Brigits Flame All Stars Entry - "Countdown"
Pushing the ale aside, she called out for hot water and pulled a satchel of herbs from her traveling pack, cursing to herself and the lean days that had brought her here. She tossed a black handful of her hair out of her face irritably. She'd never worked for so little-- especially with a wretched job like this.
The water came finally. Without ( Read more... )
The water came finally. Without ( Read more... )
I could be wrong on this, but I’m fairly certain there needs to be a space on either side of the hyphen.
[Stone archways and pillars stood in decay among crippled stone houses and mansions.]
Last time picking this out, but just be mindful there’s still a bit of repetition in the parts following this one.
[Spanning the width of the city, anchored on walls, stalagmites and buildings, was a tremendous web.]
I LOVE this entire paragraph!
[With no other option, she stepped forward, walking down a stone staircase into the dead city.]
The way you’re building tension and describing this world is unbelievably good. I think this is my favorite piece from you so far.
[In time, her march of death ended, and she reached the center of the city.]
I don’t think the comma after “ended” is needed.
[There, hanging in the center of the city, she saw a long, black, body swaying back and forth.]
Two small things here. First, the comma after “black” isn’t really needed. Second, I think the “swaying back and forth” description is a little too similar to the pendulum one you used just before this. See if there’s any way to vary this up a bit.
[It was entirely naked, and its long, flaccid penis dangled dead and obscene from its body.]
Okay, again the description here was just fantastic. It was suitably disgusting and disturbing. Amazingly well done!
[Lukado howled with pain and slumped to the earth.]
The paragraph this is part of is really, really long. I think this part here would be a good break point, just so all the action isn’t lost.
[Lukado, with laughing eyes once more, was draped, naked, in her bed.]
There are a LOT of commas in here, and as a result it creates a choppy feeling. See if this can be edited around to get rid of a couple.
[“…I never asked for money from you, I simply didn't refuse it when you offered."
Single space after the comma. Also, I think the comma might actually work better as a semicolon.
[Taking their glasses of wine, the slipped into bed.]
I think “the” should be “they”.
Overall Impressions:
This was SUCH good fun to read! It was sexy, humorous, suspenseful, action filled … you hit all the major markers of a great story. I loved the use of description throughout this, and the characters were extremely enjoyable.
I think my main critiquing with this piece was the repetition. There were several times where the phrasing was either very similar to something that was used before or else the character names were repeated a few too many times.
Other than that, I have nothing for you. Thanks for writing this - it was a wonderful read!
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