Being trans and body image issues
Wow, looky me! Two entries in one day! I can't remember the last time I did that. My mind must be going. Anyway, I wanted to discuss something I mentioned in the previous entry that I thought would be off-topic If I elaborated on it there.
Body image issues.
Allow me to preface the following with the fact that I must stress these are my own issues. These issues many of you will never experience in your transition, but some may. This one is for you.
One of the most important things I've learned (but have yet to apply) is to learn how to temper your body image early. Set realistic, initial goals and find a way to remind yourself of them--a blog you revisit maybe? The fact of the matter is, genetically we were born male. This means we will ALWAYS have to deal with the effects of at least (for the few lucky ones) a short but significant time on T. At 5'7, my delicate male stature would often elicit jokes from well-meaning (and not so well-meaning) friends. Post transition and more than three years on E, "delicate" would hardly describe my female physique.
I am a proud, robust woman!
Okay--I use the word 'robust'...and 'proud' for that matter, VERY loosely. Either way, I am by no stretch of the imagination a small girl. Proportionately, by the quantifiable measurement, I'm too wide in the shoulder area and too narrow in the hips--a fact not easily forgotten, in my mind anyway. Trust me...that little morsel churns itself in my head over and over and over and over and over and over again.
Sometimes I feel like I should tuck my body in tight and start mowing through crowds in the mall, shoulder first. And when I reach my destination, throw my purse on the floor and raise both arms in a silly, monkey-like victory dance--while grunting.
What? I feel like that.
Do I hate my body? Of course not, I loath it. A fact few actually know. Okay--two, and now my LiveJournal friends--you. I smile when you see me. I giggle and say thank you when I get complimented. I chuckle when the girls in my trans support meeting tell me how 'easy' transition must've been for me (apparently, difficulty of transition negatively correlates to the subjective rating of 'passing.' Yeah--don't you just love that word?)
Here's the kicker though, and I say this to illustrate a point not to repeat words I believe have little meaning anyway. People tell me I look good, hawt even. I've even heard "sexy." But I don't feel any better in my head about this body o' mine. I think, "well thanks for the complment, but I have eyes you know. I see otherwise." Why? Simple, I've lost focus on my initial goal.
All I ever wanted pre-transition was to be able to walk through the mall and not be pointed and laughed at. I have that, but somewhere along the line I set the bar higher, as I always do, in a attempt to reach a new (better?) goal. It's an easy trap to fall into since transition, in itself, is a series of goals. The effect? I've developed an insatiable appetite for traditional beauty. A fact I am NOT proud of.
It took three years HRT, two years full time, and a year and a half of emotional torment to develop and come to terms with. Amazingly (okay, maybe not so amazingly), it took someone else early in her transition to help me realize it. I need to give Meghan a name because you'll probably hear about her a lot. She does this weird thing where I feel like I should disguise her name. Ummmm...menghan...ghamen...LoL--that sounds like gay men. LoL I'm just going to call her Megahn. =)
Anyway, to hear her share her goals with me--it helps ground me. As simple and attainable as they are, it sometimes takes being reminded of these goals that I'm already here! No! I've past those simple little goals! An achievement I NEVER thought possible! And here I am...trying to be just a little more perfect.
I should be ashamed of myself--and I am. I see a new level of appreciation on my horizon...
Learn to temper your expectations of beauty--I've wasted too much time suffering when I could've been appreciating what I've already obtained.
I have to keep reminding myself that the key to my happiness is wanting what I have, not having what I want.
Body image issues.
Allow me to preface the following with the fact that I must stress these are my own issues. These issues many of you will never experience in your transition, but some may. This one is for you.
One of the most important things I've learned (but have yet to apply) is to learn how to temper your body image early. Set realistic, initial goals and find a way to remind yourself of them--a blog you revisit maybe? The fact of the matter is, genetically we were born male. This means we will ALWAYS have to deal with the effects of at least (for the few lucky ones) a short but significant time on T. At 5'7, my delicate male stature would often elicit jokes from well-meaning (and not so well-meaning) friends. Post transition and more than three years on E, "delicate" would hardly describe my female physique.
I am a proud, robust woman!
Okay--I use the word 'robust'...and 'proud' for that matter, VERY loosely. Either way, I am by no stretch of the imagination a small girl. Proportionately, by the quantifiable measurement, I'm too wide in the shoulder area and too narrow in the hips--a fact not easily forgotten, in my mind anyway. Trust me...that little morsel churns itself in my head over and over and over and over and over and over again.
Sometimes I feel like I should tuck my body in tight and start mowing through crowds in the mall, shoulder first. And when I reach my destination, throw my purse on the floor and raise both arms in a silly, monkey-like victory dance--while grunting.
What? I feel like that.
Do I hate my body? Of course not, I loath it. A fact few actually know. Okay--two, and now my LiveJournal friends--you. I smile when you see me. I giggle and say thank you when I get complimented. I chuckle when the girls in my trans support meeting tell me how 'easy' transition must've been for me (apparently, difficulty of transition negatively correlates to the subjective rating of 'passing.' Yeah--don't you just love that word?)
Here's the kicker though, and I say this to illustrate a point not to repeat words I believe have little meaning anyway. People tell me I look good, hawt even. I've even heard "sexy." But I don't feel any better in my head about this body o' mine. I think, "well thanks for the complment, but I have eyes you know. I see otherwise." Why? Simple, I've lost focus on my initial goal.
All I ever wanted pre-transition was to be able to walk through the mall and not be pointed and laughed at. I have that, but somewhere along the line I set the bar higher, as I always do, in a attempt to reach a new (better?) goal. It's an easy trap to fall into since transition, in itself, is a series of goals. The effect? I've developed an insatiable appetite for traditional beauty. A fact I am NOT proud of.
It took three years HRT, two years full time, and a year and a half of emotional torment to develop and come to terms with. Amazingly (okay, maybe not so amazingly), it took someone else early in her transition to help me realize it. I need to give Meghan a name because you'll probably hear about her a lot. She does this weird thing where I feel like I should disguise her name. Ummmm...menghan...ghamen...LoL--that sounds like gay men. LoL I'm just going to call her Megahn. =)
Anyway, to hear her share her goals with me--it helps ground me. As simple and attainable as they are, it sometimes takes being reminded of these goals that I'm already here! No! I've past those simple little goals! An achievement I NEVER thought possible! And here I am...trying to be just a little more perfect.
I should be ashamed of myself--and I am. I see a new level of appreciation on my horizon...
Learn to temper your expectations of beauty--I've wasted too much time suffering when I could've been appreciating what I've already obtained.
I have to keep reminding myself that the key to my happiness is wanting what I have, not having what I want.