Jan 09, 2008 14:47
Some of my current woes:
- It's the first week of school and I'm trying to keep my brain from exploding? What?
- I have a job, but I recently renewed my Driver's License so that info is bad and I therefore need to fill out a WHOLE NEW employment verification form and they need me to present both a driver's LIcense AND a SS card or Birth Certificate. Like I have those lying around....
- I eat, but not enough? I don't know what that's about....
The following is my attempt to make my pain funny. At least, my holiday pain....
*Disclaimer: The following is an opinion. It is in NO WAY MEANT to be offensive.*
Christmas is supossed to be a joyous time of the year, right?
No, not really, no.
I am of the school of thought that believes that people become even bigger assholes during the holidays just because they can I guess. Nicole has told me horror stories about working retail during the holidays, which makes me glad that the only nightmare I have to deal with is my family. I am sure a lot of you feel the same way.
As a preface to the following, I will harken for a moment to Eddie Izzard and his comments regarding a little holiday song with which I am sure most of you are familiar: The Twelve Days of Christmas.
No one knows the words after about the sixth day, and if you do, wow, I am impressed. Anyway, no one really knows what gifts got given after the fifth day or so, seriously, and by the time you get to twelve, most of the time your just making shit up; for example, twelve....monkeys humping.....eleven...lizards dancing.... In an attempt to make up for the fact that no one knows what comes after five, we get really exuberat about FIVE GOOOOLD RINGS!!!! It's probably one of the only lines to the song we remember.
That said, the following is NOT the real lyrics to the Twelve Days of Christmas. If you really want to know the REAL gifts that were given after five, I'm trusting you can go look them up yourself. You're all big girls and boys.
The following is a list (in no particular order (even though they are numbered....)) of twleve woes of Christmas and well, the holidays in general.
1) Family get togethers.
- You knew there was a reason you only saw these people once a year. This is why.
2) Shoppers
- Beleve it or not, the lady who stole the last action figure off the shelf before you really is that big of a bitch the rest of the year. The holidays are just the 'best' time of the year to bring it out.
- Ever hear of DIsneyland's Electrical Parade? Well, you get to experience something even more fun for free: the Tial Light Parade in the Macy's parking lot, the best part of which is the (at minimum) three assholes who cut in front of you who make it impossible to 'rush home with your treasures'.
3) Salespeople
- While there are a handful of people who realize that this is a stressful time of year and do everything in their power to keep from physically beating people, there are others who don't really care if you bought the wrong TV or if your service plan blows goats for pennies, that's just too bad and they can't help you.
4) Decorating
- I like decorating. I find it fun. But there is a point and a purpose behind the decorating and generally it isn't to make your house look like Christmas exploded in the living room. TASTEFUL DECORATING, KIDS. TASTEFUL. If you don't have any taste, find someone to help you decorate tastefully.
- The same goes for the outside of the house. Putting up as many lawn ornaments as humanly possible just to say that you have the most lawn ornaments? No, thanks though. Unless you LIKE having a really expensive electirc bill... FIND A THEME OR SOMETHING. The it doesn't look like Christmas shat on your lawn.
5) GOOOLD RINGS!
- Sorry, I had to. Actually, I didn't. I'm trying to be funny and I have a sneaking suspicion it's not working...
6) "Batteries Not Included"
- Well, why the FUCK not? I'm payin enough money for this, you should just give me the fucking batteries. But no. It's all in the spirit of the holidays to make people spend more than they have to so that companies can have more money. I see how the battery companies would be poorer if the batteries were included, but has no one ever heard of making business deals?
7) Screaming Children
- They don't want to be there, then don't bring them. Other people don't appreciate listening to them. Please, control your children when you bring them shopping.
8) Food
- I realize this could probably go under shopping, but I'm making it seperate because consumption and Consumerism are two seperate things.
- TIP: Make sure everyone knows what they are bringing to dinner in case of duplicates. There was one year that for some VERY strange reason we had two turkeys, a ham, no desserts and a lot of leftovers. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU!!
9) The Tree and the accessories therein
- The Tree is considered by many to be the centerpiece of the decorations inside the home. Finding the perfect three is sometimes a long and aggravating process, and I sympathize. If you're having trouble, sometimes an artificial tree is the best way to go, particularly if you know someone allergic to pine.
- Now, lights. Ever been putting lights up and one of them is dead so the whole string goes out? It's very aggravating. TIP: The mini Christmas lights are sometimes on curcuits so it makes it easier to replace the lights that are out and you don't have to go through the whole string to figure out which light is dead. Nice, eh?
10) Charities
- This is both a woe and praise. i appreciate what you are trying to do, but don't push people or make them feel guilty. Some people already feel guilty enough during the holidays.
11) Weather
- Normal people have no control over the weather, but they do have control over how they travel in the weather. Please drive carefully. The freeway is not a drag strip.
12) Holiday Entertainment
- After about the twelfth time you have watched 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' it stops making sense. I realize it's a traditional holiday story, but really. Also after a while, no one cares about 'It's A Wonderful Life'. We all know by now that "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings." Lots of people know that God kills a kitten every time you masterbate, but no one wants to put that in a movie and that doesn't stop people from masterbating. I forgot my point, so I'll move on.
- Christmas music is annoying and is only for Christmas. Playing it the day after Thanksgiving isn't cool people. Playing it all year round isn't cool either. You are scarring countless youths with your holiday facism. I am one of the scarred youths about which I speak, but that is a different story for a different day.
So here's to a very lousy Christmas and a crappy New Year. Happy Holidays, everyone!
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