Ally
So last night after I posted my excitement about Ally's situation, she posted a massive drunken rant about how bad everything really is for her, and how bad it's always been, and how she didn't want to be one of my projects and she didn't want to have me feel as if I had to fix her because she's broken. And then I got really, really worried because everything that she wrote she's never told me before and I knew that there was something, but I just didn't know what that something was, and now I do and it's just so all at once and she was drinking because she couldn't talk about the sex thing with all her inhibitions up and then we got talking about more serious things and she just spiralled down and kept going.
I wrote her a huge email, and texted her to make sure she was alright, and told her that I'd be there with her if I could be, but Canberra is just a little too far away. I wish she'd done all this while she was in town. That way I wouldn't be so worried about her and she'd have a good environment to get wasted and cry in. She wouldn't be alone either.
First up, I want you to read this when you are sober. Not even a little bit tipsy ok, completely devoid of alcohol. I know you're thinking that I won't know, but I'm trusting you.
You are not a project! You are my best friend, and I love you to death, and I will not try to fix you, we will work on this together for as long as you want to talk to me and you will get through this.
I can't believe that you never told me any of that stuff before, but I understand that it's hard. I mean, it took me what? Four years to come out and say that I was fucked up. But I'm glad you wrote it, even if you will go back and delete it all. I'm happy that you got it all out, and now you need to evaluate and go from there.
I take everything I said about having sex back, because I didn't know any of that. You are number one, so make sure that you are comfortable first. And keep telling yourself that your mother's relationships are not any fault of your own and one day you'll come to believe it. Intimacy isn't a bad thing, and you can have it without all the issues that your mother had. You're not like that, I know you're not. But if you're not comfortable with this, don't do it. I won't ever hassle you again, I promise!
I hope you didn't get too drunk. Now I'm worried about you. Man I feel like making [Mark] drive me down to Canberra tomorrow night so I can come and see you.
BPD isn't nothing. I don't know much about it but I know the basics, and it's not nothing. It's not fair at all for you to say that you live in a four or whatever, and so you don't deserve medication or anything because you're not fucked up enough. That's bullshit. If it matters to you than it matters, period. Keep talking to your shrink about it (just out of curiousity, are you seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist?) and maybe some medication wouldn't be such a bad thing. I found that medication is good for moderating feelings while you're going through all the tough stuff. Because that's what you need to do; get it out and figure it out and talk it through and realise that none of it is your fault. You don't need to forgive your parents, you need to forgive yourself. You've made mistakes, and so has everyone else. But your mistakes weren't made by other people, and nothing that your mother did, or [her brother] did, or your father did, or anyone else did is your fault.
I never knew that you even rarely felt suicidal. Well tonight has been one for confessions. I wish you'd talked to me about this before. If you ever feel like that again I want you to ring me up straight away, or text, or whatever. And if I don't reply keep doing it. You can even have my work number if you want!
I'd look after you, if you went out here. I don't let myself drink that much, so I wouldn't let you drink that much. And [Charlotte] would still love you. She still loves me! Everyone is fucked up, some just more than others, and at least we know how to survive because of it. I don't get drunk because I don't want to get lost and do something that I know that I won't let myself do normally. I cut, but when I do it when I'm drunk it's deeper, harder, faster, more painful but I feel less. I don't want to get so drunk that I pass out, or jump infront of a car or something. I definately wouldn't let you get that drunk either.
Listen to the rational part of you. The subconscious part of you is still that little girl craddling her mother wondering what you did to make her do that because you were too young to understand that it was her bad choice, not something she did to get back at you. It really isn't your fault. Keep telling yourself that. Or do what my psych told me to do, and think or some random child, and try telling them that what happened to you was their fault. You can't do it, because it's not their fault. It's not your fault. You can't put that onto a kid, you shouldn't put it onto yourself. It's her fault, and you can hate her all you like honestly if that helps you.
I cannot wait to see you again, and when I do I'm seriously going to hug you and just like not let go for half an hour until I can physically make you know how much I hate that you're hurting. I don't want you to hurt, because you hurting hurts me, and I'm sure that my hurting hurts you so we're just hurting each other, which is silly! We are awesome, and we can beat whatever we get thrown, including abusive people and horrible childhoods. We will grow up to be amazing women. We are amazing women already. We will make it, and we will be amazing. I don't want you to make me cry again! Except maybe next time I see you or next time you leave, in that case it won't be so bad. I don't want you to be scared to tell me anything again, because nothing you could tell me would change how much I love you, except maybe if you've liked killed someone or something! Please tell me you haven't! Actually no, I'd probably still love you anyway.
If I had my licence I would drive down there this weekend to sit with you and cry or watch TV or do whatever, so sorry I don't have my licence. I probably wouldn't be able to afford the petrol anyway. I'm doing it in my mind ok, and we'll see each other at Easter, so we'll be ok til then. No more drinking to excess ok.
Please remember how much I love you, and how much [Mark] and [Charlotte] love you, and all your friends at uni, and stop blaming yourself for all these things. I know it's hard to break habits like that, but you can, and you will. I totally feel bad now for having you read all my pathetic rants on LJ cause my situation doesn't suck as much as yours. Be ok, please. You hurting really is hurting me. I'm so worried that it's probably crazy cause you promised me you'd stop drinking when I texted you but I'm still worried that you'll keep drinking and now I'm thinking up horrible situations like you choking on vomit and all that. So don't do that ok. You know how my imagination is.
Text me when you get this. I work 10-8, but my lunch is at 2, but just text anyway so I know you got this and I know you're ok.
I'm talking to her on MSN at the moment, so now I'm less worried about her. She seems ok, just hung over. Now I'm really wishing that I'd said no to starting at 10am because I want to sit and talk with Ally all morning just to make sure that she is ok.
I wrote her a huge email, and texted her to make sure she was alright, and told her that I'd be there with her if I could be, but Canberra is just a little too far away. I wish she'd done all this while she was in town. That way I wouldn't be so worried about her and she'd have a good environment to get wasted and cry in. She wouldn't be alone either.
First up, I want you to read this when you are sober. Not even a little bit tipsy ok, completely devoid of alcohol. I know you're thinking that I won't know, but I'm trusting you.
You are not a project! You are my best friend, and I love you to death, and I will not try to fix you, we will work on this together for as long as you want to talk to me and you will get through this.
I can't believe that you never told me any of that stuff before, but I understand that it's hard. I mean, it took me what? Four years to come out and say that I was fucked up. But I'm glad you wrote it, even if you will go back and delete it all. I'm happy that you got it all out, and now you need to evaluate and go from there.
I take everything I said about having sex back, because I didn't know any of that. You are number one, so make sure that you are comfortable first. And keep telling yourself that your mother's relationships are not any fault of your own and one day you'll come to believe it. Intimacy isn't a bad thing, and you can have it without all the issues that your mother had. You're not like that, I know you're not. But if you're not comfortable with this, don't do it. I won't ever hassle you again, I promise!
I hope you didn't get too drunk. Now I'm worried about you. Man I feel like making [Mark] drive me down to Canberra tomorrow night so I can come and see you.
BPD isn't nothing. I don't know much about it but I know the basics, and it's not nothing. It's not fair at all for you to say that you live in a four or whatever, and so you don't deserve medication or anything because you're not fucked up enough. That's bullshit. If it matters to you than it matters, period. Keep talking to your shrink about it (just out of curiousity, are you seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist?) and maybe some medication wouldn't be such a bad thing. I found that medication is good for moderating feelings while you're going through all the tough stuff. Because that's what you need to do; get it out and figure it out and talk it through and realise that none of it is your fault. You don't need to forgive your parents, you need to forgive yourself. You've made mistakes, and so has everyone else. But your mistakes weren't made by other people, and nothing that your mother did, or [her brother] did, or your father did, or anyone else did is your fault.
I never knew that you even rarely felt suicidal. Well tonight has been one for confessions. I wish you'd talked to me about this before. If you ever feel like that again I want you to ring me up straight away, or text, or whatever. And if I don't reply keep doing it. You can even have my work number if you want!
I'd look after you, if you went out here. I don't let myself drink that much, so I wouldn't let you drink that much. And [Charlotte] would still love you. She still loves me! Everyone is fucked up, some just more than others, and at least we know how to survive because of it. I don't get drunk because I don't want to get lost and do something that I know that I won't let myself do normally. I cut, but when I do it when I'm drunk it's deeper, harder, faster, more painful but I feel less. I don't want to get so drunk that I pass out, or jump infront of a car or something. I definately wouldn't let you get that drunk either.
Listen to the rational part of you. The subconscious part of you is still that little girl craddling her mother wondering what you did to make her do that because you were too young to understand that it was her bad choice, not something she did to get back at you. It really isn't your fault. Keep telling yourself that. Or do what my psych told me to do, and think or some random child, and try telling them that what happened to you was their fault. You can't do it, because it's not their fault. It's not your fault. You can't put that onto a kid, you shouldn't put it onto yourself. It's her fault, and you can hate her all you like honestly if that helps you.
I cannot wait to see you again, and when I do I'm seriously going to hug you and just like not let go for half an hour until I can physically make you know how much I hate that you're hurting. I don't want you to hurt, because you hurting hurts me, and I'm sure that my hurting hurts you so we're just hurting each other, which is silly! We are awesome, and we can beat whatever we get thrown, including abusive people and horrible childhoods. We will grow up to be amazing women. We are amazing women already. We will make it, and we will be amazing. I don't want you to make me cry again! Except maybe next time I see you or next time you leave, in that case it won't be so bad. I don't want you to be scared to tell me anything again, because nothing you could tell me would change how much I love you, except maybe if you've liked killed someone or something! Please tell me you haven't! Actually no, I'd probably still love you anyway.
If I had my licence I would drive down there this weekend to sit with you and cry or watch TV or do whatever, so sorry I don't have my licence. I probably wouldn't be able to afford the petrol anyway. I'm doing it in my mind ok, and we'll see each other at Easter, so we'll be ok til then. No more drinking to excess ok.
Please remember how much I love you, and how much [Mark] and [Charlotte] love you, and all your friends at uni, and stop blaming yourself for all these things. I know it's hard to break habits like that, but you can, and you will. I totally feel bad now for having you read all my pathetic rants on LJ cause my situation doesn't suck as much as yours. Be ok, please. You hurting really is hurting me. I'm so worried that it's probably crazy cause you promised me you'd stop drinking when I texted you but I'm still worried that you'll keep drinking and now I'm thinking up horrible situations like you choking on vomit and all that. So don't do that ok. You know how my imagination is.
Text me when you get this. I work 10-8, but my lunch is at 2, but just text anyway so I know you got this and I know you're ok.
I'm talking to her on MSN at the moment, so now I'm less worried about her. She seems ok, just hung over. Now I'm really wishing that I'd said no to starting at 10am because I want to sit and talk with Ally all morning just to make sure that she is ok.