Tiddlywinks
I sit here alone, thinking of what? How I'm alone with a swath thru my throat. Trust would the sexiest thing, but am I too far gone to extricate this?
God how things have changed since that last little entry, way back in June. And how things have changed since last November. Why, this time last year, I was in Chicago working at Gap, an emotional mess from the breakup with Adam, and only vaguely pondering a semester in Halifax. Flash forward to this November which finds me an emotional mess over another guy, in Chicago working at Gap, and looking forward to graduating in May while applying for an award for artistic merit and to grad skoo. Next November might go like this: living in New York, possibly with the guy, but certainly there, going to NYU for MFA in Studio Art, working, and yeah. Things change so fast, don't they? But for now all I can focus on is Sam.
I have GOT to snap out of it. In no way is it harming my academics, which if it did would be toxic for me. And in no way is it harming my friendships. But it does take up more of my time than I care to mention and I am always thinking about my Sam. Sam sam sam sam sam. I just hope I'm not nagging the poor guy to death. I hope he knows it's because I really do love him.
For the first time, this feeling is as pure as I (as in me, JHV) can possibly get it to be. I caught myself slipping into previous trends like with Adam and other guys, several times, and I caught myself and said, "No. You better treat this boy right." It feels good. I just hope I don't end up looking like a fool in the end. Because this is how I'd want someone to feel about me, and to treat me. At least I can say I had good intentions. But what guy would dump you because you're too good to them? You'd be surprised.
So at this juncture in my life, I probably don't even have time to write about it all. But I should. I know this is healthy for me, and I'm feeling the healthiest I've ever been. Regarding the Sam stuff... maybe it's for the best that he's far away. I can't imagine feeling this strongly about a guy who's local. I wouldn't have any time for him and if I did, my other work would suffer, probably horribly. I know realistically I don't have time for a relationship right now. But after graduation, sure, I'd love to give this some real time and effort and see how good it could be. I hate sleeping by myself, especially when I know what a good snuggler my little Sam is.
So, it's one of those things that looks all insurmountable, etc., but I know when I start I'll make tremendous headway quickly. I just need to paint it all out. Write it all out. The semester is practically over in two weeks. It has gone by SO FAST. I can't believe I only have one semester left. I am set up to graduate with honors in May, and with a lot of connections and friendships I would not have had otherwise. My resume should be exploding by that time. I just applied for an internship, and my grad application should be nice and solid in about 6 more weeks. I will seek much help from many sources. But I know this winter is going to be terribly lonely.
Winter truly is my favorite season. I find it beautiful in a way unmatched by the showmanship of fall and spring and the obnoxious verdant summer. No, winter owns my affections with a quiet power, and I'd like to think of myself like that. For all my expended energy, I would like to be remembered as having a quiet, calm power and a deep heart. I think I'm destined to feel everything 20 zillion times more than other people. Surely I pursue life more than any lover: open, reverent, fearful. It's why I'm not trying to rationalize not moving in with Sam too soon (if he'd even want to) or the logistics of moving back to New York. Fuck it. I don't think I'm causing any problems (I only see good things happening) and nothing's irreversible. This can be harm-free.
But whatever. I don't need empty approvals. And if someone doesn't want to talk to me, forget it. There will always be more.
Anyway, on to more work. Hopefully I'll write more soon. No witticisms, no quips, just an update on the emotions surrounding life. Like I said: I have GOT to snap out of it.
-H.
God how things have changed since that last little entry, way back in June. And how things have changed since last November. Why, this time last year, I was in Chicago working at Gap, an emotional mess from the breakup with Adam, and only vaguely pondering a semester in Halifax. Flash forward to this November which finds me an emotional mess over another guy, in Chicago working at Gap, and looking forward to graduating in May while applying for an award for artistic merit and to grad skoo. Next November might go like this: living in New York, possibly with the guy, but certainly there, going to NYU for MFA in Studio Art, working, and yeah. Things change so fast, don't they? But for now all I can focus on is Sam.
I have GOT to snap out of it. In no way is it harming my academics, which if it did would be toxic for me. And in no way is it harming my friendships. But it does take up more of my time than I care to mention and I am always thinking about my Sam. Sam sam sam sam sam. I just hope I'm not nagging the poor guy to death. I hope he knows it's because I really do love him.
For the first time, this feeling is as pure as I (as in me, JHV) can possibly get it to be. I caught myself slipping into previous trends like with Adam and other guys, several times, and I caught myself and said, "No. You better treat this boy right." It feels good. I just hope I don't end up looking like a fool in the end. Because this is how I'd want someone to feel about me, and to treat me. At least I can say I had good intentions. But what guy would dump you because you're too good to them? You'd be surprised.
So at this juncture in my life, I probably don't even have time to write about it all. But I should. I know this is healthy for me, and I'm feeling the healthiest I've ever been. Regarding the Sam stuff... maybe it's for the best that he's far away. I can't imagine feeling this strongly about a guy who's local. I wouldn't have any time for him and if I did, my other work would suffer, probably horribly. I know realistically I don't have time for a relationship right now. But after graduation, sure, I'd love to give this some real time and effort and see how good it could be. I hate sleeping by myself, especially when I know what a good snuggler my little Sam is.
So, it's one of those things that looks all insurmountable, etc., but I know when I start I'll make tremendous headway quickly. I just need to paint it all out. Write it all out. The semester is practically over in two weeks. It has gone by SO FAST. I can't believe I only have one semester left. I am set up to graduate with honors in May, and with a lot of connections and friendships I would not have had otherwise. My resume should be exploding by that time. I just applied for an internship, and my grad application should be nice and solid in about 6 more weeks. I will seek much help from many sources. But I know this winter is going to be terribly lonely.
Winter truly is my favorite season. I find it beautiful in a way unmatched by the showmanship of fall and spring and the obnoxious verdant summer. No, winter owns my affections with a quiet power, and I'd like to think of myself like that. For all my expended energy, I would like to be remembered as having a quiet, calm power and a deep heart. I think I'm destined to feel everything 20 zillion times more than other people. Surely I pursue life more than any lover: open, reverent, fearful. It's why I'm not trying to rationalize not moving in with Sam too soon (if he'd even want to) or the logistics of moving back to New York. Fuck it. I don't think I'm causing any problems (I only see good things happening) and nothing's irreversible. This can be harm-free.
But whatever. I don't need empty approvals. And if someone doesn't want to talk to me, forget it. There will always be more.
Anyway, on to more work. Hopefully I'll write more soon. No witticisms, no quips, just an update on the emotions surrounding life. Like I said: I have GOT to snap out of it.
-H.