Boston Partnership: A Defense of Primary Friendship

[labingi]

"Boston Partnership: A Defense of Primary Friendship""The only thing lacking in Izzy's life was a romantic relationship, but even that wasn't enough to spoil the sense of peace that had settled over her. So many of her friends were single that it didn't seem odd for her to be that way as well. They filled up the holes in each other's lives and

Comments

[vilakins]

I've argued that friendship is as powerful as romantic / sexual love many times. It's what I write about.

[labingi]

Go you! It needs to be written about more. As I revisit a lot of my life in terms of these issues, I find that I've always been attracted to stories that work along these friendship-oriented lines (and nervous around stories that work along the more traditional fairytale/courtly romance plot). I think part of why I find it so difficult to find stories I really love is that the romance plots so vastly outnumber the friendship plots.

[vilakins]

And yet it's what people seem to want to read, with the huge emphasis on pairings and shipping and sexual content. I always feel I have a limited audience with my friendship stories (one was even called "The Hand of Friendship") but that's what I'm interested in too and what I'll continue to write.

[labingi]

Very true. Ships are most of what I write. Obviously, sex drive is involved in the emphasis on shipping, but I think a lot of this is culturally constructed. There have been interesting discussions about this in asexual fandom, with many fans noting that they naturally write sex fic and/or feel that they must write sex fic and/or have to/naturally do create sexual pairings/ships. And this, by definition for this population, is not much based on sex drive.

Now, that's different from "romance." One can be an asexual romantic, but I think it is, nonetheless, a telling example of how deeply powerful the social expectations are.

By analogy, how many women in Jane Austen's society would rather marry Mr. Collins than be old maids? It doesn't mean Mr. Collins is a force girls are naturally driven towards; it means that when you aren't given a choice, you usually don't perceive a choice.

[vilakins]

Yes, I think a lot of it's culturally instilled. I've long been aware that I'm not like other women. I used to say that I have bits missing: no interest in having children, romance, buying shoes etc. Although I do have a sex drive, I suspect it's so low as to make me asexual most of the time. I certainly have no interest in what usually drives fandom or is expected to drive women.

That said, I've occasionally written romance for Vila because he's different from me and very lonely with it. He would love to be desired. It's still a minor part of the stories though, which is why I'd still call them gen.

how many women in Jane Austen's society would rather marry Mr. Collins than be old maids?I suspect most of that's due to fear of poverty since women usually didn't inherit money or any sort of security (and in fact still don't under archaic primogeniture). Me, I'd rather be single than put up with him, though Charlotte seemed to carve out her own life and happiness. I've often thought I'd go for the nun's life in those days: no

[labingi]

Sorry for a late reply.

I suspect most of that's due to fear of poverty... Good point. I suspect that, then as now, it really depends on the person: some act based on practical economic fears, some out of broader social pressure, some based on inner needs; some just shuffle off the whole "social expectations" thing...

BTW, by "trapped in this poor country," do mean NZ, a part of NZ? I'm curious because I'm tentatively planning an extended trip to NZ this coming March or so, not least to assess whether it's a place I'd realistically like to take a stab at immigrating to.

[vilakins]

I do mean NZ. It's not doing well economically. We earn less than most people (certainly Australians and Americans) and the dollar's not worth much either. Cost of living has risen 25& in the last few years and pay hasn't gone up at all.

Of course there are people who are happy to immigrate for different reasons: the lifestyle, safety (a.g. a lot of South Africans and Russians), getting close to nature etc. If you'd like to, for example, teach in a small town, you'd be able to find work easily. People like me who need to work in cities either for the type of work or because a partner lives in one, are competing with hundreds of others for each job and a lot of people, including professionals, are out of work.

But hey, see what you think after you've been here! Where are you interested in living? I'd love to move up to say the Bay of Islands and run a B&B or something like that, so it would be very seasonal.

[labingi]

Hm, thanks for the lowdown. It sounds like Oregon! I love living in the country, but socially my life would probably be better served in a city. I'm also a college instructor, so I don't know how many rural places would have college level positions. It sounds like work would be hard to find, rather like in Oregon, I have to say. But I also wouldn't be relocating for at least a few years, so hopefully the economy globally will be getting a little better. Even Oregon is getting a tiny bit better.

[vilakins]

By college, do you mean university / tertiary or high school? "College" here is a sort of high school. If you teach high school, you could find jobs easily; tertiary is generally in cities and I don't know as much about that, but there are lots of places now with the name "university" which would once have been technical institutes. So you have a wide range to choose from, though I can't say anything about job prospects in them.

[labingi]

I teach mainly at "community college" here, which I think is most equivalent to your polytechnic colleges? I've also taught a little at four-year university level. I don't have a teaching credential for high school or lower. Thanks for the info.!

[vilakins]

I think your community colleges offer a wider range of subjects, like languages and astronomy etc. Perhaps now that a lot of our polytechs are calling themselves universities, they do too. They always offer English though, especially since they have so many foreign students.