Rough times
Husband lost his job this week. We are going through the lowest point in our marriage right now, and that's really saying something. He was half downsized, and half fucked up. Right now I wish I could overlook his mistakes with more grace. And sincerity. It's really, really hard to look into the face of someone I've loved for half my life and wonder what kind of man I married.
I'm desperately worried about how to get through the next month. Beyond that I am just angry and resentful. That I have to do most of the cleaning this up. That I didn't have any control over this situation, but I'll have to live with the consequences. I'm so angry that I have all these things I want to say to him that would be awful to hear so I bottle it up. I wish I could call him horrible names and throw him out. I hate how spiteful I feel right now.
I hate to come back to public blogging in a tough spot and filled with negative thoughts. But I need a place to admit my weaknesses. My diary has been private for years and that isn't enough to keep me honest or sane right now. I have to know that my confessions at least might be seen to hold me to whatever penitence I can muster, at the moment.
I really wish we could turn back the clock a little to the heyday of my favorite fandoms, when Buffy and Potterverse were busy and distracting. I could use deep, involving conversations about something that isn't my own petty attachment. I want to find a way to solve all our problems, remain a person I respect, AND come out of this next few weeks without a serious nervous tick of some damaging variety.
So... a request. Where's the time wasters? I like guessing and mystery more than romance, good/evil and right/wrong power struggles, and I have a not so secret fascination with bad boys. Magic, supernatural, fantasy or superpowers are a huge plus.
I'm desperately worried about how to get through the next month. Beyond that I am just angry and resentful. That I have to do most of the cleaning this up. That I didn't have any control over this situation, but I'll have to live with the consequences. I'm so angry that I have all these things I want to say to him that would be awful to hear so I bottle it up. I wish I could call him horrible names and throw him out. I hate how spiteful I feel right now.
I hate to come back to public blogging in a tough spot and filled with negative thoughts. But I need a place to admit my weaknesses. My diary has been private for years and that isn't enough to keep me honest or sane right now. I have to know that my confessions at least might be seen to hold me to whatever penitence I can muster, at the moment.
I really wish we could turn back the clock a little to the heyday of my favorite fandoms, when Buffy and Potterverse were busy and distracting. I could use deep, involving conversations about something that isn't my own petty attachment. I want to find a way to solve all our problems, remain a person I respect, AND come out of this next few weeks without a serious nervous tick of some damaging variety.
So... a request. Where's the time wasters? I like guessing and mystery more than romance, good/evil and right/wrong power struggles, and I have a not so secret fascination with bad boys. Magic, supernatural, fantasy or superpowers are a huge plus.