(no subject)
my job makes me happy and sad at the same time.
happy because i love most of the teenagers i work with. the are intelligent, articulate, wonderful beings. and i really get to know them because i am in their house every day from 11pm until 7am. sometime around 3 they usually go to sleep but until than they literally line chairs in front of the staff desk to tell me about their lives. and it feels good to know they like me because i like them too. and i feel needed because why would they bother to talk to someone whose literal job it is to scold them occasionally if i wasnt?
its hard too because its like being a parent to 20 kids who've had a really hard time. been through the foster care system for 18 years and then were dumped at our doorstep. been abused and raped by relatives and friends. hate their whole lives and see them as meaningless despite the bigger picture.
i've had people slice up their arms on my shifts and also tell me i hurt them more than their parents did because i had to enforce some rules. that means a lot of bad bullshit coming from these kids too, because a lot of their parents were terrible people that i would never want to be associated with.
i have had someone sit in front of me and cry . tell me that she really likes me and wants me to think she is good because i have had to redirect her energy and negative comments to another youth. and the fuckin thing is i *do* think shes good! i think she's fucking great and i want to give her a hug and tell her i care about her immensely, i just wish she wouldnt insinuate that other youth may as well kill themselves.
but thats just not my role. i can offer my words but not my touch. in a world so based on physical feelings this is maybe a valuable lesson.
i think about the ones who get kicked out for having weed or slacking off every day. where do they sleep? are they okay? is someone fucking with them?
it is really hard to just let it go.
i love 20 teenagers more than i can explain. its pretty rough work.
happy because i love most of the teenagers i work with. the are intelligent, articulate, wonderful beings. and i really get to know them because i am in their house every day from 11pm until 7am. sometime around 3 they usually go to sleep but until than they literally line chairs in front of the staff desk to tell me about their lives. and it feels good to know they like me because i like them too. and i feel needed because why would they bother to talk to someone whose literal job it is to scold them occasionally if i wasnt?
its hard too because its like being a parent to 20 kids who've had a really hard time. been through the foster care system for 18 years and then were dumped at our doorstep. been abused and raped by relatives and friends. hate their whole lives and see them as meaningless despite the bigger picture.
i've had people slice up their arms on my shifts and also tell me i hurt them more than their parents did because i had to enforce some rules. that means a lot of bad bullshit coming from these kids too, because a lot of their parents were terrible people that i would never want to be associated with.
i have had someone sit in front of me and cry . tell me that she really likes me and wants me to think she is good because i have had to redirect her energy and negative comments to another youth. and the fuckin thing is i *do* think shes good! i think she's fucking great and i want to give her a hug and tell her i care about her immensely, i just wish she wouldnt insinuate that other youth may as well kill themselves.
but thats just not my role. i can offer my words but not my touch. in a world so based on physical feelings this is maybe a valuable lesson.
i think about the ones who get kicked out for having weed or slacking off every day. where do they sleep? are they okay? is someone fucking with them?
it is really hard to just let it go.
i love 20 teenagers more than i can explain. its pretty rough work.