there are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how
So I'm sitting here in the basement, listening to my broken washing machine make noises, and that combined with Radiohead got me to thinking. I don't know why, but it just dawned on me how very much I have changed in such a short period of time. I used to be such a closed minded bastard. That's no way to live, and I'm glad I'm different now. I'm much more tolerant of everything now, and I put much more thought into what comes out of my mouth. I'm now more concerned with preserving relationships with people, no matter who they are or how important they are to me; everyone matters. My taste in music has changed drastically; well not really changed, I still love everything I used to just as much, but it just expanded a ridiculous amount. I've just grown so much. Remember straight edge Leah? Remeber the Leah who wouldn't leave her house unless she was spending the night at Dawn's house? Remember the Leah who used to care so much about what everyone thought of her? I do, but I'd like to forget about her. I'm a whole new person. "this summer, and these past few days, has had such a huge impact on the developement of my personality, and figuring out who I really am. Remember how you taught me that everything has a way of working itself out? I still stand by that, and I thank you for it" That's from a letter I gave Matt before he left, and I thought it appropriate. I owe alot of this change to him.
Some other things have changed for the worse, though. I've become alot, bigger? I realize that's really shallow, and I hate it, but I can't help but be unhappy with my body. Especially when everyone I hang out with weighs under 90lbs. and is no taller than 5'3. Being 5'6 and 125 is monsterous compared to them, and I can't stand looking in the mirror. I've been trying really really hard to lose weight, and it just won't come off, and plus my height is a problem I don't even have the power to solve, it's out of my hands. I've just been really self concious lately, not like I haven't been in the past..
I'd just like to be 100% confident in myself at all times, and I'm nowhere near that point. I can't help but feeling that Matt's going to decide he doesn't like me anymore any day now because I'm just not pretty enough. I don't like that feeling.
Speaking of Matt, SPEAKING OF MATT! yes, I'm gonna talk about him freely, I'm sick of living in Sammie's shadow. It's LEAH AND MATT!!!, there is no such thing as "leah matt and sammie". So that's going to change really soon. It's in the past, and this is now. I'm tired of having to bite my tongue around her, or anyone who talks to her, about him and I. You don't see people doing that about sam and jason, whose situation is even more recent, because Sam is mature enough to accept what has already happened. I hate how I'm writing this on my livejournal instead of just saying this to her, but our friendship has grown so awkward ever since August. I think things are going to change, though, for the better.
So I just looked down, and realized I'm wearing 3 items of the exact same color gray clothing, it looks like a fucking TLC jumpsuit. Who cared to know that? I bet you didn't. I need some banana ice cream. FUCK
and stop lying, you exotic bird.
Some other things have changed for the worse, though. I've become alot, bigger? I realize that's really shallow, and I hate it, but I can't help but be unhappy with my body. Especially when everyone I hang out with weighs under 90lbs. and is no taller than 5'3. Being 5'6 and 125 is monsterous compared to them, and I can't stand looking in the mirror. I've been trying really really hard to lose weight, and it just won't come off, and plus my height is a problem I don't even have the power to solve, it's out of my hands. I've just been really self concious lately, not like I haven't been in the past..
I'd just like to be 100% confident in myself at all times, and I'm nowhere near that point. I can't help but feeling that Matt's going to decide he doesn't like me anymore any day now because I'm just not pretty enough. I don't like that feeling.
Speaking of Matt, SPEAKING OF MATT! yes, I'm gonna talk about him freely, I'm sick of living in Sammie's shadow. It's LEAH AND MATT!!!, there is no such thing as "leah matt and sammie". So that's going to change really soon. It's in the past, and this is now. I'm tired of having to bite my tongue around her, or anyone who talks to her, about him and I. You don't see people doing that about sam and jason, whose situation is even more recent, because Sam is mature enough to accept what has already happened. I hate how I'm writing this on my livejournal instead of just saying this to her, but our friendship has grown so awkward ever since August. I think things are going to change, though, for the better.
So I just looked down, and realized I'm wearing 3 items of the exact same color gray clothing, it looks like a fucking TLC jumpsuit. Who cared to know that? I bet you didn't. I need some banana ice cream. FUCK
and stop lying, you exotic bird.