911
This is the first year I have not spent yesterday focused on that day.
This is the first year I have not relived the sirens.
Not relived my commentary.
Not relived the lines at payphones.
Not relived the smell.
Somehow, I made it through the whole day and only thought of it twice. Once in the morning, when looking at the news and catching a glimpse of the date. It triggered then, but I did not allow it to develop.
The second time was prior to a play this evening when someone else was discussing it. I chose to not mention I was there. I chose to not relive it all over again.
Because it is only now, in this first non-living that I begin to understand how that date has haunted me for 5 years. It is only now, when I look back at yesterday (so recently finished) and realize that I have been carrying a great deal of that with me. It is now, that I realize that time really does heal.
Not completely. The wound is not cauterized. It is still there. The wound can never heal with endless surges and forays into battles justified by that date.
But it does heal. It does not sink me into a sense of overwhelmedness. That made up word is the only thing I think that can really describe how I feel towards the 11th of September 2001. It is not sadness, or anger, or even incomprehension. It is beyond all of that. And time has started to lessen that sense. It is not that it is any less overwhelming, just that life is currently much more whelming. There is so much here to fill in that gap.
I feel guilty, in a way, to have not acknowledged it deeper. I know there are people who still live with it every day. Those that lost loved ones. I am so lucky. I lost a sense of safety, a sense of balance, that never really goes away. But my loss is esoteric. And time lessens it.
This is the first year I have not relived the sirens.
Not relived my commentary.
Not relived the lines at payphones.
Not relived the smell.
Somehow, I made it through the whole day and only thought of it twice. Once in the morning, when looking at the news and catching a glimpse of the date. It triggered then, but I did not allow it to develop.
The second time was prior to a play this evening when someone else was discussing it. I chose to not mention I was there. I chose to not relive it all over again.
Because it is only now, in this first non-living that I begin to understand how that date has haunted me for 5 years. It is only now, when I look back at yesterday (so recently finished) and realize that I have been carrying a great deal of that with me. It is now, that I realize that time really does heal.
Not completely. The wound is not cauterized. It is still there. The wound can never heal with endless surges and forays into battles justified by that date.
But it does heal. It does not sink me into a sense of overwhelmedness. That made up word is the only thing I think that can really describe how I feel towards the 11th of September 2001. It is not sadness, or anger, or even incomprehension. It is beyond all of that. And time has started to lessen that sense. It is not that it is any less overwhelming, just that life is currently much more whelming. There is so much here to fill in that gap.
I feel guilty, in a way, to have not acknowledged it deeper. I know there are people who still live with it every day. Those that lost loved ones. I am so lucky. I lost a sense of safety, a sense of balance, that never really goes away. But my loss is esoteric. And time lessens it.