(no subject)
so all of you know about my moms breast cancer scare, and the fact that now she's in and out of the hospital for lukemia shit or whatever. i don't need this. i'm actually getting physically sick because of all the stress. trying to balance a full time job and being a full time student, along with a social life, fitting in time for my family and then all of this emotional rollercoaster of bad luck. i barely have time to breath, and/or sort things out. i just need a place to rest my head. i keep feeling i need to be held, but i don't want anyone to touch me. it's weird, i dunno whats wrong with me. everytime someone asks "how are you" i have to fight back the tears. but i smile and say, "i'm doing alright, and you?" when i'm around people i have to act happy, i have to act ok. my mom told me that when she gave me the news, "just act like nothing is wrong" umm ok. but once people find out what's going on, it makes me look insincere. the truth is, i'm dying on the inside, but people are more comfortable around you if you seem happy, and like nothing is wrong. i may be jumping around, and laughing and making jokes, but i can't stop thinking about how my mom is basically dying, and it's eating away at me. it's all about looks... looking happy.
i went to my anthropology prof. and told him that "my mom was just diagnosed with lukemia and that i was in the hospital with her. i have been unable to make it to class, so i missed the exam." he didn't care. instead of taking off 50 points he took off 20, what a wonderful man! no really... that fucking blows. what a bastard. i totally failed it in the first place. that 20 points is going to send my grade to sub zero. AWESOME.
i think i really need to just get out of this place. take a vacation. go somewhere. oh yeah thats right, i'm fucking poor as shit. i just wanna leave, and never come back.. but i know i can't run, and i can't hide from my problems, it's just that being home all the time allows everything to seep in, and linger, and haunt me. everything reminds me of everything else. my mom came into the theatre to see shark tale. but she started feeling really weak again, and her back was hurting her. i got her some advil, but she wasn't sure if she would be ok. i went into the upstairs bathroom and cried into my lap, by myself, and went back downstairs with a smile. even writing about it makes me want to cry again. i need help...
i went to my anthropology prof. and told him that "my mom was just diagnosed with lukemia and that i was in the hospital with her. i have been unable to make it to class, so i missed the exam." he didn't care. instead of taking off 50 points he took off 20, what a wonderful man! no really... that fucking blows. what a bastard. i totally failed it in the first place. that 20 points is going to send my grade to sub zero. AWESOME.
i think i really need to just get out of this place. take a vacation. go somewhere. oh yeah thats right, i'm fucking poor as shit. i just wanna leave, and never come back.. but i know i can't run, and i can't hide from my problems, it's just that being home all the time allows everything to seep in, and linger, and haunt me. everything reminds me of everything else. my mom came into the theatre to see shark tale. but she started feeling really weak again, and her back was hurting her. i got her some advil, but she wasn't sure if she would be ok. i went into the upstairs bathroom and cried into my lap, by myself, and went back downstairs with a smile. even writing about it makes me want to cry again. i need help...