A while once again...
I haven't updated this in almost three weeks. I just couldn't put anything into words...
Damn, that melodrama makes it sounds so dramatic, when it's just relationship angst. Or end-of-relationship angst, to be more precise.
On July 14th I broke up with Leanne, and she took it badly. I felt terribly guilty about it, something Ben didn't try to help me out with, instead choosing to stay neutral while taking every opportuntiy to make me feel worse about it, although kudos to him for finding a way. I felt so incredibly guilty for breaking things off, even though it was the only thing I could do. I knew I didn't love her; I knew I wasn't ever going to. It was one of those pairings that seemed really desirable beforehand, but after a while I realised that we were less compatible and had less in common than I actually thought. She didn't think this, hence me terrible feelings of guilt when she hung up without giving me chance to explain and hung up when I called back again.
I could have waited until next week, when I was due to go up there anyway, but after thinking about things I realised that that would make things even worse. I know that if someone I had been waiting ages to see travelled over half the country and then dumped me, I would probably hate them forever.
I just got off the phone to Leanne. We agreed to be friends, without ever actually touching on the reasons for the split at all, then I had to go because my dinner was burning. I was building up to broaching the subject, and I think she might have been too, but i can't bring myself to phone her back just yet. I need to adjust my mind to the concept that she doesn't hate me, and that she wants to be friends. And I was so certain that next year was going to be horribly awkward, not just for us two but for people like Ben caught in the middle as well! It's such a relief, but I just wonder if it'll last...
No. If I think like that I'll just convince myself it was all an act, and don't think she was lying. I know I shouldn't feel guilty any more for taking the only course of action open to me, but I just wish it didn't have to be so hard on us, her especially...
Anyway, enough of my catharsis. It feels good to get things out in the open, to put them down in black and white and save them for posterity. I think I'll sleep well tonight now - full update of other stuff coming tomorrow...
Signing off now
Damn, that melodrama makes it sounds so dramatic, when it's just relationship angst. Or end-of-relationship angst, to be more precise.
On July 14th I broke up with Leanne, and she took it badly. I felt terribly guilty about it, something Ben didn't try to help me out with, instead choosing to stay neutral while taking every opportuntiy to make me feel worse about it, although kudos to him for finding a way. I felt so incredibly guilty for breaking things off, even though it was the only thing I could do. I knew I didn't love her; I knew I wasn't ever going to. It was one of those pairings that seemed really desirable beforehand, but after a while I realised that we were less compatible and had less in common than I actually thought. She didn't think this, hence me terrible feelings of guilt when she hung up without giving me chance to explain and hung up when I called back again.
I could have waited until next week, when I was due to go up there anyway, but after thinking about things I realised that that would make things even worse. I know that if someone I had been waiting ages to see travelled over half the country and then dumped me, I would probably hate them forever.
I just got off the phone to Leanne. We agreed to be friends, without ever actually touching on the reasons for the split at all, then I had to go because my dinner was burning. I was building up to broaching the subject, and I think she might have been too, but i can't bring myself to phone her back just yet. I need to adjust my mind to the concept that she doesn't hate me, and that she wants to be friends. And I was so certain that next year was going to be horribly awkward, not just for us two but for people like Ben caught in the middle as well! It's such a relief, but I just wonder if it'll last...
No. If I think like that I'll just convince myself it was all an act, and don't think she was lying. I know I shouldn't feel guilty any more for taking the only course of action open to me, but I just wish it didn't have to be so hard on us, her especially...
Anyway, enough of my catharsis. It feels good to get things out in the open, to put them down in black and white and save them for posterity. I think I'll sleep well tonight now - full update of other stuff coming tomorrow...
Signing off now