It's no wonder I can love you the way that I do.
Okay, my little ones, the time has come. The day is finally upon us. (Tomorrow.)
Yes, this is a day early, but I figured we could just kick off the celebration in advance since I go back to classes tomorrow and I'd rather not have it looming over my head all day. BUT BASICALLY DECEMBER 1st IS GODDESS BETTE MIDLER'S 64th BIRTHDAY. And 16 x 4 = 64 (for all of you who are as mathematically-challenged as I am at heart), so I decided that we should all get in the spirit and celebrate her super sweet 16 ...x4. Last year I picspam'd, but I felt that this year warranted something more.
This post spans her movies, music, and God knows what else, and I've had it in the works for I don't even know how long. I tried to make use of lesser-known aspects of her career; I talk about the movies you presumably haven't seen (but you should), the songs they didn't put on her greatest hits albums (but deserve to be on them all the same), and the pictures that were never front-page material (but are in my book). If you take anything at all away from it, awesome. If not, that's cool, too, because essentially this is just me taking full advantage of an excuse to be even more Bette-crazed than I already am on a daily basis. And saying a generous thank you from the bottom of my heart to Ruth and Fred Midler, wherever you are up there in the sky, for bringing my favorite person on the planet into existence 64 years ago.
Blah, blah, whatever, rambling, HURRS WE GO.
Happy 64th, Miss M - ♥
(Also, what, how is that the bod of a 64-year-old.)
Part 1 || 16 movies you should (probably) see
The Rose || 1979
People say this is Bette's best movie. I don't know if I'd say it's her ~best one ever~, but her performance is hauntingly beautiful and my lady was certainly Oscar-nominated for her first film role for a reason. Sally Field, my ass. (Jkjk, I ♥ Sally and Norma Rae was total Oscar-worthy material. If Bette had to lose to anyone, I'm at least glad it was the woman who's going to play my mother in the Lifetime movie that will one day made about my life.) But anyway. See this movie yesterday, listen to "The Rose" for hours on end, repeat.
Down and Out in Beverly Hills || 1986
Bette made Down and Out after a period of not being able to get any work; she had just done this total failure of a movie called Jinxed! (no, it was bad) and pretty much no one in Hollywood wanted to hire her. But they took a chance and signed her on for this movie with Nick Nolte (creep) and Richard Dreyfuss and it put her right back on the map. Which I don't understand, because, uh, it's a little baffling, for lack of a better word. I watched it with a friend once and we were basically like "..." the entire time, but Bette's glam-tastic and fierce and has a lot of totally random sex throughout. So. There's some appeal?
Ruthless People || 1986
Typical '80s crack at its finest. In short, Bette gets kidnapped and held for a ridiculous ransom, but her husband, played by Danny DeVito, does not enjoy her enough (how FICTIONAL, honestly, who wouldn't enjoy having Bette as a wife) to pay it. So Bette fights back and wears a crap ton of animal print and sticks it to him.
Outrageous Fortune || 1987
MORE '80s CRACK. This was the film that started Bette's unexplainable and now apparently life-long rivalry with Shelley Long. And basically the only reason you need to see it is because there's a scene in which they both dress up in drag and pay a visit to a western brothel. (Also, Bette was pregnant with Sophie at the time and if you look really closely in a few of the scenes, you can see her ickle baby bump. B'awb'aw. ♥)
Big Business || 1988
Lily Tomlin and Bette Midler. In the same film. I really don't think other words need to be said. Other than the fact that Bette is the embodiment of the original Miranda Priestly in this movie and I'm pretty sure this movie was where Meryl Streep learned how the role of the bitchy boss is done.
Beaches || 1988
If you haven't seen this movie, see. this. movie. Classic. And stupidly sad. But one of my favorite favorites in the entire world. (True life, I watch it probably once a month. At this point I think it's just kind of become some weird catharsis thing. It also doesn't hurt that it's the story of my friendship with Malvina? Except we didn't meet on some sketchy Atlantic City boardwalk. And this picture we got taken at her sweet sixteen was completely unplanned and we flipped our lids when she got it back. I swear to Midler.) ALSO BETTE PRODUCED THIS. Wooo, producer Bette~.
Stella || 1990
This is that movie no one has ever heard of of probably even knows Bette was in. It's that under-appreciated gem that every star has that probably only the really X-C0R3 fans have seen. And while it really wasn't the type of film that'd be a box office smash (which it obviously wasn't), I think it's honestly one of her best on-screen performances. It's about a quirky mother-daughter relationship and how it evolves through the years and how the mother has to learn to let go, yada yada. But it's another sad one. UGH BETTE, WHY.
Scenes from a Mall || 1990
Scenes from a Mall is basically just one giant wtf moment. Paul Mazurksy also directed Bette in Down and Out in Beverly Hills and he is really just not my cup of tea. But Bette and Woody Allen play this married couple that goes to the mall on their anniversary, and a lot of fighting occurs in public, but then they reconcile and have sex in a movie theatre. So I guess it's all good.
For the Boys || 1991
UNDERAPPRECIATED FILM, let me show you it. Bette has said on numerous occasions that For the Boys was such a labor of love for her and she really put her heart and soul into the filming and production, and then it ended up being this total flop at the box office. It shows the effects of war over several generations and it's one of those movies that just made me go "damn" at so many different points. Also, Bette was nominated for Best Actress; eff you, Jodie Foster and your damn Silence of the Lambs whatever.
Hocus Pocus || 1993
If you've never seen this, I don't even want to speak to you. This either means that 1) you probably have no soul or 2) you were not a child of the '90s in America. And this is one of the only movies in the world that I can quote backwards and forwards, so if you're one of those people without a soul who'll be watching it for the first time after reading this sentence (I'm serious, go), don't watch it with me. Because you'll regret it. (And straight from Bette's own mouth: “That was my finest hour. I was fantastic in that movie. In fact, I‘ve been rotten in couple of movies, but not that one. I was really hilarious in that.”)
The First Wives Club || 1996
PRIME. In a nutshell, bust out First Wives if you are in a rotten mood and I promise you'll feel better afterwards. The first time I saw it I wasn't too crazy over it, but after seeing it about 600 times since that day, it really has grown on me. Despite my distaste for Diane Keaton. (Shun me.) Let's dance, shall we? YOU DON'T OOOOWN MEEEEEE.
That Old Feeling || 1998
That Old Feeling is like Scenes from a Mall, only significantly more enjoyable: lots of public fighting, sex in a car, a gorgeous Bette-tastic rendition of Nat King Cole's "Somewhere Along the Way," then more sex in some other random places. (Having sex at inapprop times is a running theme in Bette's movies, didn't anyone tell you?) And Bette also says that she hopes someone is a "fucking raisin." It's a gud one.
Isn't She Great || 2000
Campcampcamp. And more camp. I was mad about this movie when I first saw it, and while it's really not that great, the camp just somehow works for all the characters. And I LOVE IT in all of its somewhat-mediocrity, because Bette gets to make use of her signature vulgar mouth, wear a plethora of vintage duds, and rock a head of foxy dark hair. And also you really just can't go wrong with Stockard Channing and Bette in the same film. Undeniable fact.
The Stepford Wives || 2004
Little known fact: I actually hated this movie. Mostly because the cast was so star-studded and phenomenal that I think I was expecting something so totally opposite of what it really ended up being. Because, I mean, come on, Bette and Nicole Kidman and Glenn Close and I don't even know who else, all in one movie? Excellence, right? Total blasphemy. It's nice for a good laugh (AND ALSO BETTE LOOKS GORGEOUS UP THERE, LET'S NOT DENY), but cinematic genius it is not.
Then She Found Me || 2007
Omgomg cutest film. Bette gets to show off her momma side in a serious way in Then She Found Me - though at times not in the way you would think - and I love it inane amounts. Helen Hunt really did a nice job with her first stab at directing and I cannot recommend this movie enough, even though a lot of people really haven't heard of it. ("Speak English." "I fucked him at a drive-in.")
The Women || 2008
Bette was in this movie for a grand total of probably 4 minutes, but that's not to say that those 4 minutes weren't among the greatest of my life. Bette plays a total stoner and if that's not magical to you, then I seriously have no idea what your idea of magical is.
Part 2 || 16 quotes that are (probably) accurate
“…I’m a split personality. There’s part of me that says be good, pay your taxes, don’t go off the deep end. And then there’s the other part of me that wants to spit in the subway and show my bazooms…”
“It’s best not to be too pompous about yourself. It’s better not to need a limousine for your head. Although people think I’m just 'divine,' I have my share of worries. I worry about growing old and losing my shape, my looks, my hair. As an entertainer, that’s my stock and trade. Oh, and I also worry that I don’t dance as well as Michael Jackson.”
“I always try to balance the light with the heavy - a few tears of human spirit in with the sequins and the fringes.”
“Make sure that life is a rare entertainment!
It doesn’t take anything drastic.
You needn’t be gorgeous or wealthy or smart,
Just very enthusiastic!”
- from The Saga of Baby Divine
“I’m very happy to be here as a politically active Hollywood woman. I used to be a sexually active Hollywood woman, but these days politics is much safer.”
“Rap is poetry set to music. But to me it’s like a jackhammer.”
“I became more sure of myself as a person when I took the anti-advertising stand and decided I wouldn’t let them tell me what personality to have. When I decided that I didn’t want to look the way they wanted me to look and decided that I would look exactly the opposite way and do it just the opposite of the way they were telling me to do it. That’s when I took control of my own destiny and that’s when the success started happening.”
“I consider myself a New Yorker. I’ve had a lot of good times in New York, and I’ve had a lot of success. I’ve put a lot of effort into the city, and I really love it, but I was born and brought up in Hawaii. I go there at least a couple of times a year, and I still feel like a Hawaiian. You know, you’re always happiest in your childhood home. My heart is there. That’s where I’m comfortable.”
“If you let your character define your personality instead of keeping your true self separate, your character will get you.”
“I'd make a wonderful Lady Macbeth. I'll wear a pair of platform shoes or something.”
“The work means too much to me. You know, the construction of the performance, and the timing, and the way it looks, and the way it sounds, and all that stuff. I'm very serious about it...I would like to do something in this business that's not necessarily what I do. I'd like to create a little character, you know, that will change people's lives, or give them something that they have lost, or have never seen.”
“I wouldn't say I invented tacky, but I definitely brought it to its present high popularity.”
“You know, I like people to make me laugh. It’s the only way to survive. The whole thing, after all, is one big joke. So, whatever anyone wants to think about me is fine. That’s what I’m here for, that’s my role. I can be an object of love, hate, it doesn’t matter. As long as I like myself.”
“I think that people should never stop working no matter how old they are. I think there should be no such thing as retirement. Retirement is the pathway to an early grave. When you loose your work and what interests you, you lose your will to live, and I’m not that kind of person.”
“Cherish forever what makes you unique, ‘cuz you’re really a yawn if it goes.”
“Find your light. They can’t love you if they can’t see you.”
- from "The Showgirl Must Go On"
Part 3 || 16 songs you've (probably) never heard
Superstar || The Divine Miss M (1972)
Long ago and so far away,
I fell in love with you before the second show
And your guitar just sounds so sweet and clear,
But you're not really here; it's just the radio
I Shall Be Released || Bette Midler (1973)
But I see my light come shining, shining, shining
From the west straight on down to the east
Ah, any day now, any, any old day now
I am going to, I am going to be released
Strangers in the Night || Songs for the New Depression (1976)
Two lonely people, we were strangers in the night
Up to the moment we said our first hello, little did we know
That love was just a glance away, a warm, embracing dance away
Birds || Live at Last - Live (1977)
And you see me fly away without you
My shadow on the things you know
My feathers, they fall all around you
They show you the way to go
Hang On In There, Baby || Thighs and Whispers (1979)
Hang on in there, baby; hang on in there, doll
I'm gonna give you more than you've ever dreamed possible
Shiver Me Timbers || Divine Madness! - Live (1980)
Well I'm leavin' my family, I'm leavin' all my friends
My body's at home, but my heart's in the wind
And the clouds are like headlines upon a new front page sky
My tears are salt water; the moon's full and high
Favorite Waste of Time || No Frills (1983)
Here I am, I'm playing daydreaming fool again, my favorite game
And you're the one who's got my head in the clouds above
You're the one that I love, and you're my baby,
You're my favorite waste of time
I Believe In You || Bette of Roses (1995)
Well, I don't believe in superstars
In fancy food or foreign cars
That Haagen Daaz and motherhood
Have done my body any good
I'm Beautiful || Bathhouse Betty (1998)
"Don't just pussy foot around and sit on your assets:
Unleash your ferocity upon an unsuspecting world;
Rise up and repeat after me: 'I'm beautiful!"
Lullaby in Blue || Bathhouse Betty (1998)
They called me a stupid girl, just like my mom
Too many men passed through my arms
At seventeen I looked into your eyes,
Knew I could never comfort your cries
Every April still reminds me of you
Nobody Else But You || Bette (2000)
Who loves me even though I'm crazy?
And nothing that I say is true
Who won my heart and soul forever?
It's nobody else but you
On a Slow Boat To China (duet w/Barry Manilow) || Bette Midler Sings the Rosemary Clooney Songbook (2003)
I'm gonna get you on a slow boat to China
All to myself alone, I'm gonna make you mine
Get you and keep you in my band evermore;
Leave all the others on the shore
September (Live) || Kiss My Brass Tour (2003/4)
Have we learned our lesson, or would we do it all again?
Will we keep on second-guessing what's as plain as anything?
I know they said we had it comin'
But I've seen some things I never thought I'd see
In my life
Is That All There Is? || Bette Midler Sings the Peggy Lee Songbook (2005)
If that's all there is, my friends,
Then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is
Mele Kalikimaka || Cool Yule (2006)
Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say
On a bright Hawaiian Christmas day
That's the island greeting that we send to you
From the land where palm trees sway
Wind Beneath My Wings (Live) || The Showgirl Must Go On (2008/9)
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wished I could be
Oh, and I, I can fly higher than an eagle
Because you, you are the wind beneath my wings
Part 4 || 16 pictures you will (probably) adore
I don't know about you, but I'm freakin' exhausted. But please, join me again next year for the 65th divine installment in the Bette Midler birthday collection. Only 366 more days to go!