➤ 022
a tiny infinity
2ne1/1tym, cl/teddy, teddy/ofc, dara/omc; pg; 4194 words
written for the 2011 round of kpop_olymfics (originally posted here)
THE THINGS I WENT THROUGH FOR THIS FIC :| i changed the plot three different times and rewrote almost every section at least twice until i finally had something that i felt was worth submitting. much love and gratitude to my friend yangwang for her beta job, as well as to all everyone from Team Future who looked over this.
title
The first thing Chaerin sees as she comes out of the terminal is a giant pink bow accompanied by an equally huge sign with THE BADDEST FEMALE SEOUL CITY EVER HAD written on it. Dara beams at her from beneath her ridiculous hat, a grinning Seungho at her side. Chaerin laughs as she’s crushed in welcome-home hugs and kisses on the cheek (accompanied by some overdramatic sobbing, courtesy of Dara). “Hello to you, too. And before you ask, yes, I did bring everyone a present, but they’re in my luggage. So don’t go searching through my purse, oppa,” she warns Seungho, who scoffs despite the smile on his lips. The two of them quiz her on her time in America as they go to collect her things at the baggage claim, and before long they’re in a company car, heading to Chaerin’s new apartment and then to the YGE building.
There’s a lull in the conversation ten minutes in, and Chaerin realizes something. “Where’s Jiyong? I thought he’d be here for sure.”
Seungho rolls his eyes. “He was supposed to be, but then he was awake a week straight working on the debut song for the new group, so when he finally fell asleep in the studio, we thought it’d be better to leave him there.”
Chaerin laughs and shakes her head. “He’s gonna be pissed at you when he wakes up.”
“Yeah, well, we’ve got you and Jaesun to distract him,” Dara says with a grin.
“Jaesun?”
“His new not-boyfriend,” Seungho clarifies.
Chaerin snorts. “Almost thirty years old and he still hasn’t resolved his committment issues? Two years away from Korea and I come back to find nothing’s changed.”
“Excuse you” Dara says indignantly. “Some of us have nothing against committment.”
“The divorce rate goes up every day,” Seungho says dryly, and Chaerin laughs when Dara swats at him. She’d forgotten how easy it is, being with them. She’s missed that.
“So you’re coming, right?”
It takes her a second to realize what Dara’s talking about. “Oh, your baby shower? Yeah, I am. Next week?”
“Wednesday.” Dara rests a hand on her belly and smiles down at where her shirt bulges out. “Bom’s been planning it since she found out.”
“Have you decided on a name yet?” Chaerin asks.
“I suggested ‘Fuckface,’ but she vetoed it.” Seungho rolls his eyes as Dara kicks his shin.
Chaerin laughs. “Can’t imagine why.” There’s a few moments of comfortable silence before Chaerin asks, “So who all is going to be there?”
“Pretty much everyone from YGE,” Dara says, ticking them off on her fingers. “And my family, of course. Plus some friends from the Philippines are flying in.” She considers for a moment, and then her eyes widen a little. “Oh. And, um. Teddy’s fiancée.”
She’s heard that phrase a million times by now and her heart still twists every time it’s repeated. It’s been almost three years since she and Teddy broke up (and if she’s honest with herself she knows that it could never have lasted), but the burn in her chest has yet to fade completely away. “Oh. Right.” Dara’s fidgeting in her seat, and Seungho’s watching her in that slow, careful way of his, and suddenly Chaerin’s good mood isn’t so good any more. “I have actually moved on, you know,” she snaps. “I’m not some lovestruck teenager.”
“We know that,” Seungho says gently. His palms are soft when he reaches forward and takes Chaerin’s hands in his own. “We just worry sometimes.”
Chaerin bites back the impulse to say something rude. “I know,” she finally replies, and forces a smile. “Thank you.”
“Really, Chaerin, I think you’ll like her,” Dara tells her. “And she’s so good for Teddy.”
Chaerin hums non-committally and pulls her hands back after a quick squeeze. “We’ll see.” She glances out the window and smiles when she sees a sidewalk full of hassled-looking businessmen. “Unnie, when was the last time you played Hey Cow?”
Dara grins and rolls down her window.
“I want to break up.”
Chaerin’s heart slid down her chest to land in her stomach. She could feel the acid eating at it, burning away the muscle. It coursed into her vena cava and was pushed out by her atrium to course through her veins.
“I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. But I just-”
Chaerin wondered how long it would take for Teddy to notice that she was melting away from the inside out. She suspected it had reached her ears already: she had to strain to comprehend what he was saying. All she could hear was the low rumble of his voice, slow and hesitant now.
“You understand, right?”
The guardedly expectant look on Teddy’s face made Chaerin open her mouth. It took a second for her to recover use of her tongue, but finally she said, “Yeah. Of course.” She hoped he couldn’t see the lie dripping from her teeth.
Teddy smiled at her and stood there a moment longer, awkward in his baggy clothes. “Okay. Well. I’ll see you around then.” Chaerin watched him go. The moment he turned the corner, the acid reached her knees and she slumped to the ground.
Chaerin had spent the flight nervous about seeing everyone again after so long, but the news about Teddy has her heart beating double-time all the way from her apartment complex to YGE. He’s not there when she arrives, but Minji accosts her the moment she walks into the studio. “Unnie!”
“Hey, magnae.” Chaerin pats her head affectionately.
Minji pouts and pokes her in the side. “I’m 22 now, unnie,” she reminds Chaerin. “And besides, I haven’t been the magnae in two years.”
“You’ll always be magnae to me,” Chaerin tells her, then sighs heavily and pinches her cheeks. “Aigoo, my baby’s all grown up~”
“Stop it,” Minji laughs, shoving at her. “You’re so embarrassing.”
The studio door flies open and hits the outside wall with a bang, and Chaerin turns around in time to see both Bom and Jiyong racing towards her before she’s nearly knocked over by the force of their hugs. “Chaerin-ah!” Jiyong shouts in one ear, and “I missed you so much!” Bom wails in the other.
“Uh,” Chaerin says. “Hi.”
They both pull back and start chattering at her in unison, Bom cooing over her new red hair as Jiyong demands to know what Jeremy’s Fashion Week afterparty was like, because he heard stories and there’s no way all of it can be true.
Eventually the room fills up with people, Seunghyun and Gummy and Shaun and even some of the bolder trainees. Chaerin greets them all with hugs and pecks on the cheek, and it’s just starting to get loud when there’s a knock against the doorframe.
When Chaerin turns around it’s to find Teddy standing there. He looks the same as he always does, hat pulled over his hood in the most endearingly ridiculous way and jeans hanging off his scrawny hips, but there’s something different about him. Chaerin can’t put her finger on it until he smiles at her, and then all of a sudden she gets it: he looks comfortable. Even when they were dating, he’d always kept his guard up, as if dropping it would make her run in the other direction. She’s seen him break a few times, with Danny or Seungho or some of his other friends, but this is different. Chaerin’s not sure how to react.
He’s asking her how her flight was. She blinks and says, “Dunno. I slept through most of it.”
Teddy laughs. “Good, good.” And there it is again, that smile, bright and cheerful and totally devoid of the shyness she’s used to seeing on his face. There’s another pang in her chest, a little twist of her heart that makes her muscles tense up. She feels suddenly and irrationally jealous of the woman who managed to change him like this, for doing what she never could.
The mug made a loud thunk when it landed in front of Chaerin, startling her out of where she’d been half-asleep on the cafeteria table. “What-”
“Good morning,” Jiyong said cheerfully. He looked obscenely awake for a man who had been up until 4AM. “I brought you something.”
“Coffee?” Chaerin asked, reaching blearily for the mug. She took a sip and sighed happily. “You know, if your career ever tanks you could totally become a barista.”
Jiyong snorted and dropped into the seat next to her. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” Chaerin watched out of the corner of her eye as he took out his laptop and opened his latest project, filled with layers upon layers of different audio tracks.
After a moment, she asked, in a carefully nonchalant tone, “Teddy’s been working on this with you, right?”
Jiyong turned to face her specifically so he could raise an eyebrow. Clearly she hadn’t been casual enough. Dammit. “Shouldn’t you know that?”
Chaerin sighed and stared down into her mug. “We don’t talk much lately.”
“Hm.” He turned back to his computer, his knee bumping hers under the table. “Why not?”
She shrugged. “Dunno. We’re both busy, I guess.”
“You’re both used to being busy, though.” He played a short section, then frowned and changed the timing of it. “Are you sure it’s not something else?”
A few minutes passed in silence before Chaerin finally said, “I think he’s going to break up with me.”
“Ah.”
“You don’t seem surprised.”
Jiyong shrugged and sat back in his chair. “You want me to be honest?” Chaerin nodded. “The two of you...you’re too similar for it to work out.” He held up his hands when Chaerin started glaring. “I’m just saying. You’d never put him above 2NE1, right?”
“No,” Chaerin admitted. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t love him.”
“I’m not saying you don’t. But, I don’t know, I think you gotta be willing to compromise for relationships to last.”
Heat rushed to her face, and Chaerin crossed her arms over her chest to guard against the flare of pain she felt whenever she thought about this now. “I can compromise!” she argued.
“But, Chaerin-ah.” Jiyong’s voice was gentle as he put his hand on her shoulder and looked straight at her. “Do you really want to?”
Chaerin’s always been a city girl. She loves the rhythm of cities, the rapid, jerky ways people walk. She likes how everyone flows together, groups moving in unison to where they need to go. She remembers the first time she went to tokyo, how she watched in awe as the entire crowd stepped off the sidewalk only a moment before the light turned red, like clockwork. Her papa had to pull her along the streets or else she’d have spent all her time sitting and observing everything around her.
When she’d first arrived in Los Angeles, she’d filled up half a notebook in less than a week. The pace there is so different from Seoul. People move quick and smooth, like they’re in the movies being made around them. They call to one another, yell across the street and don’t care what kind of looks they get. There is no eye contact in Seoul. Everyone keeps their head down and hurries along the sidewalk. Each is inspiring to chaerin, in its own way. Her words were fearless in America, in English, loud and brash and full of emotion. In Korea, her rhymes are cleaner. She crafts them delicately instead of spitting them out, makes them light and sharp instead of thick and harsh.
This is what Chaerin thinks about in the bathroom as she washes her hands, turning choruses over in her mind. She taps her fingernail against the faucet as she turns it off, then frowns and changes the tempo, slowing it down.
“What are you doing?” Bom asks, a curious tilt to her head.
Chaerin gasps and whirls around, clutching at her heart. “Jesus, unnie.”
Bom blinks at her. “What?”
“I didn’t see you-never mind.” Chaerin shakes her head at herself and turns to get a paper towel. Bom drifts into one of the stalls behind her, humming tunelessly to herself. It’s nostalgic somehow, and suddenly Chaerin misses Seoul so much, is homesick in a way that she wasn’t in Los Angeles. It doesn’t make any sense, because she’s here, not 12 hours and 43 minutes away like she has been for the past two years, but she still wants to go out and explore, to remember the way this city breathes. She wants to get cheap ddukboki from a street vendor, to visit every tourist trap, to walk all the way up to the roof of the 63 Building and look out over the city, trying to find her apartment.
“Unnie,” she says to the pale blue door, “wanna go on a walk with me?”
“Do you think it’s my hair?” Chaerin pulled a lock out in front so she could see it, then gave a dejected sigh and let it drop back to her shoulder. “I mean, it is weird, not many people under the age of like sixty have grey hair, but it’s for our concept and it’s not like I chose it, you know?”
“Okay, firstly, it’s not grey, it’s silver,” Dara said, sucking coffee ice cream off her spoon. “Secondly, he thought Seunghyun’s hair looked fine when it was that ridiculous white, so I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have anything against the color itself. And thirdly, Teddy is not the type of person who’d get all distant because he doesn’t like the way your hair looks. Give yourself some credit, Chaerin-ah, you wouldn’t date somebody like that.”
“Maybe it’s because I wore that skirt.” Chaerin took another swig from her bottle of cheap wine. “I never wear them and it was so short and I probably looked like some kind of slut even though I was just trying to impress him. God. I’m a fucking idiot.”
Sandara rolled her eyes. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“I’m not!” Chaerin hiccuped. Then tears started forming. “Oh my god, he’s going to break up with me because I hiccup when I drink and he can’t take me anywhere because I’m so embarrassing and that’s why we haven’t been anywhere in months, and fuck I hate my diaphragm, why does it have to ruin everything!”
Dara pointed her spoon at Chaerin. “You are very intoxicated, and you’re not thinking straight. I’m going to let you finish that bottle, but then we’re going to switch to water, okay?”
Chaerin sniffled. “Okay.”
“Look, if something’s wrong between you and Teddy, the best thing for you to do is talk about it. Alcohol isn’t going to solve anything.”
“Maybe if I get him drunk we can start having sex again,” Chaerin said, hopeful.
Dara sighed and held a spoonful to Chaerin’s mouth. “Maybe.”
Chaerin’s never been that comfortable with being feminine, at least not as Korea defines it. Women like Dara fit the ideal so much better, she thinks, all big eyes and smooth skin. But she’s trying now, she is, she’s even worn a dress to Dara’s baby shower. She’s not sure it fits as well as Bom assures her it does, but she doesn’t want to be out of place. The look on Dara’s face when she walks in makes her feel better about it. “Chaerin-ah,” she practically squeals, “oh, you look gorgeous!”
“Thanks, unnie.” Chaerin hugs her and presses a kiss to her cheek. “Congratulations.”
“Okay, we’re having lunch soon, so come over here with me.” Dara drags her over to a seat and deposits her there. “Stay,” she says, pointing a stern finger. Chaerin holds up her hands and Dara, apparently satisfied, bounces off again.
“I don’t know how she has so much energy,” says the woman in the chair next to her. “When my sister was pregnant, all she ever did was complain about how tired she was.”
“She’s just always been like that,” Chaerin says, watching her fondly. “When she’s tired she just gets even more energetic. Like a toddler.”
The woman laughs. “At least she’ll be able to keep up with him once he’s been born.” She bows a little, and Chaerin automatically does the same. “I’m Jinae, by the way. You’re CL, right?”
Chaerin shakes her head. “I haven’t gone by that in two years. Just call me Chaerin.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Chaerin,” Jinae says. The subtle lines around her eyes deepen when she smiles, but somehow it just makes her even more pretty.
They chat more, about babies and weddings and all the things that normally Chaerin couldn’t care less about. It’s a little weird being so girly, but for some reason she’s actually enjoying herself. When Jinae reaches for her wineglass, something on her hand catches the light. Chaerin looks at it for a moment, then realizes-oh. Oh. “Dara, you conniving bitch,” she murmurs to herself.
“Hm?” Jinae turns to her with a smile, her head tilted slightly in curiousity. “Did you say something?”
Chaerin hesitates a moment, then smiles back. “No. I was just.... Your ring is beautiful.” She’s a little surprised at how much she means it.
“Thank you! I feel happy every time I look at it,” she confides, and Chaerin makes herself laugh along with her.
“Are things, um. Going well for you?” she asks tentatively.
Jinae nods. “He’s a wonderful man. I’m really lucky.”
“You make him happy,” Chaerin hears herself say. “I can see it in his face.”
Jinae blushes, her hand going to toy with the pendant around her neck. “Thank you. I just-to be honest, I’m really happy to hear that from you,” she confesses, and Chaerin’s heart skips a beat. “I know how much you care about him.”
Chaerin swallows against the sudden lump in her throat. “Yeah. Teddy-oppa is-”
She’s interrupted by a loud gasp. They both whirl around to see Dara standing behind them with a look of shock on her face, her dress soaked. They all stare at one another for what feels like ages, and then Dara winces and puts a hand on her belly, and the spell is broken.
“Okay,” Chaerin says. “Jinae-unnie, I need you to call Danilo-oppa and tell him his wife’s water just broke.” Jinae fumbles her phone out of her purse, and Chaerin turns to Dara. “Are you okay?” she asks, and Dara nods. “Alright then. Let’s get you to a hospital.”
Chaerin dropped onto the floor, breathing hard. “This comeback is going to be the death of me,” she gasped.
Minji turned off the stereo and gracefully sat down next to her. “Come on, unnie, it’s not that difficult of a dance. You just have to push through it.”
“Shut up, you’re like a dancing robot or something,” Chaerin muttered.
Minji laughed. “Is it really that hard? I mean, I can change some stuff if you think it is....”
“No, no, I’m just bitching.” Chaerin smiled at her. “It’s a good routine, Minji-yah. I’m glad YG let you do this.”
Minji beamed. “Me, too. He said that when I’m older and 2NE1’s over I could be a choreographer.”
Chaerin’s eyebrows shot up, and she leaned over for a hug. “That’s great!”
“It’s not guaranteed,” Minji admitted, “but if I can impress him with this then I think he’ll definitely want to do it.”
“Yeah.” Chaerin is silent for a moment, then says, “It’s weird to imagine 2NE1 not being together anymore, though.”
“Right?” Minji leaned back on her hands. “What do you think the future will be like?”
Chaerin shrugged. “Dunno. It’s hard to know what’ll happen.”
“D’you think you and Teddy-oppa will still be together?”
“I hope so,” Chaerin answered. “I’m just looking forward to a day when we aren’t so busy all the time.”
Minji laughed. “That’s never going to happen, unnie. You both like working too much.”
Chaerin swatted at her. “Brat.”
Minji pinched her thigh in retaliation. “It’s true! You’re always complaining about how you never get any time together, but you love 2NE1 too much to slow down.”
“Well, when you put it that way....” Chaerin sighed and leaned her head on Minji’s shoulder. “What about you?”
The thought stuck with her the rest of the day. What would she be doing in three years? Ten years? A few decades? How long would 2NE1 last? Would she ever get married or have children? And what about YGE?
Then the studio door opened and Teddy gave her that little shy smile of his, and Chaerin decided that it didn’t matter what the future held. Right here, right now-that was what mattered.
It seems like everyone in YGE shows up to the hospital, all of them crammed in a tiny waiting room. Minji is praying and Bom is worrying her hair between her fingertips and Chaerin is sitting between them, numb. Rationally, she knows that a baby born a month early isn’t a major health risk, and that her own mother was in labor with her for 36 hours straight, but she can’t stop the thoughts tumbling through her head about blue babies and 1% of mothers die in childbirth and please, please just let her be okay. Chaerin feels like she’s suffocating with all these people around. She has to get out.
“Excuse me,” she mutters as she works her way through the crowd. Seungho tries to catch her arm, but she shakes her head, and he lets go in understanding. When she finally gets outside, she takes a deep breath. The cold air catches on something inside her, and before she knows it, tears are streaming down her face. She leans against the brick wall and presses her face into her hands, trying not to cry too loudly.
“Hey,” says a quiet voice, and Chaerin looks up to see Teddy standing in front of her, a cigarette between his fingers. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” she lies, wiping at her face. “Just stressed, with, um. With Dara and all.” She bites her lip and looks down, trying to keep it in, and then Teddy’s cigarette drops to the ground and his foot stubs it out when he steps forward to pull her against his chest. Her arms go around his waist after a moment, and Chaerin lets herself sob into his shoulder. He strokes her hair with one hand and hums soothingly, and it just makes her cry harder. For once, there’s no detached part of her mind pointing out how out-of-character this is for the Teddy she knew and that this is probably a terrible idea; for once, Chaerin stops thinking and just feels.
There’s a ridiculous wet patch on his hoodie when she pulls back, dark with mascara, and she sniffs and rubs at it. “Sorry.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.” Chaerin knows without looking up that he’s watching her, still a little cautious. “Are you feeling better now?”
“Yeah.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. They stand there for a few minutes in silence before Chaerin says softly, “You broke my heart, you know.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” He starts to say something more, but she holds up a finger to stop him.
“But I think...it was for the best.” Chaerin pushes a lock of hair behind her ear. “Dara sat me next to Jinae at her baby shower. I really liked her.”
There’s a look of undisguised love in his eyes. “She’s wonderful.”
Chaerin smiles. “She is. You deserve her.”
Teddy blinks, then grins back. “You think so?”
Chaerin nods. “I do.” She shoves him playfully. “So don’t get all insecure and fuck it up, okay?” she tells him in English.
“I promise,” Teddy laughs. Chaerin steps forward and hugs him again, and when she feels his heart beating, something thick and twisted in her own chest gives way. He kisses the side of her head, she squeezes him around the waist, and they both pull away smiling.
“Hey!” Seungho shouts, and they both turn to see him waving at them from the doorway of the lobby. “Stop being all dramatic and come see the baby!”
They roll their eyes in unison and walk back inside together, Teddy slinging an arm around Seungho’s shoulders. Chaerin watches Jinae press a kiss to Teddy’s cheek when they’re back in the waiting room and feels so free, like she could fly.
Danilo walks into the room beaming, his eyes red and wet, and says, “Chaerin-ah, she wants to see you.”
“Is this okay?” he asked when they finally pulled apart, his stubble scratching lightly at her chin.
“Yes,” she breathed. Her heart felt like it was going to burst out of her body and do cartwheels across the floor of his studio. “It’s perfect.”
concrit → pm or dadilada@gmail
2ne1/1tym, cl/teddy, teddy/ofc, dara/omc; pg; 4194 words
written for the 2011 round of kpop_olymfics (originally posted here)
THE THINGS I WENT THROUGH FOR THIS FIC :| i changed the plot three different times and rewrote almost every section at least twice until i finally had something that i felt was worth submitting. much love and gratitude to my friend yangwang for her beta job, as well as to all everyone from Team Future who looked over this.
title
The first thing Chaerin sees as she comes out of the terminal is a giant pink bow accompanied by an equally huge sign with THE BADDEST FEMALE SEOUL CITY EVER HAD written on it. Dara beams at her from beneath her ridiculous hat, a grinning Seungho at her side. Chaerin laughs as she’s crushed in welcome-home hugs and kisses on the cheek (accompanied by some overdramatic sobbing, courtesy of Dara). “Hello to you, too. And before you ask, yes, I did bring everyone a present, but they’re in my luggage. So don’t go searching through my purse, oppa,” she warns Seungho, who scoffs despite the smile on his lips. The two of them quiz her on her time in America as they go to collect her things at the baggage claim, and before long they’re in a company car, heading to Chaerin’s new apartment and then to the YGE building.
There’s a lull in the conversation ten minutes in, and Chaerin realizes something. “Where’s Jiyong? I thought he’d be here for sure.”
Seungho rolls his eyes. “He was supposed to be, but then he was awake a week straight working on the debut song for the new group, so when he finally fell asleep in the studio, we thought it’d be better to leave him there.”
Chaerin laughs and shakes her head. “He’s gonna be pissed at you when he wakes up.”
“Yeah, well, we’ve got you and Jaesun to distract him,” Dara says with a grin.
“Jaesun?”
“His new not-boyfriend,” Seungho clarifies.
Chaerin snorts. “Almost thirty years old and he still hasn’t resolved his committment issues? Two years away from Korea and I come back to find nothing’s changed.”
“Excuse you” Dara says indignantly. “Some of us have nothing against committment.”
“The divorce rate goes up every day,” Seungho says dryly, and Chaerin laughs when Dara swats at him. She’d forgotten how easy it is, being with them. She’s missed that.
“So you’re coming, right?”
It takes her a second to realize what Dara’s talking about. “Oh, your baby shower? Yeah, I am. Next week?”
“Wednesday.” Dara rests a hand on her belly and smiles down at where her shirt bulges out. “Bom’s been planning it since she found out.”
“Have you decided on a name yet?” Chaerin asks.
“I suggested ‘Fuckface,’ but she vetoed it.” Seungho rolls his eyes as Dara kicks his shin.
Chaerin laughs. “Can’t imagine why.” There’s a few moments of comfortable silence before Chaerin asks, “So who all is going to be there?”
“Pretty much everyone from YGE,” Dara says, ticking them off on her fingers. “And my family, of course. Plus some friends from the Philippines are flying in.” She considers for a moment, and then her eyes widen a little. “Oh. And, um. Teddy’s fiancée.”
She’s heard that phrase a million times by now and her heart still twists every time it’s repeated. It’s been almost three years since she and Teddy broke up (and if she’s honest with herself she knows that it could never have lasted), but the burn in her chest has yet to fade completely away. “Oh. Right.” Dara’s fidgeting in her seat, and Seungho’s watching her in that slow, careful way of his, and suddenly Chaerin’s good mood isn’t so good any more. “I have actually moved on, you know,” she snaps. “I’m not some lovestruck teenager.”
“We know that,” Seungho says gently. His palms are soft when he reaches forward and takes Chaerin’s hands in his own. “We just worry sometimes.”
Chaerin bites back the impulse to say something rude. “I know,” she finally replies, and forces a smile. “Thank you.”
“Really, Chaerin, I think you’ll like her,” Dara tells her. “And she’s so good for Teddy.”
Chaerin hums non-committally and pulls her hands back after a quick squeeze. “We’ll see.” She glances out the window and smiles when she sees a sidewalk full of hassled-looking businessmen. “Unnie, when was the last time you played Hey Cow?”
Dara grins and rolls down her window.
“I want to break up.”
Chaerin’s heart slid down her chest to land in her stomach. She could feel the acid eating at it, burning away the muscle. It coursed into her vena cava and was pushed out by her atrium to course through her veins.
“I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. But I just-”
Chaerin wondered how long it would take for Teddy to notice that she was melting away from the inside out. She suspected it had reached her ears already: she had to strain to comprehend what he was saying. All she could hear was the low rumble of his voice, slow and hesitant now.
“You understand, right?”
The guardedly expectant look on Teddy’s face made Chaerin open her mouth. It took a second for her to recover use of her tongue, but finally she said, “Yeah. Of course.” She hoped he couldn’t see the lie dripping from her teeth.
Teddy smiled at her and stood there a moment longer, awkward in his baggy clothes. “Okay. Well. I’ll see you around then.” Chaerin watched him go. The moment he turned the corner, the acid reached her knees and she slumped to the ground.
Chaerin had spent the flight nervous about seeing everyone again after so long, but the news about Teddy has her heart beating double-time all the way from her apartment complex to YGE. He’s not there when she arrives, but Minji accosts her the moment she walks into the studio. “Unnie!”
“Hey, magnae.” Chaerin pats her head affectionately.
Minji pouts and pokes her in the side. “I’m 22 now, unnie,” she reminds Chaerin. “And besides, I haven’t been the magnae in two years.”
“You’ll always be magnae to me,” Chaerin tells her, then sighs heavily and pinches her cheeks. “Aigoo, my baby’s all grown up~”
“Stop it,” Minji laughs, shoving at her. “You’re so embarrassing.”
The studio door flies open and hits the outside wall with a bang, and Chaerin turns around in time to see both Bom and Jiyong racing towards her before she’s nearly knocked over by the force of their hugs. “Chaerin-ah!” Jiyong shouts in one ear, and “I missed you so much!” Bom wails in the other.
“Uh,” Chaerin says. “Hi.”
They both pull back and start chattering at her in unison, Bom cooing over her new red hair as Jiyong demands to know what Jeremy’s Fashion Week afterparty was like, because he heard stories and there’s no way all of it can be true.
Eventually the room fills up with people, Seunghyun and Gummy and Shaun and even some of the bolder trainees. Chaerin greets them all with hugs and pecks on the cheek, and it’s just starting to get loud when there’s a knock against the doorframe.
When Chaerin turns around it’s to find Teddy standing there. He looks the same as he always does, hat pulled over his hood in the most endearingly ridiculous way and jeans hanging off his scrawny hips, but there’s something different about him. Chaerin can’t put her finger on it until he smiles at her, and then all of a sudden she gets it: he looks comfortable. Even when they were dating, he’d always kept his guard up, as if dropping it would make her run in the other direction. She’s seen him break a few times, with Danny or Seungho or some of his other friends, but this is different. Chaerin’s not sure how to react.
He’s asking her how her flight was. She blinks and says, “Dunno. I slept through most of it.”
Teddy laughs. “Good, good.” And there it is again, that smile, bright and cheerful and totally devoid of the shyness she’s used to seeing on his face. There’s another pang in her chest, a little twist of her heart that makes her muscles tense up. She feels suddenly and irrationally jealous of the woman who managed to change him like this, for doing what she never could.
The mug made a loud thunk when it landed in front of Chaerin, startling her out of where she’d been half-asleep on the cafeteria table. “What-”
“Good morning,” Jiyong said cheerfully. He looked obscenely awake for a man who had been up until 4AM. “I brought you something.”
“Coffee?” Chaerin asked, reaching blearily for the mug. She took a sip and sighed happily. “You know, if your career ever tanks you could totally become a barista.”
Jiyong snorted and dropped into the seat next to her. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” Chaerin watched out of the corner of her eye as he took out his laptop and opened his latest project, filled with layers upon layers of different audio tracks.
After a moment, she asked, in a carefully nonchalant tone, “Teddy’s been working on this with you, right?”
Jiyong turned to face her specifically so he could raise an eyebrow. Clearly she hadn’t been casual enough. Dammit. “Shouldn’t you know that?”
Chaerin sighed and stared down into her mug. “We don’t talk much lately.”
“Hm.” He turned back to his computer, his knee bumping hers under the table. “Why not?”
She shrugged. “Dunno. We’re both busy, I guess.”
“You’re both used to being busy, though.” He played a short section, then frowned and changed the timing of it. “Are you sure it’s not something else?”
A few minutes passed in silence before Chaerin finally said, “I think he’s going to break up with me.”
“Ah.”
“You don’t seem surprised.”
Jiyong shrugged and sat back in his chair. “You want me to be honest?” Chaerin nodded. “The two of you...you’re too similar for it to work out.” He held up his hands when Chaerin started glaring. “I’m just saying. You’d never put him above 2NE1, right?”
“No,” Chaerin admitted. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t love him.”
“I’m not saying you don’t. But, I don’t know, I think you gotta be willing to compromise for relationships to last.”
Heat rushed to her face, and Chaerin crossed her arms over her chest to guard against the flare of pain she felt whenever she thought about this now. “I can compromise!” she argued.
“But, Chaerin-ah.” Jiyong’s voice was gentle as he put his hand on her shoulder and looked straight at her. “Do you really want to?”
Chaerin’s always been a city girl. She loves the rhythm of cities, the rapid, jerky ways people walk. She likes how everyone flows together, groups moving in unison to where they need to go. She remembers the first time she went to tokyo, how she watched in awe as the entire crowd stepped off the sidewalk only a moment before the light turned red, like clockwork. Her papa had to pull her along the streets or else she’d have spent all her time sitting and observing everything around her.
When she’d first arrived in Los Angeles, she’d filled up half a notebook in less than a week. The pace there is so different from Seoul. People move quick and smooth, like they’re in the movies being made around them. They call to one another, yell across the street and don’t care what kind of looks they get. There is no eye contact in Seoul. Everyone keeps their head down and hurries along the sidewalk. Each is inspiring to chaerin, in its own way. Her words were fearless in America, in English, loud and brash and full of emotion. In Korea, her rhymes are cleaner. She crafts them delicately instead of spitting them out, makes them light and sharp instead of thick and harsh.
This is what Chaerin thinks about in the bathroom as she washes her hands, turning choruses over in her mind. She taps her fingernail against the faucet as she turns it off, then frowns and changes the tempo, slowing it down.
“What are you doing?” Bom asks, a curious tilt to her head.
Chaerin gasps and whirls around, clutching at her heart. “Jesus, unnie.”
Bom blinks at her. “What?”
“I didn’t see you-never mind.” Chaerin shakes her head at herself and turns to get a paper towel. Bom drifts into one of the stalls behind her, humming tunelessly to herself. It’s nostalgic somehow, and suddenly Chaerin misses Seoul so much, is homesick in a way that she wasn’t in Los Angeles. It doesn’t make any sense, because she’s here, not 12 hours and 43 minutes away like she has been for the past two years, but she still wants to go out and explore, to remember the way this city breathes. She wants to get cheap ddukboki from a street vendor, to visit every tourist trap, to walk all the way up to the roof of the 63 Building and look out over the city, trying to find her apartment.
“Unnie,” she says to the pale blue door, “wanna go on a walk with me?”
“Do you think it’s my hair?” Chaerin pulled a lock out in front so she could see it, then gave a dejected sigh and let it drop back to her shoulder. “I mean, it is weird, not many people under the age of like sixty have grey hair, but it’s for our concept and it’s not like I chose it, you know?”
“Okay, firstly, it’s not grey, it’s silver,” Dara said, sucking coffee ice cream off her spoon. “Secondly, he thought Seunghyun’s hair looked fine when it was that ridiculous white, so I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have anything against the color itself. And thirdly, Teddy is not the type of person who’d get all distant because he doesn’t like the way your hair looks. Give yourself some credit, Chaerin-ah, you wouldn’t date somebody like that.”
“Maybe it’s because I wore that skirt.” Chaerin took another swig from her bottle of cheap wine. “I never wear them and it was so short and I probably looked like some kind of slut even though I was just trying to impress him. God. I’m a fucking idiot.”
Sandara rolled her eyes. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“I’m not!” Chaerin hiccuped. Then tears started forming. “Oh my god, he’s going to break up with me because I hiccup when I drink and he can’t take me anywhere because I’m so embarrassing and that’s why we haven’t been anywhere in months, and fuck I hate my diaphragm, why does it have to ruin everything!”
Dara pointed her spoon at Chaerin. “You are very intoxicated, and you’re not thinking straight. I’m going to let you finish that bottle, but then we’re going to switch to water, okay?”
Chaerin sniffled. “Okay.”
“Look, if something’s wrong between you and Teddy, the best thing for you to do is talk about it. Alcohol isn’t going to solve anything.”
“Maybe if I get him drunk we can start having sex again,” Chaerin said, hopeful.
Dara sighed and held a spoonful to Chaerin’s mouth. “Maybe.”
Chaerin’s never been that comfortable with being feminine, at least not as Korea defines it. Women like Dara fit the ideal so much better, she thinks, all big eyes and smooth skin. But she’s trying now, she is, she’s even worn a dress to Dara’s baby shower. She’s not sure it fits as well as Bom assures her it does, but she doesn’t want to be out of place. The look on Dara’s face when she walks in makes her feel better about it. “Chaerin-ah,” she practically squeals, “oh, you look gorgeous!”
“Thanks, unnie.” Chaerin hugs her and presses a kiss to her cheek. “Congratulations.”
“Okay, we’re having lunch soon, so come over here with me.” Dara drags her over to a seat and deposits her there. “Stay,” she says, pointing a stern finger. Chaerin holds up her hands and Dara, apparently satisfied, bounces off again.
“I don’t know how she has so much energy,” says the woman in the chair next to her. “When my sister was pregnant, all she ever did was complain about how tired she was.”
“She’s just always been like that,” Chaerin says, watching her fondly. “When she’s tired she just gets even more energetic. Like a toddler.”
The woman laughs. “At least she’ll be able to keep up with him once he’s been born.” She bows a little, and Chaerin automatically does the same. “I’m Jinae, by the way. You’re CL, right?”
Chaerin shakes her head. “I haven’t gone by that in two years. Just call me Chaerin.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Chaerin,” Jinae says. The subtle lines around her eyes deepen when she smiles, but somehow it just makes her even more pretty.
They chat more, about babies and weddings and all the things that normally Chaerin couldn’t care less about. It’s a little weird being so girly, but for some reason she’s actually enjoying herself. When Jinae reaches for her wineglass, something on her hand catches the light. Chaerin looks at it for a moment, then realizes-oh. Oh. “Dara, you conniving bitch,” she murmurs to herself.
“Hm?” Jinae turns to her with a smile, her head tilted slightly in curiousity. “Did you say something?”
Chaerin hesitates a moment, then smiles back. “No. I was just.... Your ring is beautiful.” She’s a little surprised at how much she means it.
“Thank you! I feel happy every time I look at it,” she confides, and Chaerin makes herself laugh along with her.
“Are things, um. Going well for you?” she asks tentatively.
Jinae nods. “He’s a wonderful man. I’m really lucky.”
“You make him happy,” Chaerin hears herself say. “I can see it in his face.”
Jinae blushes, her hand going to toy with the pendant around her neck. “Thank you. I just-to be honest, I’m really happy to hear that from you,” she confesses, and Chaerin’s heart skips a beat. “I know how much you care about him.”
Chaerin swallows against the sudden lump in her throat. “Yeah. Teddy-oppa is-”
She’s interrupted by a loud gasp. They both whirl around to see Dara standing behind them with a look of shock on her face, her dress soaked. They all stare at one another for what feels like ages, and then Dara winces and puts a hand on her belly, and the spell is broken.
“Okay,” Chaerin says. “Jinae-unnie, I need you to call Danilo-oppa and tell him his wife’s water just broke.” Jinae fumbles her phone out of her purse, and Chaerin turns to Dara. “Are you okay?” she asks, and Dara nods. “Alright then. Let’s get you to a hospital.”
Chaerin dropped onto the floor, breathing hard. “This comeback is going to be the death of me,” she gasped.
Minji turned off the stereo and gracefully sat down next to her. “Come on, unnie, it’s not that difficult of a dance. You just have to push through it.”
“Shut up, you’re like a dancing robot or something,” Chaerin muttered.
Minji laughed. “Is it really that hard? I mean, I can change some stuff if you think it is....”
“No, no, I’m just bitching.” Chaerin smiled at her. “It’s a good routine, Minji-yah. I’m glad YG let you do this.”
Minji beamed. “Me, too. He said that when I’m older and 2NE1’s over I could be a choreographer.”
Chaerin’s eyebrows shot up, and she leaned over for a hug. “That’s great!”
“It’s not guaranteed,” Minji admitted, “but if I can impress him with this then I think he’ll definitely want to do it.”
“Yeah.” Chaerin is silent for a moment, then says, “It’s weird to imagine 2NE1 not being together anymore, though.”
“Right?” Minji leaned back on her hands. “What do you think the future will be like?”
Chaerin shrugged. “Dunno. It’s hard to know what’ll happen.”
“D’you think you and Teddy-oppa will still be together?”
“I hope so,” Chaerin answered. “I’m just looking forward to a day when we aren’t so busy all the time.”
Minji laughed. “That’s never going to happen, unnie. You both like working too much.”
Chaerin swatted at her. “Brat.”
Minji pinched her thigh in retaliation. “It’s true! You’re always complaining about how you never get any time together, but you love 2NE1 too much to slow down.”
“Well, when you put it that way....” Chaerin sighed and leaned her head on Minji’s shoulder. “What about you?”
The thought stuck with her the rest of the day. What would she be doing in three years? Ten years? A few decades? How long would 2NE1 last? Would she ever get married or have children? And what about YGE?
Then the studio door opened and Teddy gave her that little shy smile of his, and Chaerin decided that it didn’t matter what the future held. Right here, right now-that was what mattered.
It seems like everyone in YGE shows up to the hospital, all of them crammed in a tiny waiting room. Minji is praying and Bom is worrying her hair between her fingertips and Chaerin is sitting between them, numb. Rationally, she knows that a baby born a month early isn’t a major health risk, and that her own mother was in labor with her for 36 hours straight, but she can’t stop the thoughts tumbling through her head about blue babies and 1% of mothers die in childbirth and please, please just let her be okay. Chaerin feels like she’s suffocating with all these people around. She has to get out.
“Excuse me,” she mutters as she works her way through the crowd. Seungho tries to catch her arm, but she shakes her head, and he lets go in understanding. When she finally gets outside, she takes a deep breath. The cold air catches on something inside her, and before she knows it, tears are streaming down her face. She leans against the brick wall and presses her face into her hands, trying not to cry too loudly.
“Hey,” says a quiet voice, and Chaerin looks up to see Teddy standing in front of her, a cigarette between his fingers. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” she lies, wiping at her face. “Just stressed, with, um. With Dara and all.” She bites her lip and looks down, trying to keep it in, and then Teddy’s cigarette drops to the ground and his foot stubs it out when he steps forward to pull her against his chest. Her arms go around his waist after a moment, and Chaerin lets herself sob into his shoulder. He strokes her hair with one hand and hums soothingly, and it just makes her cry harder. For once, there’s no detached part of her mind pointing out how out-of-character this is for the Teddy she knew and that this is probably a terrible idea; for once, Chaerin stops thinking and just feels.
There’s a ridiculous wet patch on his hoodie when she pulls back, dark with mascara, and she sniffs and rubs at it. “Sorry.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.” Chaerin knows without looking up that he’s watching her, still a little cautious. “Are you feeling better now?”
“Yeah.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. They stand there for a few minutes in silence before Chaerin says softly, “You broke my heart, you know.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” He starts to say something more, but she holds up a finger to stop him.
“But I think...it was for the best.” Chaerin pushes a lock of hair behind her ear. “Dara sat me next to Jinae at her baby shower. I really liked her.”
There’s a look of undisguised love in his eyes. “She’s wonderful.”
Chaerin smiles. “She is. You deserve her.”
Teddy blinks, then grins back. “You think so?”
Chaerin nods. “I do.” She shoves him playfully. “So don’t get all insecure and fuck it up, okay?” she tells him in English.
“I promise,” Teddy laughs. Chaerin steps forward and hugs him again, and when she feels his heart beating, something thick and twisted in her own chest gives way. He kisses the side of her head, she squeezes him around the waist, and they both pull away smiling.
“Hey!” Seungho shouts, and they both turn to see him waving at them from the doorway of the lobby. “Stop being all dramatic and come see the baby!”
They roll their eyes in unison and walk back inside together, Teddy slinging an arm around Seungho’s shoulders. Chaerin watches Jinae press a kiss to Teddy’s cheek when they’re back in the waiting room and feels so free, like she could fly.
Danilo walks into the room beaming, his eyes red and wet, and says, “Chaerin-ah, she wants to see you.”
“Is this okay?” he asked when they finally pulled apart, his stubble scratching lightly at her chin.
“Yes,” she breathed. Her heart felt like it was going to burst out of her body and do cartwheels across the floor of his studio. “It’s perfect.”
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