Meghan Lynn Novak, Rest in peace
My parents and I put our dog, Meghan, down today. It was one of the hardest, most emotionally draining, and painful experiences of my life-- thus far. My sweet baby girl is gone. I hugged her lifeless body; I just thought she was sleeping. She went very peacefully. I feel like such a bad person.
I've been crying all day, since he moment I woke up to now when I'm off to bed. I need to punctuate that sentence, but I'm tired. I've been using eye drops to hopefully prevent the appearance of crying all day. I hate myself for letting something so precious to me go, but she wasn't meant to last forever. I can't remember the last time she wanted to play with a rag-toy, or want to run around and be chased. My dog was not a hot weather dog; she loved the snow. She was born in PA and died in TX, something seems so wrong about that.
I dont have health insurance. I need it, but I'm also waiting to make sure I get paid. then I can afford it.
I dont understand why people have dogs. I mean, I do, but with my parents, they just have them around for emotional support. If I had a dog, I'd take her/him everywhere. I'd be an active pet owner. It's just letting the pet die that is the hardest part for me.
I remember, the night before my tonsillectomy, Meghan laid with me the whole night. She didn't move or want to get away. I think she sensed I was scared and that I needed a buddy. I took a picture of her in a pink sweater. Her eyes partially opened. It was adorable.
I'm really not taking this very well. I held my baby girl as her heart stopped. She just looked like she was sleeping. I want to continue to believe that she's sleeping, and that it's peaceful.
I've never cried this hard in public before. I feel so exposed.
I also feel like an idiot because I look like shit. My eyes are all red and puffy, my nose is red, and I keep having the sniffles. I wish jackie would call me and ask me how I am. But I can't expect too much from people, because they have their own lives to live.. I wish I had a friend right now. And I don't.
I dont really talk to anyone anymore. People either bum me out, OR I'm becoming so introverted I want to do nothing but be myself. I'm not depressed because I can only sleep 7 hours a day-- if that. It's not depression.
I need that second job to jump start me into feeling good again. Meghan getting sick and passing was a long time coming. I didn't know that I would be taking it this hard. I miss her. She was such a good companion for me. I know she loved my brother more, but I think we had a special connection. She would sing for me and make noises that she wouldn't make for anyone else.
I'm pretty sure my roommate can hear me crying, so I'm trying to keep it low. I keep having this pressure headache because I'm holding my tears in.
I have her name tag above my bed at night, so that she'll always be near me. I always loved when she slept in my bed. I felt so special to have her in my bed. It's like, "oh she picked me!! I must be extra special to her."
I gave her steak for her last dinner. My mom gave her a heath bar. I should have given her more treats before her passing, but I thought, "Why, she's just gonna die and not digest it. Plus, I'm lazy and I dont wanna get up and be away from her." And for that I feel awful. I should have given her more treats, more steak, more yogurt. I feel like an awful pet person.
I'm gonna miss you, Meghan. I love you more than I've ever loved anything in my life.
This is harder than I thought.