No I'm not pregnant. That doesn't mean I can't rant about it.
No I'm not pregnant. I just spend a lot of time thinking about it. It's almost like a hobby? Maybe more like an obsession. No biological clock jokes, please! ;)
This rant was precipitated by a post I saw about how this nurse couldn't imagine anyone choosing to give birth outside of a hospital setting. I wanted to post a reply, but it got pretty long and hostile sounding.
What can I get from a hospital? What could a hospital birth offer that I can't have at home? I've been coaching Pete to refuse pretty much everything that they're going to try to do to me. So really, what can I get from a hospital?
C-section - major abdominal surgery that I want like hell to avoid. I won't even be able to pick up my baby with a major wound along my belly. Not to mention that it's dangerous for the baby as well. (google for c-section breathing problems) And of course that uterine scar might rupture, which means guaranteed c-sections for my future births. So I'd be stuck having no more than two children. How many kids can you rip out through the same uterine scar? Time that I spend recovering from surgery is crucial time not spent bonding with my new baby.
Not letting me eat - they treat you like a pre-op patient, so no eating. You want me to fast for labour that will likely last for hours or days? Pete, I expect you to smuggle me a Big Mac. Jello cubes is NOT food!
epidural - don't want that. I want to be up on my feet so that the baby can reposition. Less likely to have shoulder dystocia if I am able to move about. (For the uninitiated, shoulder dystocia is where the baby gets stuck in the birth canal. Very bad. But this is a positioning issue, not a baby size issue)
drugs - to make me woozy and nauseated? This is just another trick to make me lie down, isn't it...
episiotomy - why would I want the doctor to cut me a new one? The biggest cause for tearing is the epidural - I can't feel what I'm doing so I push too hard and rip myself up. And of course, I would have to deal with the lifelong consequences of the resulting incontinence and sexual discomfort. Pete has been repeatedly coached to protect my perineum from the doctor's scalpel.
fetal monitoring - see epidural. I need to be mobile. It's cruel and unusual to force me to labour on my back. The pain would become unbearable. I would end up begging for the epidural in a few hours. Cycle of interventions ensue.
induce labour - break my water and give me Pitocin? Why? Let labour take its natural course. The water break + Pitocin is going to cause a lot more painful severe contractions, which would cause the fetal heart rate to go down and for my pain to go up. Doctors declare that I'm not progressing fast enough, or that the fetus is in distress from my monster contractions. Cycle of interventions ensue. Next thing you know, I'm being wheeled off for a C-section.
People walking in and out of my room - I can just imagine the class of interns trooping in to observe my birth.
forceps - uh, no. The baby will come out even if you don't pull on his skull with metal tongs. Plus you might injure me with that. What if I get a contraction with that inside?
cutting the umbilical cord - This is a bad idea. There is no evidence that the umbilical cord should be clamped. 25% of the baby's blood supply in there. The baby is getting oxygen from the placenta. The function of the placenta is to provide oxygen concurrently until the baby's lungs clear of mucus and he can breathe on his own. Wait for the placenta to stop pulsing before you cut the cord please.
warmer - You know those plastic boxes they put the babies in to keep them warm? Putting the baby against my breast would do that job nicely. And the sensation of the breastfeeding baby will cause me to release oxytocin, reducing the chances of me bleeding out. Plus how can complete isolation be a good idea? There are many studies that confirm the baby's respiration is stabilized by skin contact with the mother.
bathing the baby - I'll do this myself thanks. Don't let the nurse do it! (video link, disturbing-scale medium)
weighing/measuring/eyedrops/vitamin K/Hep B vaccination/hospital admission - All this stuff? No thanks. Leave the baby with me please, not taken off to the nursery for hours. Pete has been told it is OK to punch the doctor or nurse that tries to take the baby away.
Even for a routine birth, where they don't accidentally circumcise your kid or give him to the wrong parents, hospital birth is just SCARY to me. I'm a healthy woman with no health problems. I just hope like hell I don't have a high-risk condition that forces me to birth at the hospital instead of at home. The hospital is just an ambulance ride away if I need it. But I really hope I don't.
Just in case I end up in a hospital despite my best efforts, I'll write up a birth plan. I can't really think clearly or speak for myself if I'm in a whackload of pain. Pete can just follow the flow chart, and if a gaggle of interns come filing into the room, the flow chart will tell him he's expected to bodily throw people out. I'll be in pain and vulnerable, so he'll have to be my advocate.
And I know some of you are thinking "G, I know you, you are a wuss when it comes to pain". Well, yes and no. Labour isn't comfortable. But there are things you can do, like water birth, or counter-pressure on the back, or different labour positions, that can ease the discomfort. And ultimately, I would be a mother first and a wuss second. I am willing to endure a lot of pain for my unborn child's safety. And I honestly believe that a C-section would be more painful and harmful to me and my baby in the long run than a natural birth at home.
This rant was precipitated by a post I saw about how this nurse couldn't imagine anyone choosing to give birth outside of a hospital setting. I wanted to post a reply, but it got pretty long and hostile sounding.
What can I get from a hospital? What could a hospital birth offer that I can't have at home? I've been coaching Pete to refuse pretty much everything that they're going to try to do to me. So really, what can I get from a hospital?
C-section - major abdominal surgery that I want like hell to avoid. I won't even be able to pick up my baby with a major wound along my belly. Not to mention that it's dangerous for the baby as well. (google for c-section breathing problems) And of course that uterine scar might rupture, which means guaranteed c-sections for my future births. So I'd be stuck having no more than two children. How many kids can you rip out through the same uterine scar? Time that I spend recovering from surgery is crucial time not spent bonding with my new baby.
Not letting me eat - they treat you like a pre-op patient, so no eating. You want me to fast for labour that will likely last for hours or days? Pete, I expect you to smuggle me a Big Mac. Jello cubes is NOT food!
epidural - don't want that. I want to be up on my feet so that the baby can reposition. Less likely to have shoulder dystocia if I am able to move about. (For the uninitiated, shoulder dystocia is where the baby gets stuck in the birth canal. Very bad. But this is a positioning issue, not a baby size issue)
drugs - to make me woozy and nauseated? This is just another trick to make me lie down, isn't it...
episiotomy - why would I want the doctor to cut me a new one? The biggest cause for tearing is the epidural - I can't feel what I'm doing so I push too hard and rip myself up. And of course, I would have to deal with the lifelong consequences of the resulting incontinence and sexual discomfort. Pete has been repeatedly coached to protect my perineum from the doctor's scalpel.
fetal monitoring - see epidural. I need to be mobile. It's cruel and unusual to force me to labour on my back. The pain would become unbearable. I would end up begging for the epidural in a few hours. Cycle of interventions ensue.
induce labour - break my water and give me Pitocin? Why? Let labour take its natural course. The water break + Pitocin is going to cause a lot more painful severe contractions, which would cause the fetal heart rate to go down and for my pain to go up. Doctors declare that I'm not progressing fast enough, or that the fetus is in distress from my monster contractions. Cycle of interventions ensue. Next thing you know, I'm being wheeled off for a C-section.
People walking in and out of my room - I can just imagine the class of interns trooping in to observe my birth.
forceps - uh, no. The baby will come out even if you don't pull on his skull with metal tongs. Plus you might injure me with that. What if I get a contraction with that inside?
cutting the umbilical cord - This is a bad idea. There is no evidence that the umbilical cord should be clamped. 25% of the baby's blood supply in there. The baby is getting oxygen from the placenta. The function of the placenta is to provide oxygen concurrently until the baby's lungs clear of mucus and he can breathe on his own. Wait for the placenta to stop pulsing before you cut the cord please.
warmer - You know those plastic boxes they put the babies in to keep them warm? Putting the baby against my breast would do that job nicely. And the sensation of the breastfeeding baby will cause me to release oxytocin, reducing the chances of me bleeding out. Plus how can complete isolation be a good idea? There are many studies that confirm the baby's respiration is stabilized by skin contact with the mother.
bathing the baby - I'll do this myself thanks. Don't let the nurse do it! (video link, disturbing-scale medium)
weighing/measuring/eyedrops/vitamin K/Hep B vaccination/hospital admission - All this stuff? No thanks. Leave the baby with me please, not taken off to the nursery for hours. Pete has been told it is OK to punch the doctor or nurse that tries to take the baby away.
Even for a routine birth, where they don't accidentally circumcise your kid or give him to the wrong parents, hospital birth is just SCARY to me. I'm a healthy woman with no health problems. I just hope like hell I don't have a high-risk condition that forces me to birth at the hospital instead of at home. The hospital is just an ambulance ride away if I need it. But I really hope I don't.
Just in case I end up in a hospital despite my best efforts, I'll write up a birth plan. I can't really think clearly or speak for myself if I'm in a whackload of pain. Pete can just follow the flow chart, and if a gaggle of interns come filing into the room, the flow chart will tell him he's expected to bodily throw people out. I'll be in pain and vulnerable, so he'll have to be my advocate.
And I know some of you are thinking "G, I know you, you are a wuss when it comes to pain". Well, yes and no. Labour isn't comfortable. But there are things you can do, like water birth, or counter-pressure on the back, or different labour positions, that can ease the discomfort. And ultimately, I would be a mother first and a wuss second. I am willing to endure a lot of pain for my unborn child's safety. And I honestly believe that a C-section would be more painful and harmful to me and my baby in the long run than a natural birth at home.