goodbye
i feel like throwing up.
i am so sick and tired of making mistakes and even more tired of no one ever fucking forgiving me when i make them. i am sorry. i am soooo sorry; i realize that i've fucked up that i continue to fuck up, but tell me one person who doesn't? i already feel like a whore every single day for that, i mean it's a joke, but it's the truth too.
if i could reverse just one moment, without a question that night when i listened to travis and went and decided so much more than i was ready to decide would be erased. if i ever regret anything, it is going that night and letting everything i held up as right go out the window. but i got what i deserved; the greatest insecurities and fear of true intimacy in the world. mike was never the compulsive liar; i stole that title years before i ever met him. i don't know why i keep doing it, i don't know why i let myself continuously manufacture lie after lie after lie...for fun, for amusement, for absolutley no reason at all. And i can't even lie when it's important; the things that i should keep secret i need the world to know; i need that honesty for anything real...i just wish that-why can't i just do it? i just wish i didn't keep fucking everything up
i just couldn't bear to look at you today and realize that i was the cause of your hurt.
because as much as i ever try to deny it, if i wasn't in his life, in your life, it would never have happened.
with anyone.
you would not be in this situation, however much better at this point, if it wasn't for me.it would not have been just an easy substitute, he is better than that.
i am so sorry. i hope that some day you can forgive me and know that i never meant to hurt you; and that i was just selfish and naive and delusioned. i didn't want to hurt you but under it all i knew i would. i couldn't have been more manipulative or aware of the consequences. i just didn't care, i am so incredibly selfish, and that is what makes it all so dispicable
i had this all planned out in my head, and it sounded so perfect but, like my best made plans, karma pulled the carpet out from under me. i know that i deserve it; i know that god is just giving me exactly what i deserve, and i can only say that i am sorry and that i am one hundred and fifty percent guilty, because not only was i willing but i instigated a scenario and manipulated the truth and the situation and feelings. more than once.
i take full responsiblity. and i honestly never meant to hurt you. any of you...
god...i just need to leave. to dissappear and erase everything. i'm so isolated here anyway. i set up an illusion at the beginning of this summer that i would always be surrounded by the safety and the love and the comfortable happiness that my friends are, and now i realize that that could have been the biggest lie of all. i realized for real today that i really am alone here, that everyone is gone, and i absolutely hate myself for not making a better effort to make friends here...And right now some drunk girls just banged on my door and asked me if i wanted to go out and i lied and said i had a sociology paper and couldn't...a complete and total lie. i'm quite convinced i dig my own grave...today was lonely, desite pasketti and too many friends episodes...mishaun came back and reminded me why i'm scared to death of my roommate in the fall, and my car broke down again and i am stressed out and scared and i dunno what i need but i need it quick...something appealing is in the drawer next to me, but i don't know if i can stop again and i dunno if i'd want to.it would be so easy...
never say this is the worst things can get. movies teach us just the opposite.
and in those regards, i am alex. undoubtably, no questions asked, i am.
does the pain at least make more sense now? does the nostalgia have more of a source?
well tomorrow we have a field trip to a funeral home for religious studies...so maybe just maybe...
i always try to have hope in tomorrow...but at this point...
thank you and goodbye to everyone who has made this all so wonderful. i'm so sorry i ruined things. i really did love all of you and i'm so sorry that i did nothing but hurt.i think that this time i can't fix what i fucked up.
i am so sick and tired of making mistakes and even more tired of no one ever fucking forgiving me when i make them. i am sorry. i am soooo sorry; i realize that i've fucked up that i continue to fuck up, but tell me one person who doesn't? i already feel like a whore every single day for that, i mean it's a joke, but it's the truth too.
if i could reverse just one moment, without a question that night when i listened to travis and went and decided so much more than i was ready to decide would be erased. if i ever regret anything, it is going that night and letting everything i held up as right go out the window. but i got what i deserved; the greatest insecurities and fear of true intimacy in the world. mike was never the compulsive liar; i stole that title years before i ever met him. i don't know why i keep doing it, i don't know why i let myself continuously manufacture lie after lie after lie...for fun, for amusement, for absolutley no reason at all. And i can't even lie when it's important; the things that i should keep secret i need the world to know; i need that honesty for anything real...i just wish that-why can't i just do it? i just wish i didn't keep fucking everything up
i just couldn't bear to look at you today and realize that i was the cause of your hurt.
because as much as i ever try to deny it, if i wasn't in his life, in your life, it would never have happened.
with anyone.
you would not be in this situation, however much better at this point, if it wasn't for me.it would not have been just an easy substitute, he is better than that.
i am so sorry. i hope that some day you can forgive me and know that i never meant to hurt you; and that i was just selfish and naive and delusioned. i didn't want to hurt you but under it all i knew i would. i couldn't have been more manipulative or aware of the consequences. i just didn't care, i am so incredibly selfish, and that is what makes it all so dispicable
i had this all planned out in my head, and it sounded so perfect but, like my best made plans, karma pulled the carpet out from under me. i know that i deserve it; i know that god is just giving me exactly what i deserve, and i can only say that i am sorry and that i am one hundred and fifty percent guilty, because not only was i willing but i instigated a scenario and manipulated the truth and the situation and feelings. more than once.
i take full responsiblity. and i honestly never meant to hurt you. any of you...
god...i just need to leave. to dissappear and erase everything. i'm so isolated here anyway. i set up an illusion at the beginning of this summer that i would always be surrounded by the safety and the love and the comfortable happiness that my friends are, and now i realize that that could have been the biggest lie of all. i realized for real today that i really am alone here, that everyone is gone, and i absolutely hate myself for not making a better effort to make friends here...And right now some drunk girls just banged on my door and asked me if i wanted to go out and i lied and said i had a sociology paper and couldn't...a complete and total lie. i'm quite convinced i dig my own grave...today was lonely, desite pasketti and too many friends episodes...mishaun came back and reminded me why i'm scared to death of my roommate in the fall, and my car broke down again and i am stressed out and scared and i dunno what i need but i need it quick...something appealing is in the drawer next to me, but i don't know if i can stop again and i dunno if i'd want to.it would be so easy...
never say this is the worst things can get. movies teach us just the opposite.
and in those regards, i am alex. undoubtably, no questions asked, i am.
does the pain at least make more sense now? does the nostalgia have more of a source?
well tomorrow we have a field trip to a funeral home for religious studies...so maybe just maybe...
i always try to have hope in tomorrow...but at this point...
thank you and goodbye to everyone who has made this all so wonderful. i'm so sorry i ruined things. i really did love all of you and i'm so sorry that i did nothing but hurt.i think that this time i can't fix what i fucked up.