the lesbian, single half of me is going crazy
So Mark is at poker.
I just watched Loving Annabelle.
I'm lonely.
This is the lesbian, single half of my mind and heart talking.
I feel like I'm going crazy, especially with Precious. I mean, I like her, but I don't know if she likes me. I don't even know if she thinks about me. All I had was that one night where we texted and sent photos, and I want that so badly again, but I just can't have it and I don't know why. Everything has been so different since then. She's had family troubles, friend troubles, boyfriend troubles, job troubles. Life troubles. Does she want me? She's not even remotely interested in women. At least that's what she says. She then says that she likes it when girls go down on her because they're so much better than boys. I don't know how straight she is. But more frustrating than that is not knowing if she wants me, because I want her. I could probably handle her being straight, because she's the type of girl who would do it anyway, and all I want is one night at least. If she wasn't into me, than even if she was into girls she still wouldn't sleep with me.
My mind spins when I think of her. Yesterday she was hot, and I didn't even agree with what she was wearing. I want so badly to text her and try to initiate another sexy photo swap, but everytime the thought pops into my head something comes up. Like last night, when she dropped her family problem bombshell on me. You can't say what I wanted to say after hearing something like that. It's tacky. I wouldn't be her friend if I could do that. I just texted her just then asking about how she was, and she hasn't replied yet.
I feel like I'm not in charge of this situation, and I need to be. I'm scared. And I feel like shit for being scared, but I have always been a nervous person. Kissing her and being rejected isn't the same as kissing a guy and being rejected. This is different. I don't know, because it's hardly socially acceptable or some bullshit like that. It shouldn't be. I mean it's not a different feeling. It's still sexual tension. At least I think there is still sexual tension. I can hardly tell the way she's been lately. And I don't want to ask her. I don't want to know that her answer is no.
I just wish that I could just go up to her and kiss her. And that she would kiss back. And that it would be some awesome love scene like in the movies. I just want her for one night at least. And I just want her to want me.
I'm going to ask her. Not right now because there's any number of reasons that she didn't reply to my text. But one day real soon, when we have a real conversation and I get up the guts.