so i had this really sweet reply...and then my comp died. so yeah...lemme see if i remember what i said... :P
basically...dont be sorry. you dont want to feel that, i dont want to hear it. i think you misunderstood some of what i'm saying and i think some of it warrants explanations that might be difficult to give, because it's not black and white...
i dont regret my time here, nor do i regret the friendships i made and soldified, especially at the end of high school. some of my best times were spent doing theatre and hanging out with everyone. just last night i was reading old LJ entries during my time dating tim and during crazy for you and everything...it was really interesting. and it realllllly made me miss everything that we all had. i really think it was something special. and it's definitely something i won't be forgetting anytime soon.
during the boyfriend, for instance, you, gi, lindsey, julie...everyone really helped me to branch out. i remember ron pulling my mother and i aside after our last show and telling her "see...who woulda thought that that girl who was so scared to sing in front of everyone on the first day would have just done that?". and it made me so immensely proud of mysel, but also thankful that i had people to push me to do it. you all had my best interest at heart, and i AM grateful for that.
or in crazy for you, i remember a couple times specifically, you singing with me. to keep me on key, to keep kim off my back for not singing loud enough, and to ease my nerves. i dont know if i ever told you how much little things like that meant to me...you all helped me get over the nerves...i got a really great part and did pretty well and had a BLAST and a half doing it. and your support and encouragement did help.
but what i feel is that i reached a plateau of sorts at home. not professionally...god knows i have SO much work to do and everything...but rather in terms of my coming out of the shell process or whatever. i grew a lot my senior year especially, and i needed the change to continue the growth. i needed new types of people in my life and i needed a new, even more challenging atmosphere. i'm not saying i was too good for sac or anything like that, but rather to continue my growth and personal happiness, i needed out.
rctc and "that group" became like a vicious cycle to me. everyone had known eachother so long, it was almost incestual...it's like living in a small town or going to the same school for so long -- people end up knowing everything about you and your past and present and it got to be too much. life was a little too intertwined and i needed a bigger atmosphere with people who were a little more unaware of who i HAD BEEN and could be more open to who i WAS. i feel like i still always had a little bit of a cloud over my head back here, to be honest. i always had that underlying connection of the awful things in life.
i love you all so much and i miss you more than i say. I'M sorry if you don't see that.
basically...dont be sorry. you dont want to feel that, i dont want to hear it. i think you misunderstood some of what i'm saying and i think some of it warrants explanations that might be difficult to give, because it's not black and white...
i dont regret my time here, nor do i regret the friendships i made and soldified, especially at the end of high school. some of my best times were spent doing theatre and hanging out with everyone. just last night i was reading old LJ entries during my time dating tim and during crazy for you and everything...it was really interesting. and it realllllly made me miss everything that we all had. i really think it was something special. and it's definitely something i won't be forgetting anytime soon.
during the boyfriend, for instance, you, gi, lindsey, julie...everyone really helped me to branch out. i remember ron pulling my mother and i aside after our last show and telling her "see...who woulda thought that that girl who was so scared to sing in front of everyone on the first day would have just done that?". and it made me so immensely proud of mysel, but also thankful that i had people to push me to do it. you all had my best interest at heart, and i AM grateful for that.
or in crazy for you, i remember a couple times specifically, you singing with me. to keep me on key, to keep kim off my back for not singing loud enough, and to ease my nerves. i dont know if i ever told you how much little things like that meant to me...you all helped me get over the nerves...i got a really great part and did pretty well and had a BLAST and a half doing it. and your support and encouragement did help.
but what i feel is that i reached a plateau of sorts at home. not professionally...god knows i have SO much work to do and everything...but rather in terms of my coming out of the shell process or whatever. i grew a lot my senior year especially, and i needed the change to continue the growth. i needed new types of people in my life and i needed a new, even more challenging atmosphere. i'm not saying i was too good for sac or anything like that, but rather to continue my growth and personal happiness, i needed out.
rctc and "that group" became like a vicious cycle to me. everyone had known eachother so long, it was almost incestual...it's like living in a small town or going to the same school for so long -- people end up knowing everything about you and your past and present and it got to be too much. life was a little too intertwined and i needed a bigger atmosphere with people who were a little more unaware of who i HAD BEEN and could be more open to who i WAS. i feel like i still always had a little bit of a cloud over my head back here, to be honest. i always had that underlying connection of the awful things in life.
i love you all so much and i miss you more than i say. I'M sorry if you don't see that.
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