Feb 22, 2004 16:27
I have been so horribly sick for the past week. Last night I woke up late in the night with one of the most painful hard coughing fits that lasted for nearly an hour of constant brain popping weezing and coughing. I finally fell asleep after drowing my asophigus with cloriceptic spray. This annoys me to peices since I was all primed to go apply at the places around my house for work. I can finally start working now, but I need to have some degree of health before I can step out and try to make a small impression. It's been a dificult week emotionaly and physically for me. It's come down to losing the only friends that I held dear, which was just horrible since I really thought I had found my place. I really thought that I had found people that were different and would stick with me for a lifetime, but as the song goes real friends are hard to find, just when you least expect it they will turn their backs on you. Okay, i'm paraphrasing, but there is a song that goes a lot like that. Last night I expressed my woes to Teddy, and he was confused at their suddun change of heart. Fact of the matter is, their reasoning is totally understandable, but it's the same excuse over and over again. I'm really going to make a change this time, but low, I have to do it without support of other chicks. It just hurts that I was planning the begining of my life with these people, but it ended up being a fluke. Maybe it's for the better. I'll have money saved, and perhaps i'll just go to school seeing as how I could possibly get a lot of grants from the government being a daughter of the revolution, and comming from a shit poor family. I really wanted to leave the house, and I don't see staying here as an option. It's just going to be a hell of a lot more difficult on my own. It just hurt so badly to see people I love throw me aside again and again. The depths of depression i've felt over the past week has been excrusiating, but I'm glad it has been settled now, and my hopes broken early on. I still have time to plan otherwise. I just wish I had known where their loyalties had laid before I had put so much dedication into them. I would have gone to the ends of the world, and back for them. I even had been planning an ocean trip for my friends birthday. I guess this just goes to show that things don't change. I learned you can't put hopes in anyone, ever. You can only expect the best from yourself. I fucked up. Now I have to pay for it, all alone. Life goes on, shit sucks hardcore, but it goes on. I learned a valuable life lesson, again. The same lesson i've had to learn over and over again. Don't trust anyone, no matter how much you love them.