(no subject)
Well, I guess that I was avoiding the doubts all along because with time I just wanted to get to know him better. With time they would go away. But I see now there were doubts not extinguished in his mind. Nor does he know how to deal with the loss of his father and the responsibilities he has to fulfill for his family. I want him to survive the negative thoughts and internal ramblings that consume his life.
I wake up with both my parents, a reasonably good relationship with my siblings and as hyper as an ADD child at times. I see that he lives his days differently. The total opposite. It isn't about culture difference. I care very little about it. I was raised in America, not the Dominican Republic (as much as I had dreamed of when I was younger). I am open minded enough to deal with culture difference.
I didn't know how to break down the doubts to him. This Saturday is the first anniversary of his father's death. I know inside he is a life loving person but most of our conversations he is talking about how consumed he is of life responsibilities. Bills, taking his mother to the doctor, mortgage, providing the father figure role to his nephew... He seems distracted when I talk to him. I told him I want him to be happy. That his father only wanted him to be happy. But simply saying, I want to be happy is easier said than done. I wouldn't know how to deal if my father died. Even with the hope of resurrection, it continues to be a stab to your heart.
He seems like he is getting older than what he really is. I want him to laugh with me and feel the laughter in his gut. But I know it's not there. I recognize though that he wanted to run when I wanted to walk. I am not ready to get married. I am not ready to leave my family. I am not ready to sit still in one place.
I care about him a lot and I think through friendship we can strengthen a solid bond of trust. I think there is more involved with his mental situation than his father's death. He just needs to find the time to pinpoint it and alter his attitude before it affects everything... and I believe it already has.
Who ever said relationships were fun?