(no subject)
Hey, I still remember this. It’s still a good place to talk to the ghosts I suppose and get my feelings out. Before getting into the nitty gritty, I suppose I’ll talk about myself; vanity much? But these are all key points of what I’ve been thinking as of late, and they are all interwoven. I don’t mean to be insulting, so anyone that reads this, please do not take offense.
I’ll start with a small story: a long time ago when I was young, I killed a dragonfly. It didn’t do anything to me, and afterwards it pained me. That said, I don’t like hurting others. This is normal behavior, although for me PTSD seems to be included. When I hurt someone it weighs heavy and sometimes follows me into my dreams, so I try to live my life with that in mind. One of my favorite examples is from the movie "Scrooged", when the Ghost of Christmas Future shows Lumpy what his words and actions did to Claire, a person he cared about. It has led more than a bit to who I am and why I do some of the weird things I do. Don’t be surprised if you get a long winded apology if I feel that I’ve hurt you.
That said, this doesn’t make me an angel; nor do I pretend to be one. At times I’m an assertive asshole. I’m a strong-willed male that likes getting my way, to say otherwise would be to lie; however, as was pointed out to me by Steve, who is a jerk, when I realize that my actions are hurting someone, I stop. Lauren, one of my old "friends", was a feminist and was always trying to get me to feel bad about being a "man". I won’t apologize for what I am, but I will apologize for the actions I take and feelings I hurt. Now then, this applies to friends, innocents, and in general people that don’t intently try to piss me off. If you’re a predator, and on my ground no less, I’m gonna fuck you up. At work, one of the latest temporary workers were brought in last Monday. I didn’t realize it until Friday, but my workplace had become a bit more of a toxic environment. Last Friday I was trying to figure out why I felt like someone at my throat and didn’t want to look this kid in the eye. He hadn’t said anything insulting, but he had that way of talking that hinted that he was going to. He got to know a little about me over the course of a few days, and then on Friday he was ready. Little slow right? Well, when I don’t know exactly what I’m dealing with, I don’t take action or draw attention to myself, I observe. So when I walked into the filling room my friend Bogey told me I had something on my back, a sticker that said, "Kick me really hard in my ass". The only thing I managed to stumble out was, "Who?". John, another worker, informed me that it was that one temporary worker. Clarity filled me, and I realized what this kid was: a predator. I suppose it’s my fault, after all it’s in my nature to be quiet and awkward, natural prey right? Wrong. The puppy was gone, and I was fully conscious now to what was going on, and what I was going to do. After stewing over it for a good thirty minutes, the temp and a few others came round back and asked for my help. Nothing halts a bully in his tracks like public humiliation. He tried a quick insult jab at me, from which I did one of my parries, and then proceeded to mock him in every small, non-committed way I could. Within a few minutes I had three guys laughing at him. It wasn’t hard, and I enjoyed watching his eventual defeated walk out of the room. Most people don’t realize this, but I can be a really, really, mean person; because when I want to insult, I don’t use things like "fuck you" or "cocksucker", I don’t need to, this kid knows he’s a loser, I’m merely reminding him why. When he came back I didn’t continue with my aggressive campaign, he halted his futile efforts and even started showing respect towards me and others in those stupid ways that men do.
After this toxic adventure, I used the experience to relate towards another atmosphere that I believe has become toxic for me: class on Wednesday. It’s come to the point where I no longer find class fun, or even a place I want to be at. Not that I believe that there are predators at class, but things have gotten beyond awkward for me and one person: Tobin. Most people will probably just assume that I’m jealous, spiteful, or some other such business. I have an aversion to the man, because I cannot stand his hubris; it is insufferable. I’ve left the subject alone because I thought I was being dramatic or threatening to create drama and that it was all in my head. No, it’s not in my head, there’s a problem, and I have a very good reason for bringing up the subject. To those that cry jealousy, I have only the highest respect for his skill. I’ve watched his advancement with a single-sword grow leaps and bounds, to the point where if I have only a single-sword I have to change what I do with the blade to stand a chance. It is the same with the glaive. If I don’t have a shield or second blade, I stand almost no chance now. He has sparred against me for three years, so he knows the routine things I do. To a warrior trying to learn, a challenge such as this is a good route for learning. Instead, our sparring matches have become an awkward stumbling. There’s been a decisive change in his attitude when he fights me, from what I’ve gathered he’s far more serious then he used to be, far less comfortable, and less likely to take risks. Maybe he’s afraid of losing to me? Not that I would know why. Perhaps the idea of losing to a purple belt is too much to take. Maybe some unresolved issue regarding me? That would be my guess, but he’s not likely to talk. Regardless, I have to try. I’m tired of constantly being insulted by this guy. Insults shouldn’t get to me, but the consistency from a supposed peer has got me fed up. Whether he even realizes if he’s insulting me is questionable. Nevertheless, I have to wear the jester’s cap when I spar him, otherwise my anger and aggression will go unchecked. Every time I bring up the subject to someone, I get the, "Well, that’s Tobin" response. I understand that I’m not a "black belt", but isn’t excessive pride a bad thing? Excuse my language, but I thought that it was because of this negative influence, this pride, this line of thinking that resulted in the school being formed. As an example: I loaned my dane-axe out, and it wasn’t used. When I asked why, Heather gave a reasonable excuse, Rose did too, Tobin flat out insulted me by saying it was unsafe and that the head would fly off. Okay, despite not actually using the weapon, am I to assume Heather and Rose lied to me? If my stuff is junk, just tell me. Pride is not good for his own education either, I’ve seen it firsthand. Either way, I’ll have to talk to him, and try to resolve this issue. Maybe I’ll try this Wednesday, maybe I’ll think about it a little longer.
I’ll start with a small story: a long time ago when I was young, I killed a dragonfly. It didn’t do anything to me, and afterwards it pained me. That said, I don’t like hurting others. This is normal behavior, although for me PTSD seems to be included. When I hurt someone it weighs heavy and sometimes follows me into my dreams, so I try to live my life with that in mind. One of my favorite examples is from the movie "Scrooged", when the Ghost of Christmas Future shows Lumpy what his words and actions did to Claire, a person he cared about. It has led more than a bit to who I am and why I do some of the weird things I do. Don’t be surprised if you get a long winded apology if I feel that I’ve hurt you.
That said, this doesn’t make me an angel; nor do I pretend to be one. At times I’m an assertive asshole. I’m a strong-willed male that likes getting my way, to say otherwise would be to lie; however, as was pointed out to me by Steve, who is a jerk, when I realize that my actions are hurting someone, I stop. Lauren, one of my old "friends", was a feminist and was always trying to get me to feel bad about being a "man". I won’t apologize for what I am, but I will apologize for the actions I take and feelings I hurt. Now then, this applies to friends, innocents, and in general people that don’t intently try to piss me off. If you’re a predator, and on my ground no less, I’m gonna fuck you up. At work, one of the latest temporary workers were brought in last Monday. I didn’t realize it until Friday, but my workplace had become a bit more of a toxic environment. Last Friday I was trying to figure out why I felt like someone at my throat and didn’t want to look this kid in the eye. He hadn’t said anything insulting, but he had that way of talking that hinted that he was going to. He got to know a little about me over the course of a few days, and then on Friday he was ready. Little slow right? Well, when I don’t know exactly what I’m dealing with, I don’t take action or draw attention to myself, I observe. So when I walked into the filling room my friend Bogey told me I had something on my back, a sticker that said, "Kick me really hard in my ass". The only thing I managed to stumble out was, "Who?". John, another worker, informed me that it was that one temporary worker. Clarity filled me, and I realized what this kid was: a predator. I suppose it’s my fault, after all it’s in my nature to be quiet and awkward, natural prey right? Wrong. The puppy was gone, and I was fully conscious now to what was going on, and what I was going to do. After stewing over it for a good thirty minutes, the temp and a few others came round back and asked for my help. Nothing halts a bully in his tracks like public humiliation. He tried a quick insult jab at me, from which I did one of my parries, and then proceeded to mock him in every small, non-committed way I could. Within a few minutes I had three guys laughing at him. It wasn’t hard, and I enjoyed watching his eventual defeated walk out of the room. Most people don’t realize this, but I can be a really, really, mean person; because when I want to insult, I don’t use things like "fuck you" or "cocksucker", I don’t need to, this kid knows he’s a loser, I’m merely reminding him why. When he came back I didn’t continue with my aggressive campaign, he halted his futile efforts and even started showing respect towards me and others in those stupid ways that men do.
After this toxic adventure, I used the experience to relate towards another atmosphere that I believe has become toxic for me: class on Wednesday. It’s come to the point where I no longer find class fun, or even a place I want to be at. Not that I believe that there are predators at class, but things have gotten beyond awkward for me and one person: Tobin. Most people will probably just assume that I’m jealous, spiteful, or some other such business. I have an aversion to the man, because I cannot stand his hubris; it is insufferable. I’ve left the subject alone because I thought I was being dramatic or threatening to create drama and that it was all in my head. No, it’s not in my head, there’s a problem, and I have a very good reason for bringing up the subject. To those that cry jealousy, I have only the highest respect for his skill. I’ve watched his advancement with a single-sword grow leaps and bounds, to the point where if I have only a single-sword I have to change what I do with the blade to stand a chance. It is the same with the glaive. If I don’t have a shield or second blade, I stand almost no chance now. He has sparred against me for three years, so he knows the routine things I do. To a warrior trying to learn, a challenge such as this is a good route for learning. Instead, our sparring matches have become an awkward stumbling. There’s been a decisive change in his attitude when he fights me, from what I’ve gathered he’s far more serious then he used to be, far less comfortable, and less likely to take risks. Maybe he’s afraid of losing to me? Not that I would know why. Perhaps the idea of losing to a purple belt is too much to take. Maybe some unresolved issue regarding me? That would be my guess, but he’s not likely to talk. Regardless, I have to try. I’m tired of constantly being insulted by this guy. Insults shouldn’t get to me, but the consistency from a supposed peer has got me fed up. Whether he even realizes if he’s insulting me is questionable. Nevertheless, I have to wear the jester’s cap when I spar him, otherwise my anger and aggression will go unchecked. Every time I bring up the subject to someone, I get the, "Well, that’s Tobin" response. I understand that I’m not a "black belt", but isn’t excessive pride a bad thing? Excuse my language, but I thought that it was because of this negative influence, this pride, this line of thinking that resulted in the school being formed. As an example: I loaned my dane-axe out, and it wasn’t used. When I asked why, Heather gave a reasonable excuse, Rose did too, Tobin flat out insulted me by saying it was unsafe and that the head would fly off. Okay, despite not actually using the weapon, am I to assume Heather and Rose lied to me? If my stuff is junk, just tell me. Pride is not good for his own education either, I’ve seen it firsthand. Either way, I’ll have to talk to him, and try to resolve this issue. Maybe I’ll try this Wednesday, maybe I’ll think about it a little longer.