"Screw you and I hope you burrrrnn!!"
Well needless to say I made myself out to be a jackass again last night. Ed, Nige and I hung out in Ed's room watching Apocolypse Now and I drank a little more than I should have. After about the sixth or seventh drink I began feeling sorry for myself and starting to bring out the fuck everyonesydrome. So I guess at the time I figured hey my life is over so why dont I call Chelsea and comnplain (bad idea). We ended up fighting and im sure I ended up saying a lot of shit I didn't mean. Lately I've just been really lost. Mostly because I think Chelsea has officially left me. I mean... we're not friends anymore because I think she think that I can't handle it and I dont blame her for thinking that. Sooo yeah anyway for most of the night I kept calling back and having her hang up... Yes I know harassment but I can't let her go. Her mom ended up answering the phone and I talked to her for a bit. Honestly I dont know what the fuck happend but somthing clicked. After that day in the car with Chelsea when we got in a fight and I had a melt down I think somthing triggered me to question "what the fuck am I doing?" and "Why didn't I do this before.
So getting off the phone with her mom and in tears I went and started talking to Ed and Nige and without them trying to get me to drink more they actually listened and showed some sympathy. So we ended up getting into this huge indepth conversation about what the fuck are we doing sitting here not caring, not wanting to do anything in life but sit around smoke and drink. I felt like the more I talked pieces of this puzzle I have been trying to fix started falling into place. For so long I couldn't figure out why I didn't want to try. Its because for so long I've been depressed and I let it get in the way. Constantly having shit on my mind and not talking to anyone to let it out. So all of this anger toward everyone and myself and mostly myself kept building up into this huge block in my head keeping me from wanting to be better. Chelsea has always been there for me emotionally and constantly giving me advice and I never took the advice because I figured she'd always be with me no matter what even if I was a piece of shit... WRONG! By not listening to her it just pushed her away further and further until I got to the point of no return. Sucking up all the bullshit around me for one day and just doing the work I get in school and reading a little bit every night would have fixed everything. But hey... I used up all my fucking chances with this amazing person and now im shit out of luck because I cant spend my life with her and if I ever met another girl I would never feel the same way as I do about her.
Getting a job at kohls I thought would win her back HAHAHA big mistake. Me getting a job and making money should be about me not getting her back. I think I need to stop trying to please people around me and figure out my own shit first. Maybe figuring out my own shit and doing somthing with my life will please people. So right now my goal in life is to do a full about face and stop being a fuck up. I think I really need to prove Chelsea wrong. Im going to show myself i can do this and hopefully she notices that im trying and possibly in the process win her back. I can fucking do this I know I can. I have full fucking potential to make somthing of myself. IM SO FUCKING SICK OF ME RIGHT NOW!!!!! and im sure others are too. Im going to work at this job, im going to get my car on the road, im going to have a kick ass prom, im going to do better in school, im going to start looking at colleges, and chelsea if you notice that I dont suck then i really do think you should consider giving me another chance. It would mean a lot to me.
So getting off the phone with her mom and in tears I went and started talking to Ed and Nige and without them trying to get me to drink more they actually listened and showed some sympathy. So we ended up getting into this huge indepth conversation about what the fuck are we doing sitting here not caring, not wanting to do anything in life but sit around smoke and drink. I felt like the more I talked pieces of this puzzle I have been trying to fix started falling into place. For so long I couldn't figure out why I didn't want to try. Its because for so long I've been depressed and I let it get in the way. Constantly having shit on my mind and not talking to anyone to let it out. So all of this anger toward everyone and myself and mostly myself kept building up into this huge block in my head keeping me from wanting to be better. Chelsea has always been there for me emotionally and constantly giving me advice and I never took the advice because I figured she'd always be with me no matter what even if I was a piece of shit... WRONG! By not listening to her it just pushed her away further and further until I got to the point of no return. Sucking up all the bullshit around me for one day and just doing the work I get in school and reading a little bit every night would have fixed everything. But hey... I used up all my fucking chances with this amazing person and now im shit out of luck because I cant spend my life with her and if I ever met another girl I would never feel the same way as I do about her.
Getting a job at kohls I thought would win her back HAHAHA big mistake. Me getting a job and making money should be about me not getting her back. I think I need to stop trying to please people around me and figure out my own shit first. Maybe figuring out my own shit and doing somthing with my life will please people. So right now my goal in life is to do a full about face and stop being a fuck up. I think I really need to prove Chelsea wrong. Im going to show myself i can do this and hopefully she notices that im trying and possibly in the process win her back. I can fucking do this I know I can. I have full fucking potential to make somthing of myself. IM SO FUCKING SICK OF ME RIGHT NOW!!!!! and im sure others are too. Im going to work at this job, im going to get my car on the road, im going to have a kick ass prom, im going to do better in school, im going to start looking at colleges, and chelsea if you notice that I dont suck then i really do think you should consider giving me another chance. It would mean a lot to me.