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The other thing I've been doing is working on two poetry collections for a writing competition. I know I won't win, because a) they never give prizes to poetry (it's open format, but the winner will be a short story or essay or script, not poetry. Poetry is too subjective) and b)I haven't got a quantity of stuff I think is really good that also
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I like this, real concrete imagery and a twist to the end that speaks volumes. I thought 'like she owned the world' seemed a bit cliche or telling. Any other imagery that conveys that sense? The last few lines were a little too borken up for me and it felt like I was stumbling all of a sudden. It could reflect the 'you' no longer in control, but I thought a little less broken would help.
Call Me Alice
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'it' in the fifth line seems a little ambiguous. I figure you mean her hair but it could apply to the scissors or the mirror or the bathroom or just about anything. 'Which she put on' feels superfluous. Couldn't you just say 'She put on ...'? Again, ambiguous as to what the shirt is made out of. her hair or the white cloth? Is it a cloth? To me, that says teatwoel or facecloth. Should it be a towel? The concept is great, could you add some tinge of the fact that she isn't waiting around for prince charming any more? I don't know how, but it would be nice IMO.
After Alzeihmer
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There's something a little odd about this one. I'm getting a lot of telling about how this guy feels, could you show him being surprised instead? Set up moments where his actions show how he is being left behind? The final couplet appears to tell the reader what the poem is about, which seems to be unnecessary if the poem comes out right.
For Josephine
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I've commented on this before haven't I? LEt's look at it in context anyway.
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This one's perfect.
As a group they seem to talk about different types of love, or dealing with love, or loss of love. Except for Alzeimer's. There is, of course, a familial love thing there sort of, but it doesn't seem to be a part of the other three as strongly. Perhaps in reworking, dealing with love will be a bigger part, rather than the tragedy of age?
Mabel Forgets How To Sing
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I think you could lose the first stanza. Strange but sweet image of words as fruit to be shared.
Ever, Never Forever
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Bed cloaked the window sill?
Laughing on the Inside
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Seems to be three things here. The rolling around, 'You shouldn't have to write' and 'why are my feelings flying away.' I'm not sure how they interrelate. I could see the second two forming a poem about wriitng in the heart and notebooks of emotion and losing the pages, but I can't make the leap to rolling around in a mixture of what appears to be grief and joy. Both seem like worthy topics though.
What It's Like
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The last one works well. Could you devote more to the relationship through wires rather than I feel I thought? Or, again, show something that allows the reader to understand the speaker is thinking and feeling these things?
The second set seem to be about relationships and love as well. Is there any particular reason you split them up? The second ones almost seemed to be about communication whereas the first were glimpses of different ways of dealing with love.
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