(no subject)
This evening I have been sitting on my bed watching the flickering of flames from the candles on my desk. I watch the little pool of melting wax around the wick and the wax gently running down the side of the candle, forming diffrent shapes.
As I watch, my head spins. 'The confusing workings in my mind, must be processed into words.' I think to myself.
Today was the first day of my holidays, it was lovely and lazy and spent at Jini's- painting, lying in hammocks and enjoying each others company.
Yesterday, that was my last day at my school. It felt surreal. The day was filled with hugs, good wishes and saddened friends. I actually felt quite neutral, quite fine that day. But I realise now that the saddness and contemplation has hit me just a day late. It did come down to my own choice to move next year. The decision I made felt right but I can't think why. Perhaps it's the yearning for change in my life? Strangely enough, I actually wanted to set out and do something that I was uncomftorbale with. There's the process of making new friends, geographical difficulties, living with my Dad who will work late each night, to end up cooking meals, shopping, living with no internet acess or phone. It will be hard. But somehow it is what I chose.
I have a tinge of fear about regretting the decision, I fear loneliness or becoming a sad wreck wanting to return to familiar comfort. But at the same time, I feel excited, positive and confident. These positive feelings are outweighing the negative dramatically; I want to launch into life and face risks! If things tumble down on me, I can only become stronger as a result, can I not? It's an independant, adventurous thing to do and my life might become all the richer as a result. I will be making a great effort to not lose contact with my friends so they will not end up as faded memories.
There is a friend whom I haven't mentioned nearly enough, and felt I should. This is Julia. Julia is a gypsy-like charcater, she's never lived in one place long enough to settle. As her friend this year, I'm like another stepping stone in a big row of stepping stones, that has been her life. I found her compelling and fascinating straight away, and this year we have formed a remarkable friendship. I hardly know what to write about Julia, there are too many memories, too many things I adore about her. The news of me leaving, she took with a suprising enthusiasm and jealousy. (She too isn't particuarly fond of our school, and seems to have a fear of staying in the one place too long.) She's a nostalgic romantic, an oddball, a girl who chases beauty, a girl who loves the world. Together, we learn, discuss, laugh and love life. Now, Julia is thinking of moving elsewhere too, but we plan to stay in touch always. "We'll catch up over soup in Collingwood", as she says. She is excited for me and the changes in my life, as am I for her.
I still remember the day where we danced outside all morning to music. Even when the wind and heavy rain came, saturating us completely, we still didn't stop. When we got dizzy, we lay down on the grass and let the rain pour over us. Julia has had a a profound effect on me this year. I feel priveleged to know her.
You know, this year has been magnificent.
I have a sense of self, and finally, I am comftorbale in my own skin. I think, most importantly, I have been strong, and I have been happy.
Much love and peace to you all, I hope you are all most content!
*hugs*
~Alice
PS. A wave of love has hit me, and I so do feel like hugging someone. There was no one around for me to hug, so I hugged my teddy bear.
Where would we be without teddy bears?
(I am a little disappointed with this entry because it hasn't delivered the message I wanted it to, let alone scraped the surface of describing the 'confusing workings' that were going on in my mind. But funny that, because they have mostly disappeared now.)
As I watch, my head spins. 'The confusing workings in my mind, must be processed into words.' I think to myself.
Today was the first day of my holidays, it was lovely and lazy and spent at Jini's- painting, lying in hammocks and enjoying each others company.
Yesterday, that was my last day at my school. It felt surreal. The day was filled with hugs, good wishes and saddened friends. I actually felt quite neutral, quite fine that day. But I realise now that the saddness and contemplation has hit me just a day late. It did come down to my own choice to move next year. The decision I made felt right but I can't think why. Perhaps it's the yearning for change in my life? Strangely enough, I actually wanted to set out and do something that I was uncomftorbale with. There's the process of making new friends, geographical difficulties, living with my Dad who will work late each night, to end up cooking meals, shopping, living with no internet acess or phone. It will be hard. But somehow it is what I chose.
I have a tinge of fear about regretting the decision, I fear loneliness or becoming a sad wreck wanting to return to familiar comfort. But at the same time, I feel excited, positive and confident. These positive feelings are outweighing the negative dramatically; I want to launch into life and face risks! If things tumble down on me, I can only become stronger as a result, can I not? It's an independant, adventurous thing to do and my life might become all the richer as a result. I will be making a great effort to not lose contact with my friends so they will not end up as faded memories.
There is a friend whom I haven't mentioned nearly enough, and felt I should. This is Julia. Julia is a gypsy-like charcater, she's never lived in one place long enough to settle. As her friend this year, I'm like another stepping stone in a big row of stepping stones, that has been her life. I found her compelling and fascinating straight away, and this year we have formed a remarkable friendship. I hardly know what to write about Julia, there are too many memories, too many things I adore about her. The news of me leaving, she took with a suprising enthusiasm and jealousy. (She too isn't particuarly fond of our school, and seems to have a fear of staying in the one place too long.) She's a nostalgic romantic, an oddball, a girl who chases beauty, a girl who loves the world. Together, we learn, discuss, laugh and love life. Now, Julia is thinking of moving elsewhere too, but we plan to stay in touch always. "We'll catch up over soup in Collingwood", as she says. She is excited for me and the changes in my life, as am I for her.
I still remember the day where we danced outside all morning to music. Even when the wind and heavy rain came, saturating us completely, we still didn't stop. When we got dizzy, we lay down on the grass and let the rain pour over us. Julia has had a a profound effect on me this year. I feel priveleged to know her.
You know, this year has been magnificent.
I have a sense of self, and finally, I am comftorbale in my own skin. I think, most importantly, I have been strong, and I have been happy.
Much love and peace to you all, I hope you are all most content!
*hugs*
~Alice
PS. A wave of love has hit me, and I so do feel like hugging someone. There was no one around for me to hug, so I hugged my teddy bear.
Where would we be without teddy bears?
(I am a little disappointed with this entry because it hasn't delivered the message I wanted it to, let alone scraped the surface of describing the 'confusing workings' that were going on in my mind. But funny that, because they have mostly disappeared now.)