New Favourite Colour
It's been awhile. 15 weeks LJ told me. Doesn't sound like much, but it's a whole summer and so much can happen in such a small span of time. I'll try to do a quick recap.
Most of May was spent being mind-fucked by Mark. This was compounded by the end of the semester, and trying to get all my final projects done, as well as find a new apartment. I had to lead some people on, let others down, and be a bad friend for a few weeks during this time. I don't want to be in this many conflicting interpersonal situations at one time ever again, if I can at all help it cuz it was like a Shakespeare play... in a bad way. Add to this the pressure of finals, and you have a recipe for mania. I swear I was a little off my rocker for a few days there. But I got all As, so it wasn't for naught.
Toward the end of this month, I met a boy named Adam.
June was crazy. I moved to the north side, started an internship, started summer school, worked at a new job, and started getting serious about Adam. All of these things came with a set of expectations both by myself and the other parties, and they weren't, for the most part, mutually congruent. The internship expected more than I thought would be needed, so did summer school. Then the relationship with Adam started getting serious and we went thru some real drama before we started to be good for one another. The job was OK at first, but right around the end of this month, started to royally suck.
July was hellish. The shit hit the fan with me and Adam for a few days, during which we broke up and I was the poor, miserable bastard who couldn't get out of bed and moped around all day. The job was reaching the apex of its suckiness, and I put off doing a lot of work for summer school until the last second, which ended up stressing me out. This was the first half of the month.
By the end, Adam and I had mostly resolved the bulk of our toxic issues, I quit the job, and pulled it together to put some work into school and came out of it with an A. I chilled out the last few days of this month and did NOTHING.
The first day of August, I went to New York for a few days which totally rejuvenated me and gave me the break I'd been needing and some time away from the things I asked for which had started to pin me down. Now happily unemployed and with summer school over, I took a break from the internship and gave myself a few days to reflect on everything that had been happening. New York was great as always, and I really started to miss Adam. When I came back, I found he was still there for me.
The past few weeks have been really good. I'm looking forward to school few more, it's my birthday next week, and I've been spending a ridiculous amount of time with Adam. But when school starts and I find a job, this joyride slow down and I'll have to buckle down and focus. So that's been my Summer 2008. There have been so many feelings. So many. I must've felt every emotion possible these past coupla months.
For a second there, I was really overwhelmed and stressed and maybe even a little depressed. Everything worked out, as things tend to do, and what I'm left with is more than I ever wanted. I'm working on being thankful for everything, and I'm mostly succeeding. Being thankful is a huge first step in bringing positive energy into my life.
Soon though, school will begin and I'll be up to my eyeballs in projects and work and this relationship which I'm surprised I've typed so much about. But it really feels nice and I'm really enjoying all the energy that's coming thru this synergy. He is really really great. As always, time will tell. But in the day-to-day, it's been bliss.
I haven't been photographing, writing, or painting nearly as much as I want. But with all these feelings swirling around me, there is no lack of inspiration. And when school begins, I'm ready to put everything that's been happening into my work.
I'm thinking about starting Lifeyear again just for the fun of it. I look at it from time to time and realize how great of a chronicle it really was. In a way, I'm sorta glad I haven't done it this summer. It's given me great perspective about the year I had, the year I'll have, and where the present fits in between those two. So that's a thought. I still carry my camera with me everywhere and still notice everything about the world around me, almost to the point of micro-sensitivity sometimes. When you're constantly looking, you sometimes lose sight of the big picture. This break has also helped the expansion of my vision into a larger viewpoint. With school about to begin again, maybe I should focus anew. I'll give it some thought. Maybe I can do it again but maybe not so stringently. Maybe the guideline can be every day and if I miss a day or two I don't have to make it up or beat myself up over it. This is TBC...
I feel myself changing in other ways. This relationship is really challenging some of the thought and behavior patterns I had fallen into over the past few years. And it's changing them for the better. It is hard to give myself fully after being single for so long. It terrifies me and feels amazing at the same time. This example of two emotions that don't seem miscible somehow are in my system. It's this split thinking, this dichotomy of thought and action that is slowly pulling itself together. In a way, I'm becoming more streamlined and less erratic, which was sorta my trademark for a time. I just don't want to forget who I am even though that person is changing. It's all moving so fast. I'm a bystander having an out-of-body experience in my own life.
My first therapy session is tomorrow. I am greatly looking forward to sorting out my thoughts, getting some perspective on my behavior and these reasons why I am the way I am. Like why is blue my new favorite color? Well, some things you may never know.
-H.
Most of May was spent being mind-fucked by Mark. This was compounded by the end of the semester, and trying to get all my final projects done, as well as find a new apartment. I had to lead some people on, let others down, and be a bad friend for a few weeks during this time. I don't want to be in this many conflicting interpersonal situations at one time ever again, if I can at all help it cuz it was like a Shakespeare play... in a bad way. Add to this the pressure of finals, and you have a recipe for mania. I swear I was a little off my rocker for a few days there. But I got all As, so it wasn't for naught.
Toward the end of this month, I met a boy named Adam.
June was crazy. I moved to the north side, started an internship, started summer school, worked at a new job, and started getting serious about Adam. All of these things came with a set of expectations both by myself and the other parties, and they weren't, for the most part, mutually congruent. The internship expected more than I thought would be needed, so did summer school. Then the relationship with Adam started getting serious and we went thru some real drama before we started to be good for one another. The job was OK at first, but right around the end of this month, started to royally suck.
July was hellish. The shit hit the fan with me and Adam for a few days, during which we broke up and I was the poor, miserable bastard who couldn't get out of bed and moped around all day. The job was reaching the apex of its suckiness, and I put off doing a lot of work for summer school until the last second, which ended up stressing me out. This was the first half of the month.
By the end, Adam and I had mostly resolved the bulk of our toxic issues, I quit the job, and pulled it together to put some work into school and came out of it with an A. I chilled out the last few days of this month and did NOTHING.
The first day of August, I went to New York for a few days which totally rejuvenated me and gave me the break I'd been needing and some time away from the things I asked for which had started to pin me down. Now happily unemployed and with summer school over, I took a break from the internship and gave myself a few days to reflect on everything that had been happening. New York was great as always, and I really started to miss Adam. When I came back, I found he was still there for me.
The past few weeks have been really good. I'm looking forward to school few more, it's my birthday next week, and I've been spending a ridiculous amount of time with Adam. But when school starts and I find a job, this joyride slow down and I'll have to buckle down and focus. So that's been my Summer 2008. There have been so many feelings. So many. I must've felt every emotion possible these past coupla months.
For a second there, I was really overwhelmed and stressed and maybe even a little depressed. Everything worked out, as things tend to do, and what I'm left with is more than I ever wanted. I'm working on being thankful for everything, and I'm mostly succeeding. Being thankful is a huge first step in bringing positive energy into my life.
Soon though, school will begin and I'll be up to my eyeballs in projects and work and this relationship which I'm surprised I've typed so much about. But it really feels nice and I'm really enjoying all the energy that's coming thru this synergy. He is really really great. As always, time will tell. But in the day-to-day, it's been bliss.
I haven't been photographing, writing, or painting nearly as much as I want. But with all these feelings swirling around me, there is no lack of inspiration. And when school begins, I'm ready to put everything that's been happening into my work.
I'm thinking about starting Lifeyear again just for the fun of it. I look at it from time to time and realize how great of a chronicle it really was. In a way, I'm sorta glad I haven't done it this summer. It's given me great perspective about the year I had, the year I'll have, and where the present fits in between those two. So that's a thought. I still carry my camera with me everywhere and still notice everything about the world around me, almost to the point of micro-sensitivity sometimes. When you're constantly looking, you sometimes lose sight of the big picture. This break has also helped the expansion of my vision into a larger viewpoint. With school about to begin again, maybe I should focus anew. I'll give it some thought. Maybe I can do it again but maybe not so stringently. Maybe the guideline can be every day and if I miss a day or two I don't have to make it up or beat myself up over it. This is TBC...
I feel myself changing in other ways. This relationship is really challenging some of the thought and behavior patterns I had fallen into over the past few years. And it's changing them for the better. It is hard to give myself fully after being single for so long. It terrifies me and feels amazing at the same time. This example of two emotions that don't seem miscible somehow are in my system. It's this split thinking, this dichotomy of thought and action that is slowly pulling itself together. In a way, I'm becoming more streamlined and less erratic, which was sorta my trademark for a time. I just don't want to forget who I am even though that person is changing. It's all moving so fast. I'm a bystander having an out-of-body experience in my own life.
My first therapy session is tomorrow. I am greatly looking forward to sorting out my thoughts, getting some perspective on my behavior and these reasons why I am the way I am. Like why is blue my new favorite color? Well, some things you may never know.
-H.