i'm so sorry
i've been super super bitchy lately and i hate it
i will enjoy the hell out of this year and not worry so much about the future. that will take care of itself. me worrying about the decisions i have to make will not fix anything. what i need most right now is clarity of mind, not anxiety.
i talked to my parents the other day.. i thought i was going to get in trouble for this terrible thing that i did, but they actually mostly wanted to talk to me about my plans for the future. i told them i really wasn't interested in biology/neuroscience; i liked them well enough, but if i had to pursue a career in those fields, i would sort of regret my decision for the rest of my life. (melodrama! i would probably come to terms with it eventually. what i really mean is that i would not be passionate about my work.)
my mother brought up the possibility of taking a year off after graduating. that way i could work on music and determine if it's what i really want to do. i could easily get a manager position at panera & make $40,000 a year, so i could be working and saving up money to go to college later if that's what i want to do. financially, that's a good idea because i don't have a college fund so at this point i basically have to go somewhere where i will get a full scholarship or i will have to go into life with massive amounts of student loans to pay back on a major that i may or may not actually want to have. with, say, $20,000 saved up, i could probably get through most of college if i went to a school that might not be my first choice but that would give me more money.
anyway. i have no idea if that's what i want to do with myself. it's such a completely foreign concept to me, something that i have completely dismissed for the past three years because i just assumed that i would be going to a four-year college and then moving straight on to grad school and then doing whatever for the rest of my life.
i feel completely lost right now. i feel terrifyingly in control of my own life.
i also don't feel like putting up with another year of high school. i realize that tj isn't the problem, but i really don't feel like it's the right place for me to be at this time. i am going to try to get through this year because i want to graduate from tj, but i don't know if that's the right thing for me to do. if i am planning on going into music, it might be better for me to go to centreville and have more time to work on songs. but it is such a goddamn shame, after so much work, after so much stress.. it feels like giving up to me.
i just don't know.
i will enjoy the hell out of this year and not worry so much about the future. that will take care of itself. me worrying about the decisions i have to make will not fix anything. what i need most right now is clarity of mind, not anxiety.
i talked to my parents the other day.. i thought i was going to get in trouble for this terrible thing that i did, but they actually mostly wanted to talk to me about my plans for the future. i told them i really wasn't interested in biology/neuroscience; i liked them well enough, but if i had to pursue a career in those fields, i would sort of regret my decision for the rest of my life. (melodrama! i would probably come to terms with it eventually. what i really mean is that i would not be passionate about my work.)
my mother brought up the possibility of taking a year off after graduating. that way i could work on music and determine if it's what i really want to do. i could easily get a manager position at panera & make $40,000 a year, so i could be working and saving up money to go to college later if that's what i want to do. financially, that's a good idea because i don't have a college fund so at this point i basically have to go somewhere where i will get a full scholarship or i will have to go into life with massive amounts of student loans to pay back on a major that i may or may not actually want to have. with, say, $20,000 saved up, i could probably get through most of college if i went to a school that might not be my first choice but that would give me more money.
anyway. i have no idea if that's what i want to do with myself. it's such a completely foreign concept to me, something that i have completely dismissed for the past three years because i just assumed that i would be going to a four-year college and then moving straight on to grad school and then doing whatever for the rest of my life.
i feel completely lost right now. i feel terrifyingly in control of my own life.
i also don't feel like putting up with another year of high school. i realize that tj isn't the problem, but i really don't feel like it's the right place for me to be at this time. i am going to try to get through this year because i want to graduate from tj, but i don't know if that's the right thing for me to do. if i am planning on going into music, it might be better for me to go to centreville and have more time to work on songs. but it is such a goddamn shame, after so much work, after so much stress.. it feels like giving up to me.
i just don't know.