Rough day
Thank you for helping me put the plastic on my windows.
Sometimes something you do or have to look at brings up memories that you wish had stayed repressed. Just having to look at the windows covered in plastic was so painful that I wanted to cry. I am afraid that my electricity bill will suck me dry and leave me out in the cold, again, and it scares me so badly I want to rage at my parents for putting me through what they did when I was a child.
It is so hard to go to school smelling like fire and wearing clothes that are dirty and stained from soot and ashes, because they didn't pay their electric bill. Trying to fall asleep with your covers up over your head because your lips and nose freeze in the sub-zero temperatures in your room. Waking up with near-frostbite because the puny fire in the wood stove smothered itself out, tredging down to the basement to start it up again and falling asleep with your face in the ashes that spilled from the stove on accident. Finally some warmth soothes you to sleep to wake up again on the cold concrete to have to wash in ice cold water because there is no electricity for hot water. All through middle school and high school, every winter was the same routine.
People are relentless in destroying someone different from them, no matter the fact that they don't ever bother to attempt to understand what is happening or why.
Asshole helped run up crazy amounts that I am left to once again figure out how to pay off. No matter who I have lived with or for how long, I ALWAYS get stuck cleaning up their messes that they have left behind, including my parents.
Just so I would have a place to live, even though my parents hated him and I could not have a civil conversation with my step-father, I begged him to let us live with him. He hadn't had hot water in almost a year because the hot water heater shit the bed. I scraped up enough to buy a new one and had the delivery included, just to find out that my step-ass didn't pay his electric bill to have the hot water heated. Ended up paying his bill and buying the hot water heater, just so I could wash dishes and take a hot shower, only to end up moving to my mom's house (they had split up by then) to get away from my abusive ex.
I am so sick and tired of having to repeat history no matter what I have done to make my life better. It aggravates me and makes me depressed that I can't seem to get away from my past, no matter where I go or how far I run. I am just tired.
Sometimes something you do or have to look at brings up memories that you wish had stayed repressed. Just having to look at the windows covered in plastic was so painful that I wanted to cry. I am afraid that my electricity bill will suck me dry and leave me out in the cold, again, and it scares me so badly I want to rage at my parents for putting me through what they did when I was a child.
It is so hard to go to school smelling like fire and wearing clothes that are dirty and stained from soot and ashes, because they didn't pay their electric bill. Trying to fall asleep with your covers up over your head because your lips and nose freeze in the sub-zero temperatures in your room. Waking up with near-frostbite because the puny fire in the wood stove smothered itself out, tredging down to the basement to start it up again and falling asleep with your face in the ashes that spilled from the stove on accident. Finally some warmth soothes you to sleep to wake up again on the cold concrete to have to wash in ice cold water because there is no electricity for hot water. All through middle school and high school, every winter was the same routine.
People are relentless in destroying someone different from them, no matter the fact that they don't ever bother to attempt to understand what is happening or why.
Asshole helped run up crazy amounts that I am left to once again figure out how to pay off. No matter who I have lived with or for how long, I ALWAYS get stuck cleaning up their messes that they have left behind, including my parents.
Just so I would have a place to live, even though my parents hated him and I could not have a civil conversation with my step-father, I begged him to let us live with him. He hadn't had hot water in almost a year because the hot water heater shit the bed. I scraped up enough to buy a new one and had the delivery included, just to find out that my step-ass didn't pay his electric bill to have the hot water heated. Ended up paying his bill and buying the hot water heater, just so I could wash dishes and take a hot shower, only to end up moving to my mom's house (they had split up by then) to get away from my abusive ex.
I am so sick and tired of having to repeat history no matter what I have done to make my life better. It aggravates me and makes me depressed that I can't seem to get away from my past, no matter where I go or how far I run. I am just tired.