43 weeks...
I haven't posted an entry in 43 weeks, so my little journal page tells me. I almost don't want to break the streak, because 43 weeks ago, everything was different...or 30 or 10 or even 2 weeks ago things were different. This entire year has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least, and it isn't even over. You'd think I would have had more to write about, but I really don't think I had the energy. The summer was great, I did my best to push away what was going on, and remain in a state of blissful ignorance about my parents, my friends leaving, and it worked for a while. Now find myself more on my own than I think I've ever been before.
I spent all of this time worrying about other people, about things that I couldn't change or stop or really have any influence on whatsoever. I worried about how my dad felt, about my mom, and my sisters, my lover and my friends. Then I had school start again and I worried about time and classes and money, and work, and was really living vicariously through emails and messages and phonecalls, all of which I miss terribly now, but I am also very tired now and don't know what happened to me. I grew complacent and fat-bellied ignoring my own life, glutted on ignorance.
I know this all sounds very dark and perhaps mysterious, but I think it is a realization that is a long time coming, and realizations can lead to positive changes if you put the work and effort into it. Right now, I need to put the work and effort into myself, and remember that I can be responsible for lifting my own spirits, and for changing my own path. I have never talked like I lived reactively, but I think that is what my life had become as of late, and it's not what I want or how I want to be. I can't live just adjusting and adapting to other people and their choices. I need to figure out what is right for me and be able to take charge of it.
I never felt like a commanding type of person, one of those influential people that everyone flocks to, but I have my own niche. I am a person that does things a little differently, a little more gently, and with empathy and compassion. Perhaps if I grow a thicker skin then I will be able to protect those things, and myself, while still remaining me on the inside. I want to write more and draw more and better the way I eat and drink and think and breathe and cook lots more. I don't know if I will appear different at all, but I think the people that know me best will be able to see a change, and hopefully still see in my eyes that I am the same Tiffy on the inside, still hopelessly emotional, and helplessly silly.
It's a rather terrifying proposition, and will take a tremendous amount of dedication on my part, and probably encouragement and support from the people that I love, but I don't want to think of it like a plan or a give and take either. I'm not looking for results, just happiness with myself and with my life. I don't think that that is too much to demand of myself.
So, hopefully you, livejournal, will be hearing more from me soon, and if anyone reads this thing at all, perhaps you will think of me and send your best.
I love love love you all.
-Tiffy.
p.s. Considering that I've been gone for 43 weeks, I think that was a pretty short recap, so be thankful for that too. Actually it is because I have gotten myself a cold, and what I already wrote has consumed the majority of my energy for the day...and I haven't even finished my work for school! Some things never change.
I spent all of this time worrying about other people, about things that I couldn't change or stop or really have any influence on whatsoever. I worried about how my dad felt, about my mom, and my sisters, my lover and my friends. Then I had school start again and I worried about time and classes and money, and work, and was really living vicariously through emails and messages and phonecalls, all of which I miss terribly now, but I am also very tired now and don't know what happened to me. I grew complacent and fat-bellied ignoring my own life, glutted on ignorance.
I know this all sounds very dark and perhaps mysterious, but I think it is a realization that is a long time coming, and realizations can lead to positive changes if you put the work and effort into it. Right now, I need to put the work and effort into myself, and remember that I can be responsible for lifting my own spirits, and for changing my own path. I have never talked like I lived reactively, but I think that is what my life had become as of late, and it's not what I want or how I want to be. I can't live just adjusting and adapting to other people and their choices. I need to figure out what is right for me and be able to take charge of it.
I never felt like a commanding type of person, one of those influential people that everyone flocks to, but I have my own niche. I am a person that does things a little differently, a little more gently, and with empathy and compassion. Perhaps if I grow a thicker skin then I will be able to protect those things, and myself, while still remaining me on the inside. I want to write more and draw more and better the way I eat and drink and think and breathe and cook lots more. I don't know if I will appear different at all, but I think the people that know me best will be able to see a change, and hopefully still see in my eyes that I am the same Tiffy on the inside, still hopelessly emotional, and helplessly silly.
It's a rather terrifying proposition, and will take a tremendous amount of dedication on my part, and probably encouragement and support from the people that I love, but I don't want to think of it like a plan or a give and take either. I'm not looking for results, just happiness with myself and with my life. I don't think that that is too much to demand of myself.
So, hopefully you, livejournal, will be hearing more from me soon, and if anyone reads this thing at all, perhaps you will think of me and send your best.
I love love love you all.
-Tiffy.
p.s. Considering that I've been gone for 43 weeks, I think that was a pretty short recap, so be thankful for that too. Actually it is because I have gotten myself a cold, and what I already wrote has consumed the majority of my energy for the day...and I haven't even finished my work for school! Some things never change.