BF Week 2: Lazy river
The writing prompt had thrown the girl for a loop. She sat, hands hovering over the keyboard as if waiting for the inspiration to zip from her brain, down her arms, and out of her fingers. Each night she sat like this as that single, confounding word swam between her ears looking for an idea to wash up on. But such a shore was never found
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General comments:
-I like the way you've sort of put yourself in the story, but beware, as this sort of writing (after awhile) just becomes a "how clever, now, moving on" sort of thing.
-The first two paragraphs are very different in feel to the third paragraph; it is very jarring.
Detailed comments:
She sat, hands hovering over the keyboard as if waiting for the inspiration to zip from her brain, down her arms, and out of her fingers.
-Here I'd put a comma before "as"; it feels like the whole thing runs together. Also, consider changing the "out of her fingers"--I imagine a hole opening at each finger and something flow out. Maybe describe the inspiration flowing into something instead.
Each night she sat like this as that single, confounding word swam between her ears looking for an idea to wash up on.
-The first part of the sentence is a bit awkward--"like this as that". Try cutting "like this" or replacing "that" with "a".
-You're missing a comma after "ears".
The word continued to float along the lazy river of the girl's mind in its perpetual, clumsy search for a life outside itself
-I really like the "perpetual, clumsy search" part.
Its fingers and toes were pruned, and its inner-tube sprung a slow leak that whined as it wound through the girl's consciousness.
-OK, this is a very confusing. You talked about "fingers and toes" (animal traits, extremities) and then "pruning" (something normally not attached to animal extremities), but that part's okay. The second part, about the "inner-tube", makes me think of bicycle tires--something completely removed from what you have in the first part of the metaphor. It makes no sense. Consider cutting either the first part or the second part. I think leaks hiss, instead of whine? But perhaps I'm wrong there.
Suddenly feeling a headache coming on, the girl decided to go to bed.
-The metaphor-heavy paragraphs before this one make this one stand out. As well, the "the girl decided to go to bed" grates on me--perhaps because it reminds me of "Jane did this. Roy did that" storytelling. I don't know. Consider revising or, especially, expanding the last paragraph.
Very succinct story (and oh God only too true)--good luck this week! (Feel free to comment/PM me if you have questions or comments.)
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