuinely taented, Miley = LOVE her vibe, Dylan and Cole = (lovable) punks, Brenda Song = "Yay me!" I can't even. (Why were Dylan and Cole never really modeled into full-blown tween stars? I keep wondering.)
~ Apparently some girl named Rachel won the X-Factor! I totally forgot that was a thing in America. J-14 uses the phrase "as close as identical twins", which I find weird. Are identical twins just inherently closer than fraternal ones?
~ A Day in the Life of Ariana Grande. I am not convinced she is a real person. She calls Ke$ha a "pleasure to work with", and why is she working on a song with Ke$ha, exactly?
~ Louis is adorable with his mom, awkward with his girlfriend, and Debby Ryan sleeps in a teepee. Celebrity tweets are the most hilarious.
~ And now we get a two-page spread entitled "Can you believe they kissed?" This is going to be so much fun, like a tween six degrees of Kevin Bacon but with mono. Okay, Dakota Fanning and JHutch, whatever. Taylor Lautner and Alyson Stoner...huh. I did not know that, but she says she runs into him all the time "at church and at the gym", which is highly amusing to me for some reason. Tizz and Zefron, no duh (and not to harp on about this, but I remember when that Suite Life episode aired and my friends and I were all kind of...shocked it was such a hot'n'heavy kiss for Disney Channel? It's like how Gabriella and Troy spend an emphatic two movies Not Kissing, but when they DO kiss it's kinda...so PDA-ish you don't really want to look. IDK. It's awkward.) Boring people, Hudge & Drake, and then this, which is extremely amusing:
Those twins! Such sluts! (BTW, that TSL episode Victoria Justice was in was pretty much my favorite way back when. Cole Sprouse crossdressing = television gold.)
~ Now we get to learn how Miley and Liam conquer long-distance love, which I didn't bother to read, except there's a super amusing insert that debates which would murder the other in a real-life Hunger Games. I don't even know. (The answer is Miley, by the way.) Also apparently Miley is coming out with a new album, and a movie called LOL, which makes me want to headdesk forever.
~ Austin Butler is dating Vanessa Hudgens? ...okay? That kid has done an awesome job of hanging out around the edges of tweendom for enough years that I'm aware of who he is but still get him mixed up with the other two or three nondescript blond kids who star in TSwift music videos/made-for-TV movies/short-lived ABC Family shows.
~ JHutch gives love advice, which again: what are you even doing in this magazine, Josh? Seriously, what?
Wow, that's pretty crazy, Beastly's Alex Pettyfer. Puh-retty cuhrazy. haha I'm pretty sure you're a douche but you're still super hot, fyi. also your movie came out like a year ago, do something new so I can drool more.
~ Harry Styles uses the word "girl" in answering a question about girls, which makes me think it's not really him answering. To be fair, this entire page of "celeb guys answering your crush questions!" seems pretty dubious on, um, all fronts. James' advice for getting someone to notice you: "be confident". ok
~ HOLY FUCK THIS GUY FROM THE WANTED IS MY AGE. FUUUUUUCK, HE WAS BORN A FEW MONTHS AFTER ME. FUCK FUCK FUCK. what is with this i keep discovering people who i assumed were old (like, mid twenties or something) are actually younger than i am, first cher lloyd and now this WHAT THE FUCK, TWEEN MAGAZINE, NO.
Oh my god, this is literally like a celebrity swap. Have any old, worn-out celeb crushes that just don't fit your style anymore? Come trade 'em in for newer, slightly creepier-looking models! yayyyyy
~ Now we get an extremely long article on how Cody Simpson used to sometimes occasionally have trouble focusing in class. Kay. He also says he wrote a song to help him remember perpendicular lines or something, so basically he is a Hannah Montana episode. I have Issues with Cody Simpson, you guys. When he first became A Thing I loved him immediately because he was tiny and adorable and 10000 x better than Bieber and I just wanted to pinch his cheeks and make him cookies forever. But then he got a bit older and I decided it was probably creepy for me to be a fan of his anymore until he turned 18, and also I was a bit afraid he was following the Bieber footsteps and becoming a mini douche. (It's like a mini quiche, but with more flat-brimmed hats and "swag".) He also apparently has a non-famous Australian bff who looks like his twin, which is kind of cute.
~ ALERT ALERT WE ARE OFFICIALLY IN THE ONE DIRECTION SECTION OF THE MAGAZINE. LET'S DO THIS SHIT.
~ "One Direction's Niall Horan came running around a table to us, exclaiming, 'What is this life I'm living right now? I don't even recognize it!'" Harry gave somebody a hug. C'mon, J-14, you can do better than this.
~ Whoa, okay, I actually did not know some of this. Well done, J-14, well done. Liam, Louis and Zayn all auditioned in 2008, apparently? I knew Liam was told to come back in two years (I didn't realize he got as far as top 24, oh my bb), but Louis "failed to impress the judges from the start" (OH MY BB), Zayn chickened out of the audition altogether (*blubbering tears*). Then before their 2010 auditions, Harry was sick and coughing up blood and Niall wouldn't have auditioned if they hadn't come to Ireland. Damn you, J-14, you win this time, I'm having Emotions.
~ Liam quotes that make me want to hug a pillow: "They're my best friends and brothers" and "I wasn't meant to be on my own, I was meant to be with these guys." ♥
~ So for this next page I'm basically going to photograph all of it and add meaningless incoherent commentary:
Niall I love you Liam is the beatbox to DJ Malik's tunes
I want to see this rap please don't compare Harry to Biebs ever again ever
vegetables help
Louis and Harry in this picture/on this day: help. Harry and Niall's mom: help. Niall's hat: help. Niall actually having "cousins in America" like every fanfic cliche: help. Nearly 2,000 autographs: get those boys some help, like, ice water or something, idk.
It's okay Harry, I don't know what the fuck grits are either. Also way to be a hug whore. Also Niall and Zayn my heart.
Again, just photographing all of it because I have too many emotions about these guys, apparently:
(Also it's really interesting the dynamics of how they're really pushing Harry to the front of the group--but I won't go into that, I swear I swear, stopping now.) I'd just like to draw attention to: Louis being the best big brother ever, Zayn's hair, Liam's FACE, Toy Story (c'mon, bb: "used to"?). That's it I'm dead.
~ Now we have May and June calendars that showcase all the important upcoming events in the tween world (album/movie releases, celebrity birthdays, Memorial Day), and right here is the perfect little encapsulation of all that is weird about these magazines. Happy birthday Chris Brown? NO THANK YOU FOREVER. The Vow and LMFAO? WHO IS THEIR AUDIENCE HERE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT LMFAO STANDS FOR. ARGH I AM SO CONFUSED. (From the June calendar: I will never be able to look at Shia Labeouf the same way again, Ariana Grande and Jennette McCurdy share a birthday which is adorable, and...do ALL the tween magazines do cross-promotion with each other? I understand nothing.)
~ Hey, POSTERS! BTR, Katy Perry, Cody Simpson, Taylor Lautner, THG trio (they should be in a band! bands are big now! they should be in a BOY BAND! jennifer you will just have to pretend), the...cast of American Idol, I guess, my 1D calendar, the BTR/1D poster that's intent on melting my brain, and Karmin, whatever the fuck that is? A band? A two-person band. Guy and girl. I'm not gonna guess ages because they're probably both like 12 years old or something and then I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.
~ Wow, they actually have a spread on the whole Bully rating controversy. A little late in the game, but good for them! Although this:
is...what? You totally failed to make this connection, J-14. Totally failed.
~ They have an advice column written by a girl whose qualification is being the daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, apparently. I actually really like her! Her response to a first kiss question is good, although I kind of wish this whole myth of "my first kiss must be perfect and involve fireworks and balloons and possibly an engagement otherwise everything is ruined" is one I wish would go away. I mean, it's not as bad as the First Time myth, but it is basically just a milder version.
~ I kind of doubt J-14's statistics. Only 50% of readers have ever felt pressure to be popular, but 61% hit puberty before their friends? That's not actually how percentages work, J-14.
I'm not totally sure how I feel about this? Straight off I'm just thrilled it's even in this magazine and that it's responded to in a manner that doesn't belittle or dismiss it. But the "I promise you, they will love you for exactly who you are, no matter what" just seems very "it gets better"-esque in that yes, it's a nice lovely sentiment, but you don't actually know that. It's not actually going to be true for everyone. And that sucks and it should be a given but...it's not. And we should be working to change that, not assuring everyone that it'll change on its own.
~ Alright, we're skipping a few pages I can't snark over and don't particularly feel like having thinky-thoughts over either. why is this so long what is my life
~ Tween magazine quizzes generally suck on principle, but I'm actually super amused by the first question of the "how strong is your friendship" quiz: "Your bff texts you at 11 p.m. on a school night. You: text her back in the morning/answer her right away". It took me forever to realize the "11 p.m. on a school night" part was actually relevant because it's nearly three in the morning on a school night and I'm typing this because college.
~ Zayn Malik Wore It Better than Joe Jonas, "it" being a leather jacket. You know who's not on the cover of any of my magazines? A Jonas. Is it just me or was their time at the top a bit shorter than everyone thought it would be?
~ Fashion page! I covet Selena's jacket and dress and face and body and hair and wow this is getting creepy, and also everything TSwift owns. I can't help it, I'm sorry, I love a brightly-colored cocktail dress.
~ Things that are in style: colored denim (gee, thanks for the update), lace, and...nautical patterns. Louis, did you do this? I totally approve, fyi. We should all be on boats all the time.
~ lip gloss, hair, don't care, I can never figure out what the fuck shape my face is supposed to be anyway, whatever.
~ Now J-14 talks to celebrity moms, which is mostly uninteresting except for this quote by Cody Simpson's mom: "For the first four months, all he did was cry, but then he totally changed to a chill baby." You guys. You guys. This quote has literally broken my brain. why would you say that oh my god I hate everything
~ No but seriously, why is literally everything in this magazine about boys and crushing even when it doesn't have to be at all. All they end up talking about with these moms is how their kids go on dates and are so sweet and good with the opposite gender and crushes and it's just very weird. (Also wow, Bella Thorne's mom is beautiful, I can see where she gets those life-ruining qualities in that Bella Thorne might be to me what Miranda Cosgrove was for certain people on my flist. Just sayin'.)
~ Okay I'll stop with this surprisingly long section I swear, but again why are the Kardashians a thing in this magazine and why are all these mothers referring to their children as "chill", is this some sort of conspiracy amongst moms to drive me insane or
~ Haha seriously (this section is still going I mean what), my mother definitely does not know who my first crush was? Or, like, any of this? WAIT HOLD THE PHONE THE 1D MOMS GET THEIR OWN SECTION THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME
a) British food is disgusting always, b) I'm sorry but losing your keys once is not "scatterbrained", losing them twelve times daily (gpoy) might get him considered, c) I think I have a Thing for Cher Lloyd, idek, d) Zayn. drama. performing arts. Louis. drama teacher. not gonna write an au not gonna write an au not gonna write an au QUICK SOMEONE WRITE ME A COLLEGE DRAMA AU e) I just want to hug Niall's mom okay
~ Annnd in the entertainment section, Miley's new movie gets the most nondescript description ever and The Avengers gets described as "cute superheroes!" which angers me in terms of the way the media treats tween girls in general, but whatever.
Oh look another one
~ Oh goody, now we get to go backstage with BTR! This is going to be exciting.
Firstly, every time the boys fangirl One Direction I giggle. You have no idea how badly I want, like, backstage footage from their tour or something. I really feel like more BTR&1D together stuff should exist in general, really.
~ "After Carlos joked once that Logan likes llamas, Logan got a llama with his face on it from a fan." OH GOD NO BOYS NEVER SAY YOU LIKE ANYTHING EVER OR YOU WILL DROWN IN VEGETABLES.
~ Aaaaand we get James talking about Fox Maslow, because of course. And Sydney Pena. NGL, I would buy a magazine that was just filled with pictures of their dogs. Adorbs.
~ Biebs has a house and three cars and wants to break into acting and thinks he's maturing and blah blah blah I don't care.
~ Nick Jonas was apparently dating Delta Goodrem (who I learned about like a week ago after seeing some clips of the Australian version of The Voice)? Is it just me or is there a bit of a trend with all these young tweendom male singers (maybe actors too, but I can only think of singers right now) dating/rumored to be dating older women? I'm not saying that's bad like a lot of the media and some fans (and that ridiculously offensive magazine in particular) are saying, but it's just, interesting? Like, it was definitely a subject that came up a lot when the whole Selena/Biebs thing started, which is ridiculous because she's only two years older than him and if the genders were reversed nobody would've given it a second thought. But I seem to remember Joe Jonas dating a couple of older women, and then there was Zayn and Rebecca Ferguson, and of course the Harry and Caroline thing, even Liam and Danielle, and apparently Nick Jonas and Delta Goodrem. Maybe this is just a sign that people are gradually letting go of that old double standard, which would be fantastic, even if only so that we'd never have to hear another Ashton and Demi "joke" again (although idk, maybe them divorcing is killing that joke just as quickly).
~ Welp, a whole section on tween stars' houses and not a single glimpse of Harry and Louis' sex cave bachelor pad. I am disappoint.
~ iCarly: yep, still going on. Jennette mentions "the new season" which is confusing to me because I thought iCarly had just completely given up on the concept of seasons? Not that I've watched this show for forever and now I'll never get a chance to because guess what, I went to college and my parents STOPPED GETTING TELEVISION, LIKE AT ALL. ARRRRRGH. I mean to be fair I watch all my Adult TV online and also since I left for college Disney has pretty much become all new shows with the latest tween star generation that I don't watch and have no interest in watching, and I can get BTR online which is the only thing I'm interested in from Nick, but still. What about my freakin' Olympics coverage?? What about getting sucked into ABC Family marathons of beloved old sitcoms and mediocre new ones all summer long? Or their bi-annual HP marathons or Spike's bi-monthly Star Wars marathons? I HATE EVERYTHING.
~ Jennette calls Miranda "Cosmos" and calls her one of her best friends. That is adorable. Especially because I vaguely remember having the impression way back in season one times that Jennette and Nathan were more friends with each other than with Miranda. Yay for being wrong!
~ So-called "revelations": Jennette likes the loft scenes best, so I guess that's like 80% of the show that she just branded as her favorite. Miranda says the writers sometimes ask them about current hip slang, which is hilarious, because I thought they just made up their own random slang and then pretend that it's totally a common thing to say? idek.
~ I still haven't seen the 1D episode. I'm a little hesitant because I keep hearing the boys are hilariously (if adorably) bad actors and man, I don't want all the secondhand embarrassment from that. But on the other hand, their faces. Their faces are on the iCarly set and are enticing me with their adorableness. Damn them.
~ Ooh, a page of polls. This should be fun. Selena Gomez wins hottest girl because she's Selena Fucking Gomez and she makes me want to die. Harry wins hottest guy by a much slimmer margin, followed by Biebs (WHY), Taylor Lautner (WHY), Niall (BB ILU) and Zayn. This is kind of fascinating, really. (I can only imagine Louis didn't make it because, well, he may be extremely attractive but he's probably got to ping on the gaydars even of most tweens who don't even realize they have gaydars? Of course this doesn't stop me from being the most attracted to him out of anyone in the band, which is unsurprising given the two-year crush I harbored on one of my best friends who we all secretly suspected of being gay (spoiler alert: he was). Sigh. And Liam is utterly adorable but also, you know, the most nondescript of the boys? Honestly they should be 1234 and 5 but who am I to judge, OH YEAH THE BEST PERSON. Whatever, Actual Tweens. Whatever.)
~ Interestingly, when it comes to Top 10 Favorite (which I guess isn't quite the same as "hottest", though to these magazines who knows) Brits we get Harry at 1, Louis at 3, Zayn 4 and Liam 5. (Adele is 2 (good!), RPattz is 6 (less good. I mean, I love RPattz, but I'm pretty sure it's for totally different reasons than I'm supposed to), Emma Watson is 7 (SHE SHOULD BE 1, UGH EMMA STAN 4 LYF), Gregg Sulkin is 8 (my beautiful princess), DanRad is 9 (sorry Rupert and Tom (and Matt), not this round), Prince William is 10 (omg what is this the late nineties??? what about Harry, he's an asshole but he's younger and more attractive and not married, geez).) Anyway I got super angry that Niall wasn't on this list until I remembered that he's not technically British. Look, I get the whole relationship with the British Isles/the UK/Great Britain/England/North Ireland/Ireland/whatever, but that doesn't mean I approve. Be less complicated, Albion.
~ Diary of a Wimpy Kids 3 is voted the most anticipated summer movie, which actually gives me a lot of insight about what age group is actually reading magazines like J-14. This might actually be super relevant for a paper I am apparently writing because my life is awesome. Hmm.
~ Snow White & the Huntsman is "in", while the original Snow White is "out". Okay, because that makes so much more sense than comparing the two new live action Snow Whites with each other.
~ Ariana Grande's character wins a Victorious-related poll by a mile over the show's actual protagonist. I know nothing about this show but that's kind of hilarious.
This is the weirdest poll ever.
whoops I was wrong.
~ Embarrassing moments are predictable and boring, except for this:
a) Oh Harry
b) I'm going to take this to mean that Harry and Louis joined the mile-high club while the guys were asleep (or "asleep")
c) awkward that J-14 thinks this is in any way an embarrassing thing to Harry Styles.
~ There's a brief "would you rather" quiz, the most disturbing question of which asks "find out Taylor Lautner is your long-lost cousin OR find out Justin Bieber is your best friend's brother". I'm not exactly sure what it's implying, but the message I'm getting is Incest. It's not just Disney anymore, you guys, the implications are spreading throughout all of tweendom.
~ Match the tweet to the star game! The only one I got was Niall because apparently I am That Person now, and he was talking about his jumping which is one of the 428329 reasons I love Niall Horan. Meanwhile, Cody Simpson has pimples.
~ Kiss/Date/Ditch, which is a cop-out, but whatever. Oh look, we DO get a Prince Harry reference! I would...ditch Prince Harry (sorry, I do still enjoy seeing you shirtless), kiss Styles ('cause boy's got LIPS), marry Potter ('cause how could I not?). Easy.
~ Next category is "Nick's brunet cuties" which seems like a stretch of a definition but whatever. Also easy: marry Avan because he's a fantastic person, kiss Logan because he's the most attractive BTR boy and avoid Nathan because he just doesn't do anything for me. I mean, he seems like he has a much more interesting personality than Logan, but I just went for personality over sexiness for Prince Harry/Harry Potter, so give me this one.
~ The quiz that's supposed to tell me what my texting style is is predictably stupid, but it does provide a photo of Selena Gomez in a bathing suit so I'll let it pass. In fact, here you go, because I'm a sharing, caring person:
~ Fashion fails are difficult to comment on because it's one of the few times this sort of magazine attempts snarkiness, which makes it difficult to snark on, but my god, has everyone but me been aware that Chloe Moretz's lips are trying to be the next Angelina-level phenomenon? Damn.
~ AHHHH JESSE MCCARTNEY'S FACE. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU THIS IS TERRIBLE.
I...what. What. Seriously. WHAT.
So. This is a thing that happened. Apparently. Self-insert fanfic is published in these magazines. With hilariously large disclaimers. And obviously not-so-great writing. And. And then there are these "imagine" things on tumblr and it really makes me wonder about the way fandom seems to be evolving. And seriously. WHAT.
OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. I didn't realize at first that the next page was also supposed to be fanfic, so I was literally just staring at these stories trying to puzzle out what the hell was going on and how they fit into any semblance of reality. WOW. Okay, this whole spread is freaking me out, it is Time to Move On.
(They've even turned Mad Libs into self-insert Princess Diaries-esque fanfic. I am slowly losing grip on my sanity.)
How about instead of trying to puzzle out the most obvious hand signal in the world, we all just CRACK THE THUMBS UP CODE, OKAY. HOW ABOUT THAT.
Things this last page does: make jokes that aren't actually jokes. Make terrible 1D puns. Hilariously if accidentally reference Zefron's attempts at taking on a more "adult" image. Create an accidental innuendo involving Katy Perry's tongue/her ex-husband. This page might actually be a pretty good summary of this entire magazine, actually.