[Fic] The Pros and Cons of Daydreaming
Title: The Pros and Cons of Daydreaming
Fandom: Hikaru no go
Pairing: Akira/Hikaru
Genre: Romance (in shades of crack, angst and fluff).
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3471
Warnings: Usual series spoilers; clothes jokes.
Disclaimer: Hikaru no go is the property of Yumi Hotta and Takeshi Obata. This is a nonprofit-making fanfiction
Author Notes: Inspiration for part of this story came from a remark at www.hikarunogoworld.com on Hikaru’s multitude of teeshirts. I have also made a list of fanworks on similar themes at the end of this fic. I want to thank my diligent beta ladyseishou for helping me to shape this fic, and particularly for giving me the go slogan!
Summary: One confession leads to another…
The pros and cons of daydreaming
“An appalling insult to a noble and ancient game. Shindou, you are beyond belief.”
It would have been a reproach, the start of an argument, and Hikaru would have found a cutting retaliation within the half second, were it not… that Touya breathed the words softly, jokingly, in a smiling-almost-laughing voice as they lay wrapped around one another. Here and now, under the window, in the glow of early morning, Touya looked beautiful and peaceful, the light making his hair shine and his skin glow in the same colors as the dawn, his hand caressing Hikaru’s naked back as though this had already become the most familiar of actions.
Hikaru pulled himself up on one elbow, feeling a pleasant warmth of tiredness though his muscles as he moved. He looked down into Touya’s face and countered, softly, “You mean nothing like that ever happened to you when you were thirteen?”
“Of course not,” Touya replied with a teasing tone. “That only happens to people who repress their desires and don’t allow themselves to fantasize.” The green in Touya’s eyes glinted, dangerously. “Was it always me you were playing in your dream?”
“I wasn’t just playing you, I won every game.” Hikaru smiled defiantly. Surprisingly, Touya looked somewhat happy at that. The thought of Touya being pleased at defeat was strange, even if they were only talking about his dreams.
“Clearly, your pre-adolescent subconscious had made an important association already - even if the rest of you took a while to catch on.”
Hikaru closed his eyes for a second as he pushed away unbidden images of he and Touya as chibi-style childhood sweethearts. Romance had just seemed plain silly to him.
As he opened them he thought he saw a momentary change in Touya’s expression, like an unvoiced thought, but then Touya was grinning at him and saying, “So now I know why you were so shy of playing me back then!”
Hikaru stiffened, he didn’t want to joke about back then, but he didn’t want to ruin the mood either. He swallowed his retort, and simply said, “You know that was because of something else entirely.” He sighed. “I wish I hadn’t told you about the dreams.”
“No, but this is fascinating.” Touya pushed him gently face down on the futon, and began to work the tightened muscles of his shoulder blades with tiny circular motions of his thumbs. “So,” Touya probed again, “What did he have to say about it?” Hikaru tensed again but said nothing, Touya continued working on his back, his strong hands firm and precise, but gentle. Slowly Hikaru relaxed. “After all,” Touya went on, “He can’t very well have missed something like that if he was with you all the time. He was in your head, wouldn’t he have known?”
No…No… No… Stop, Hikaru’s thoughts insisted. How had he let them veer onto the dubious topic of Sai and sex education? Somewhat riled he replied, “He said that it was absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. It was perfectly normal for young players of my age. That it showed that I was motivated about progressing in my go.”
Hikaru felt Touya's body begin to tremble with suppressed mirth, and then he burst out laughing. Damn him. But before Hikaru could turn around to say something about it, he felt Touya’s breath close his ear. "Did he say anything about me?” he whispered. “Did he offer you any romantic advice?”
“No, of course not,” Hikaru retorted. “The dreams were about winning at go, not about you. But-” Touya paused, his hands unmoving on Hikaru’s shoulders, “It's true that after that he did lay off hinting about Akari.”
“A-ha!” Touya resumed the massage. “Perhaps Sai understood more than he was letting on.” He started to smooth his hands, one after the other, following the contour of Hikaru’s hips, from where they touched the futon up towards his spine. “Do you remember me in the dream, what was I wearing? Err, was I wearing…anything?”
“Stop, I already told you. It wasn’t like that. I told you it was about the game.”
“And the game, do you remember it?”
No…no…What did he want? Kifu? “No, I never remembered afterwards.”
“Or perhaps you didn’t feel like ‘recreating the game’ for Sai,” Touya suggested, mockingly.
That did it. Hikaru couldn’t see Touya's face from where he was laying, but he guessed Touya was enjoying his discomfort. And while he didn’t think Touya's comments were made from jealousy, he felt that Touya had gone too far. He took a deep breath.
“Give over. Can’t we talk about something else?” He’d revealed an embarrassing secret and now he was feeling terribly vulnerable.
Touya though, seemed oblivious to the effect he’d provoked and was running his hands up the length of Hikaru’s back, using just enough pressure so that Hikaru felt his skin being pushed forward like a small wave in front of Touya’s fingers. And he was doing an excellent job, because Hikaru was having difficultly staying angry. He tried another tactic, hoping Touya would stop his probing. “Hey Touya, why don’t you tell me what you used to dream about?”
What would Touya say to that? Would Touya answer him seriously? He hoped so because when his guard was down like this, Hikaru wanted nothing more than to crawl in close and discover everything that made Touya, Touya.
“Oh I never had any dreams of that sort,” Touya replied, and a door seemed to snap shut between them.
“I see." Hikaru couldn't help feeling defensive. "You were above that.”
Hikaru felt Touya give a shrug. “I mean I never repressed my desires. I always knew what I wanted.” But then his hands stilled, his fingers resting softly in the small Hikaru's back. Hikaru knew that he was thinking over something, “Life was simple," Touya said finally, his voice soft, the words even, flat.
Hikaru rolled over so he could see Touya, afraid he'd said the wrong thing and somehow upset him. But Touya was smiling, sitting over him, long legs drawn up beside him, curves of his muscles highlighted by the light and shadows of the new day. Hikaru looked deeply into Touya’s eyes, admiring the tiny black flecks in his irises, aware of the persuasive effect he could have on Touya with his own eyes. It was something he’d learned quickly since he’d had the right to look as long as he wanted.
"I'm curious," he asked quietly. "Did you ever have dreams about me then? You know, when we were teens?" and Hikaru read the answer, with some satisfaction, before Touya even said a word aloud.
“Yes.”
Hikaru couldn’t stop himself from betraying a flash of excitement. Perhaps Touya wasn’t so different from him after all, whatever he might claim.
Touya was quick to sense Hikaru's mood and frowned. “They weren’t at all erotic dreams you understand,” he added quickly. Touya shifted self-consciously, pulling away so that they were no longer touching.
“Tell me,” Hikaru prompted, sitting up but keeping his gaze fixed on Touya.
“Okay. Well you must have been an insei by then and in my dream, instead of avoiding me all the time, we were actually sitting at a goban...playing and…”
“Excuse me! When I was an insei, you were avoiding me.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is too.”
There Touya stopped and said nothing to disagree or pursue the argument. With the fingertips of his hand, he traced down Hikaru’s cheek to his chin, then from his shoulder and along his arm to reach to for his hand. Touya's hand squeezed tight around his own. “Its not important now, is it? And anyway, if the games in our dreams were better than ones we really would have played, isn’t it perhaps better that we only played together in our dreams?”
Though Hikaru thought he detected a slight hint of condescension, he couldn’t help being happy to learn that he’d somehow got under Touya’s skin enough when they were teens, enough to become part of Touya's dreams as well.
“So.” Touya squeezed his hand playfully. “In my dream, we were playing go together and you were wearing this bright yellow shirt.” As he said this, Touya put his other hand up as if to shade his eyes. “Really, a very bright yellow. Annoyingly, painfully yellow. Totally obnox…”
Hikaru interrupted him by pulling his own hand out of Touya’s loose grip to capture the hand that Touya was now waving around as if he was trying to beat off a swarm of insects. “And so?”
“I reached over and grabbed and ripped that shirt right off of you,” Touya said smirking defiantly.
“What!!” Hikaru dropped Touya’s hand and clapped his own to his forehead. “You said that your dreams weren’t erotic, and now you say that your preadolescent subconcious is resorting to violence to get me naked!!!”
“No, not at all.” Touya took a serious air, but there was still a tinge of humour under the surface of his words.
Hikaru almost laughed. “Is there an innocent reason for ripping my clothes off? Didn’t I retaliate? What did you do then?”
Touya tipped his head forward and looked down at him through the dark curtain of his hair. "I tore the shirt up into little pieces. It was very satisfying."
“And me? What was I doing all this time, sitting there, half naked, with you more interested in destroying my clothes than playing me…Or even ravishing me?” he added, sarcastically. “What happened when you’d finished ripping up my shirt?”
“That’s the funny thing. When I looked back at you, you were fully dressed again, except this time you had a green shirt, violent florescent green with a huge number 5.” He traced the figure a hair’s breadth from Hikaru’s chest, shaking his head. “A true insult to the senses.”
“Huh?”
“It had to go.”
“So you did what? You attacked me again? ”
Touya nodded. “The second shirt I simply stuffed in with the refuse as quick as I could.”
“And by the time you were done I was dressed again, is that it?”
“An abominable hooded cardigan…sacrifice by the waste disposal. But the shirts they kept coming every time I looked around. And every time the dream recurred you had even more new ghastly outfits.”
Hikaru had never credited Touya for having the slightest fashion sense before he turned eighteen, but it hadn’t occurred to him that his own taste in clothing might have appalled his rival to this extent. “How long did this go on? How many thousands of Yen of my clothes did you throw away, tear up, or otherwise annihilate. Hey, you didn’t touch my orange Puffa jacket, did you?”
“Three separate black sacks, in the river, and that horrid tank top, the one you wore at your Shin-Shoden match, I buried it.”
“No. Wait a minute. The Shin-Shoden series? Do you mean these dreams continued even once I’d turned pro?” Touya looked slightly uncomfortable. “It is over now, isn’t it? I mean, I don’t have to lock my closet in case you...?”
“Shindou, it was only a dream. And, anyway, its over. Really, in the end I just made a big gaudy heap, doused it with kerosene and set light to it.” Hikaru winced. “It could be seen for miles,” Touya said contentedly. Then his face fell slightly and he looked away a second as if wondering whether he should continue. “That was sort of good actually because by then it had stopped being a dream and started being just something I made up to please myself: imagining we were stranded on a deserted island together and signaling for help.”
“To please yourself? And what about me? I liked those clothes you know, I would have been so mad if you’d done that for real. What did I do then?” What did your imagination have me do? Hikaru wondered pensively.
“By then you really had run out of shirts, and you were sitting there with the light of the fire showing off your golden tanned skin in the deepening subtropical evening.” Touya affirmed, in a matter-of-fact tone.
What sort of fantasy was this? thought Hikaru.
Touya touched a patch of Hikaru’s shoulder where the early sun had already warmed the skin, and then went on, like someone narrating a true experience. “It didn’t matter anymore that your shirts were gone because I imagined we were on a deserted South Pacific island and it wasn’t cold, even when the fire died down. Besides…you had me to keep you warm.” Hikaru didn’t know whether to feel disturbed or intrigued. Here was Touya, confessing to have cast him as some sort of star in his teenage fantasies. “And we didn’t need to be rescued at all in the end because the island had everything we might need. Touya he kissed the shoulder he’d been touching, putting his arm around the other. “We had shells to use as go stones, sand to draw out goban, one three times normal size, because we had all the time in the world to play games that lasted weeks. There was food and fresh water; there was even a hot spring and a waterfall, and shady palm trees, cool caves, endless sandy beaches…”
This was starting to sound like a holiday destination and Hikaru was about to say so but then Touya voice changed and he said in a tone that was soft but serious, “Very importantly several things were not on our island. Your girlfriend wasn’t there for a start, or any other inconvenient realities.”
“What?” Hikaru cried. “You mean you went on with this even after the Hokuto cup?”
“Yes, for a few more years. It was a true paradise - palm trees, sunshine, a coral reef and lagoon - there were no prying eyes, no tiring expeditions to the other end of the country for conferences and demonstrations. No one else was there but us. I didn’t have to hear Waya’s cynicism, suffer those knowing looks from Ochi. I didn’t even miss friends like Ashiwara and Ich-chan. There on the island everything was possible: you and I could make love in the open air or play go all day long.”
“So, err…in your fantasy I liked you too then?” Hikaru didn’t quite manage to keep his voice even.
Touya went on without answering, drawing Hikaru’s hand to his chest with his own as he said, “Above all on that island there was no Sai, because, you know, I thought…I very selfishly wanted you for myself. I wanted you to admire my game, my go, me.”
Sai again. “There was never any call for you to be jealous of Sai.”
“I didn’t know who…what he was. And for a long time too, I didn’t know that he wasn’t around anymore.”
“How could you know?” Hikaru said. “I wish I’d told you sooner,…better.”
But Touya continued, “The life I imagined for us there was perfect. For a time the island made real life disappointments bearable. I would escape there often, just in my thoughts.” Hikaru felt his chest tighten. How was it that he had only seen Touya the go player, the rival? It was just plain weird, scary even, that Touya had kept such a secret for so long. How had he lived all that time keeping a part of himself so neatly under wraps? But, then again, hadn't Hikaru also indulged in fantasies about Touya - albeit much more recently.
Touya looked away from Hikaru, as if to look out the window, though it was more like he was just gazing into space. Then he sighed and pursued in a tiny voice, “But in the end, it seemed like I was going mad, with the difference between reality and fantasy getting wider and wider.”
Hikaru stopped him, kissing him, first on his forehead, then softly on the lips. Wasn’t all this over now? He didn’t want Touya to dwell on it. “Its not important now, is it?” Hikaru whispered. But he but saw in Touya’s expression that there was more to come, that he had to let him finish.
“Then one night I had a bad dream about the island, a horrible nightmare. In the dream, I was alone on the island, alone with the palm trees and the hot spring and waterfall and stupid giant goban. All alone with no one to play with to or live with. I think in the dream you had escaped from the island without me or it might have been that you were dead.” A cold feeling spread over Hikaru, joined by a sickening sensation of guilt. The conversation had somehow become very serious, led to something that would change the meaning of things Hikaru remembered and he had an impulse to run away from it, push it away, deny it. But at the same time he had to know everything and this was something Touya needed to tell him. Hikaru willed the dark feeling to go away. He hugged Touya, wondering which of them he was trying to reassure most.
“I realised it had only been a paradise because we were there together. Alone, it all meant nothing. It was terrifying. I understood then that I really always had been alone in this fantasy, and that all along it was a poor substitute for real love and being loved. That was when I was seventeen. So, I told myself that I went out to the island’s biggest beach, waded out into the water and just started swimming, swimming for shore, somewhere, anywhere, searching for something, for someone real.” There was almost the feeling of an apology to his words, which was absurd because Hikaru felt he should be the one apologising. “I think I had to do it, I had to grow beyond that or I would have gone crazy. I had to learn it was possible to live without that, without the hope of having you.” There was nothing bitter in Touya’s voice. Touya had kept so much inside, but what could Hikaru say, when he’d kept the truth about Sai to himself for so long? They’d both played such a closely guarded game, both of them had been such utter idiots.
Touya stared at Hikaru with such a desolate expression it made him want to cry. “And that’s why Ive been so long finding my way back, or even believing I could.” Hikaru urgently wanted to say something to make it better, make it not matter, do something to make up for all that wasted time. But, at a loss, he just held Touya close, so close that he could feel Touya's heart beating through their skin where they touched. He had to show him that, whatever else had happened, he was deeply glad they were together now.
For a long while they stayed like that in silence. Sure he’d learned something more about Touya, a lot more than he’d expected. It felt heavy and he badly wanted to feel normal again. There were still so many questions but it felt too much to handle now, too immense to add anything more. He focused on the changing light from the window, the weight of Touya’s body against his own. There would be time for all that later. There would always be time.
***
“And if, say, I went back to dressing like I used to” Hikaru suggested timidly.
“You’d look as silly as you ever did, its obvious.” He felt fingers reaching into his hair, others tracing his spine and coming to rest at his waist where they took a firm hold.
“You should let me take you clothes shopping someday.” Touya said. He smiled.
“Never,” Hikaru answered, laughing, Touya’s ridiculous suggestion filling him with relief, his touch reawakening a need to press their bodies still closer…
Touya looked back at him with a hint of admiration, all traces of sadness fading from his face. “I think you’re right,” he said with a simple nod.
But Hikaru didn’t take his words in right away. He’d already rolled Touya onto his back, pushing his advantage. “You bet I’m right, Touya. But you’d never admit it…”
And wait, what did Touya just say? When he realised what he’s just heard he started to grin with fierce delight. “Touya! Did you just say that I was right?”
“Only,” whispered Touya, “that I think for the moment, you should just stay exactly as you are.” He bent up to press his mouth firmly over Hikaru’s, and they let the issue drop as they turned their attention to the pleasures of the here and now.
***
Still, as Hikaru reflected later, he needed to be sure to hide his new “Go Players Got the Stones to Do It” tee-shirt before Touya could lay his hands on it.
FIN
Fandom bibliography
When writing this fic Im sure I was heavily influenced by all of the below and a lot more besides. If you think I should add you to this list (or you would like to be removed) please drop me a line.
A very similar setting and ambience can be found in toko’s Pillow talk.
I should probably also mention, harukami’s The sordid truth, though I don’t want to spoil it by saying why.
Hikaru and Akira make a mutual critique of one another’s styles in tristefic’s Opinions.
Clothing destruction can be enjoyed in moonythestrals’ Things that Hikaru Shindou never had to deal with before living with Touya Akira.
And in the Ojiroh Doujinshi The go world’s gem’s treasure.
A goban gets drawn in the sand in Jacob’s ladder by sutlers
And finally, ‘Touya pines; Shindo is oblivious’ is of such frequent occurrence that it was suggested by bookshop for the 2009 blind_go cliché list.
Fandom: Hikaru no go
Pairing: Akira/Hikaru
Genre: Romance (in shades of crack, angst and fluff).
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3471
Warnings: Usual series spoilers; clothes jokes.
Disclaimer: Hikaru no go is the property of Yumi Hotta and Takeshi Obata. This is a nonprofit-making fanfiction
Author Notes: Inspiration for part of this story came from a remark at www.hikarunogoworld.com on Hikaru’s multitude of teeshirts. I have also made a list of fanworks on similar themes at the end of this fic. I want to thank my diligent beta ladyseishou for helping me to shape this fic, and particularly for giving me the go slogan!
Summary: One confession leads to another…
The pros and cons of daydreaming
“An appalling insult to a noble and ancient game. Shindou, you are beyond belief.”
It would have been a reproach, the start of an argument, and Hikaru would have found a cutting retaliation within the half second, were it not… that Touya breathed the words softly, jokingly, in a smiling-almost-laughing voice as they lay wrapped around one another. Here and now, under the window, in the glow of early morning, Touya looked beautiful and peaceful, the light making his hair shine and his skin glow in the same colors as the dawn, his hand caressing Hikaru’s naked back as though this had already become the most familiar of actions.
Hikaru pulled himself up on one elbow, feeling a pleasant warmth of tiredness though his muscles as he moved. He looked down into Touya’s face and countered, softly, “You mean nothing like that ever happened to you when you were thirteen?”
“Of course not,” Touya replied with a teasing tone. “That only happens to people who repress their desires and don’t allow themselves to fantasize.” The green in Touya’s eyes glinted, dangerously. “Was it always me you were playing in your dream?”
“I wasn’t just playing you, I won every game.” Hikaru smiled defiantly. Surprisingly, Touya looked somewhat happy at that. The thought of Touya being pleased at defeat was strange, even if they were only talking about his dreams.
“Clearly, your pre-adolescent subconscious had made an important association already - even if the rest of you took a while to catch on.”
Hikaru closed his eyes for a second as he pushed away unbidden images of he and Touya as chibi-style childhood sweethearts. Romance had just seemed plain silly to him.
As he opened them he thought he saw a momentary change in Touya’s expression, like an unvoiced thought, but then Touya was grinning at him and saying, “So now I know why you were so shy of playing me back then!”
Hikaru stiffened, he didn’t want to joke about back then, but he didn’t want to ruin the mood either. He swallowed his retort, and simply said, “You know that was because of something else entirely.” He sighed. “I wish I hadn’t told you about the dreams.”
“No, but this is fascinating.” Touya pushed him gently face down on the futon, and began to work the tightened muscles of his shoulder blades with tiny circular motions of his thumbs. “So,” Touya probed again, “What did he have to say about it?” Hikaru tensed again but said nothing, Touya continued working on his back, his strong hands firm and precise, but gentle. Slowly Hikaru relaxed. “After all,” Touya went on, “He can’t very well have missed something like that if he was with you all the time. He was in your head, wouldn’t he have known?”
No…No… No… Stop, Hikaru’s thoughts insisted. How had he let them veer onto the dubious topic of Sai and sex education? Somewhat riled he replied, “He said that it was absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. It was perfectly normal for young players of my age. That it showed that I was motivated about progressing in my go.”
Hikaru felt Touya's body begin to tremble with suppressed mirth, and then he burst out laughing. Damn him. But before Hikaru could turn around to say something about it, he felt Touya’s breath close his ear. "Did he say anything about me?” he whispered. “Did he offer you any romantic advice?”
“No, of course not,” Hikaru retorted. “The dreams were about winning at go, not about you. But-” Touya paused, his hands unmoving on Hikaru’s shoulders, “It's true that after that he did lay off hinting about Akari.”
“A-ha!” Touya resumed the massage. “Perhaps Sai understood more than he was letting on.” He started to smooth his hands, one after the other, following the contour of Hikaru’s hips, from where they touched the futon up towards his spine. “Do you remember me in the dream, what was I wearing? Err, was I wearing…anything?”
“Stop, I already told you. It wasn’t like that. I told you it was about the game.”
“And the game, do you remember it?”
No…no…What did he want? Kifu? “No, I never remembered afterwards.”
“Or perhaps you didn’t feel like ‘recreating the game’ for Sai,” Touya suggested, mockingly.
That did it. Hikaru couldn’t see Touya's face from where he was laying, but he guessed Touya was enjoying his discomfort. And while he didn’t think Touya's comments were made from jealousy, he felt that Touya had gone too far. He took a deep breath.
“Give over. Can’t we talk about something else?” He’d revealed an embarrassing secret and now he was feeling terribly vulnerable.
Touya though, seemed oblivious to the effect he’d provoked and was running his hands up the length of Hikaru’s back, using just enough pressure so that Hikaru felt his skin being pushed forward like a small wave in front of Touya’s fingers. And he was doing an excellent job, because Hikaru was having difficultly staying angry. He tried another tactic, hoping Touya would stop his probing. “Hey Touya, why don’t you tell me what you used to dream about?”
What would Touya say to that? Would Touya answer him seriously? He hoped so because when his guard was down like this, Hikaru wanted nothing more than to crawl in close and discover everything that made Touya, Touya.
“Oh I never had any dreams of that sort,” Touya replied, and a door seemed to snap shut between them.
“I see." Hikaru couldn't help feeling defensive. "You were above that.”
Hikaru felt Touya give a shrug. “I mean I never repressed my desires. I always knew what I wanted.” But then his hands stilled, his fingers resting softly in the small Hikaru's back. Hikaru knew that he was thinking over something, “Life was simple," Touya said finally, his voice soft, the words even, flat.
Hikaru rolled over so he could see Touya, afraid he'd said the wrong thing and somehow upset him. But Touya was smiling, sitting over him, long legs drawn up beside him, curves of his muscles highlighted by the light and shadows of the new day. Hikaru looked deeply into Touya’s eyes, admiring the tiny black flecks in his irises, aware of the persuasive effect he could have on Touya with his own eyes. It was something he’d learned quickly since he’d had the right to look as long as he wanted.
"I'm curious," he asked quietly. "Did you ever have dreams about me then? You know, when we were teens?" and Hikaru read the answer, with some satisfaction, before Touya even said a word aloud.
“Yes.”
Hikaru couldn’t stop himself from betraying a flash of excitement. Perhaps Touya wasn’t so different from him after all, whatever he might claim.
Touya was quick to sense Hikaru's mood and frowned. “They weren’t at all erotic dreams you understand,” he added quickly. Touya shifted self-consciously, pulling away so that they were no longer touching.
“Tell me,” Hikaru prompted, sitting up but keeping his gaze fixed on Touya.
“Okay. Well you must have been an insei by then and in my dream, instead of avoiding me all the time, we were actually sitting at a goban...playing and…”
“Excuse me! When I was an insei, you were avoiding me.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is too.”
There Touya stopped and said nothing to disagree or pursue the argument. With the fingertips of his hand, he traced down Hikaru’s cheek to his chin, then from his shoulder and along his arm to reach to for his hand. Touya's hand squeezed tight around his own. “Its not important now, is it? And anyway, if the games in our dreams were better than ones we really would have played, isn’t it perhaps better that we only played together in our dreams?”
Though Hikaru thought he detected a slight hint of condescension, he couldn’t help being happy to learn that he’d somehow got under Touya’s skin enough when they were teens, enough to become part of Touya's dreams as well.
“So.” Touya squeezed his hand playfully. “In my dream, we were playing go together and you were wearing this bright yellow shirt.” As he said this, Touya put his other hand up as if to shade his eyes. “Really, a very bright yellow. Annoyingly, painfully yellow. Totally obnox…”
Hikaru interrupted him by pulling his own hand out of Touya’s loose grip to capture the hand that Touya was now waving around as if he was trying to beat off a swarm of insects. “And so?”
“I reached over and grabbed and ripped that shirt right off of you,” Touya said smirking defiantly.
“What!!” Hikaru dropped Touya’s hand and clapped his own to his forehead. “You said that your dreams weren’t erotic, and now you say that your preadolescent subconcious is resorting to violence to get me naked!!!”
“No, not at all.” Touya took a serious air, but there was still a tinge of humour under the surface of his words.
Hikaru almost laughed. “Is there an innocent reason for ripping my clothes off? Didn’t I retaliate? What did you do then?”
Touya tipped his head forward and looked down at him through the dark curtain of his hair. "I tore the shirt up into little pieces. It was very satisfying."
“And me? What was I doing all this time, sitting there, half naked, with you more interested in destroying my clothes than playing me…Or even ravishing me?” he added, sarcastically. “What happened when you’d finished ripping up my shirt?”
“That’s the funny thing. When I looked back at you, you were fully dressed again, except this time you had a green shirt, violent florescent green with a huge number 5.” He traced the figure a hair’s breadth from Hikaru’s chest, shaking his head. “A true insult to the senses.”
“Huh?”
“It had to go.”
“So you did what? You attacked me again? ”
Touya nodded. “The second shirt I simply stuffed in with the refuse as quick as I could.”
“And by the time you were done I was dressed again, is that it?”
“An abominable hooded cardigan…sacrifice by the waste disposal. But the shirts they kept coming every time I looked around. And every time the dream recurred you had even more new ghastly outfits.”
Hikaru had never credited Touya for having the slightest fashion sense before he turned eighteen, but it hadn’t occurred to him that his own taste in clothing might have appalled his rival to this extent. “How long did this go on? How many thousands of Yen of my clothes did you throw away, tear up, or otherwise annihilate. Hey, you didn’t touch my orange Puffa jacket, did you?”
“Three separate black sacks, in the river, and that horrid tank top, the one you wore at your Shin-Shoden match, I buried it.”
“No. Wait a minute. The Shin-Shoden series? Do you mean these dreams continued even once I’d turned pro?” Touya looked slightly uncomfortable. “It is over now, isn’t it? I mean, I don’t have to lock my closet in case you...?”
“Shindou, it was only a dream. And, anyway, its over. Really, in the end I just made a big gaudy heap, doused it with kerosene and set light to it.” Hikaru winced. “It could be seen for miles,” Touya said contentedly. Then his face fell slightly and he looked away a second as if wondering whether he should continue. “That was sort of good actually because by then it had stopped being a dream and started being just something I made up to please myself: imagining we were stranded on a deserted island together and signaling for help.”
“To please yourself? And what about me? I liked those clothes you know, I would have been so mad if you’d done that for real. What did I do then?” What did your imagination have me do? Hikaru wondered pensively.
“By then you really had run out of shirts, and you were sitting there with the light of the fire showing off your golden tanned skin in the deepening subtropical evening.” Touya affirmed, in a matter-of-fact tone.
What sort of fantasy was this? thought Hikaru.
Touya touched a patch of Hikaru’s shoulder where the early sun had already warmed the skin, and then went on, like someone narrating a true experience. “It didn’t matter anymore that your shirts were gone because I imagined we were on a deserted South Pacific island and it wasn’t cold, even when the fire died down. Besides…you had me to keep you warm.” Hikaru didn’t know whether to feel disturbed or intrigued. Here was Touya, confessing to have cast him as some sort of star in his teenage fantasies. “And we didn’t need to be rescued at all in the end because the island had everything we might need. Touya he kissed the shoulder he’d been touching, putting his arm around the other. “We had shells to use as go stones, sand to draw out goban, one three times normal size, because we had all the time in the world to play games that lasted weeks. There was food and fresh water; there was even a hot spring and a waterfall, and shady palm trees, cool caves, endless sandy beaches…”
This was starting to sound like a holiday destination and Hikaru was about to say so but then Touya voice changed and he said in a tone that was soft but serious, “Very importantly several things were not on our island. Your girlfriend wasn’t there for a start, or any other inconvenient realities.”
“What?” Hikaru cried. “You mean you went on with this even after the Hokuto cup?”
“Yes, for a few more years. It was a true paradise - palm trees, sunshine, a coral reef and lagoon - there were no prying eyes, no tiring expeditions to the other end of the country for conferences and demonstrations. No one else was there but us. I didn’t have to hear Waya’s cynicism, suffer those knowing looks from Ochi. I didn’t even miss friends like Ashiwara and Ich-chan. There on the island everything was possible: you and I could make love in the open air or play go all day long.”
“So, err…in your fantasy I liked you too then?” Hikaru didn’t quite manage to keep his voice even.
Touya went on without answering, drawing Hikaru’s hand to his chest with his own as he said, “Above all on that island there was no Sai, because, you know, I thought…I very selfishly wanted you for myself. I wanted you to admire my game, my go, me.”
Sai again. “There was never any call for you to be jealous of Sai.”
“I didn’t know who…what he was. And for a long time too, I didn’t know that he wasn’t around anymore.”
“How could you know?” Hikaru said. “I wish I’d told you sooner,…better.”
But Touya continued, “The life I imagined for us there was perfect. For a time the island made real life disappointments bearable. I would escape there often, just in my thoughts.” Hikaru felt his chest tighten. How was it that he had only seen Touya the go player, the rival? It was just plain weird, scary even, that Touya had kept such a secret for so long. How had he lived all that time keeping a part of himself so neatly under wraps? But, then again, hadn't Hikaru also indulged in fantasies about Touya - albeit much more recently.
Touya looked away from Hikaru, as if to look out the window, though it was more like he was just gazing into space. Then he sighed and pursued in a tiny voice, “But in the end, it seemed like I was going mad, with the difference between reality and fantasy getting wider and wider.”
Hikaru stopped him, kissing him, first on his forehead, then softly on the lips. Wasn’t all this over now? He didn’t want Touya to dwell on it. “Its not important now, is it?” Hikaru whispered. But he but saw in Touya’s expression that there was more to come, that he had to let him finish.
“Then one night I had a bad dream about the island, a horrible nightmare. In the dream, I was alone on the island, alone with the palm trees and the hot spring and waterfall and stupid giant goban. All alone with no one to play with to or live with. I think in the dream you had escaped from the island without me or it might have been that you were dead.” A cold feeling spread over Hikaru, joined by a sickening sensation of guilt. The conversation had somehow become very serious, led to something that would change the meaning of things Hikaru remembered and he had an impulse to run away from it, push it away, deny it. But at the same time he had to know everything and this was something Touya needed to tell him. Hikaru willed the dark feeling to go away. He hugged Touya, wondering which of them he was trying to reassure most.
“I realised it had only been a paradise because we were there together. Alone, it all meant nothing. It was terrifying. I understood then that I really always had been alone in this fantasy, and that all along it was a poor substitute for real love and being loved. That was when I was seventeen. So, I told myself that I went out to the island’s biggest beach, waded out into the water and just started swimming, swimming for shore, somewhere, anywhere, searching for something, for someone real.” There was almost the feeling of an apology to his words, which was absurd because Hikaru felt he should be the one apologising. “I think I had to do it, I had to grow beyond that or I would have gone crazy. I had to learn it was possible to live without that, without the hope of having you.” There was nothing bitter in Touya’s voice. Touya had kept so much inside, but what could Hikaru say, when he’d kept the truth about Sai to himself for so long? They’d both played such a closely guarded game, both of them had been such utter idiots.
Touya stared at Hikaru with such a desolate expression it made him want to cry. “And that’s why Ive been so long finding my way back, or even believing I could.” Hikaru urgently wanted to say something to make it better, make it not matter, do something to make up for all that wasted time. But, at a loss, he just held Touya close, so close that he could feel Touya's heart beating through their skin where they touched. He had to show him that, whatever else had happened, he was deeply glad they were together now.
For a long while they stayed like that in silence. Sure he’d learned something more about Touya, a lot more than he’d expected. It felt heavy and he badly wanted to feel normal again. There were still so many questions but it felt too much to handle now, too immense to add anything more. He focused on the changing light from the window, the weight of Touya’s body against his own. There would be time for all that later. There would always be time.
***
“And if, say, I went back to dressing like I used to” Hikaru suggested timidly.
“You’d look as silly as you ever did, its obvious.” He felt fingers reaching into his hair, others tracing his spine and coming to rest at his waist where they took a firm hold.
“You should let me take you clothes shopping someday.” Touya said. He smiled.
“Never,” Hikaru answered, laughing, Touya’s ridiculous suggestion filling him with relief, his touch reawakening a need to press their bodies still closer…
Touya looked back at him with a hint of admiration, all traces of sadness fading from his face. “I think you’re right,” he said with a simple nod.
But Hikaru didn’t take his words in right away. He’d already rolled Touya onto his back, pushing his advantage. “You bet I’m right, Touya. But you’d never admit it…”
And wait, what did Touya just say? When he realised what he’s just heard he started to grin with fierce delight. “Touya! Did you just say that I was right?”
“Only,” whispered Touya, “that I think for the moment, you should just stay exactly as you are.” He bent up to press his mouth firmly over Hikaru’s, and they let the issue drop as they turned their attention to the pleasures of the here and now.
***
Still, as Hikaru reflected later, he needed to be sure to hide his new “Go Players Got the Stones to Do It” tee-shirt before Touya could lay his hands on it.
FIN
Fandom bibliography
When writing this fic Im sure I was heavily influenced by all of the below and a lot more besides. If you think I should add you to this list (or you would like to be removed) please drop me a line.
A very similar setting and ambience can be found in toko’s Pillow talk.
I should probably also mention, harukami’s The sordid truth, though I don’t want to spoil it by saying why.
Hikaru and Akira make a mutual critique of one another’s styles in tristefic’s Opinions.
Clothing destruction can be enjoyed in moonythestrals’ Things that Hikaru Shindou never had to deal with before living with Touya Akira.
And in the Ojiroh Doujinshi The go world’s gem’s treasure.
A goban gets drawn in the sand in Jacob’s ladder by sutlers
And finally, ‘Touya pines; Shindo is oblivious’ is of such frequent occurrence that it was suggested by bookshop for the 2009 blind_go cliché list.