DVD Commentary : If at first you don't succeed

[la_mer_allee]

DVD commentary for shineko who's a real darling ^^



I think the idea for this fic came to me while I was musing that if Seishirou x Subaru were to be musical they should be "My fair lady / Pygmalion", which then transformed itself into Pinnochio!Subaru when I wanted to do it fairy-tale-ish. Because, well, I love fairy tales and Tokyo Babylon begged to be done that (been done so by other writers before too). The plot was clear in my head by the time I had the title, which is one of those grim humour joke which doesn't exactly fit the tale.

Once, there was a boy, who lived very happily with the man he loved in a small house in Tokyo. It was only a small home, but, because the boy knew the man would always protect him and take care of him, it was warm, and cozy, and safe.

For the beginning, using "Once" and not "Once upon a time" was a trick I totally stole from Rebecca S. Borgstrom (sp ?) in Exalted : the Sidereal. Which probably won't mean anything for you, but I wanted to not overdo the "fairy tale" aspect, partly because i was unsure I could pull it, partly because I didn't want it to distract from the story. Anyway, so far so good, everything is happy and in order.

Outside, there were fearful things.

First hint that something isn't right. I wanted to give an oppressive, claustrophobic feel to this, to progressively show how much that happiness is factice and fragile.

Sometimes, the boy got very scared. He would lay still in panic in the dark as dreary thoughts and blood-tainted flashes gnawed at his soul restlessly. Like a pressure on his back, something he should remember but couldn't, a stony weight loading him with unintelligible demands. But then, every time, the man would come to him, and hold him tightly, whispering sweet magical words into his ears, and tracing soothing mystical lines across his skin until the dreadful feeling faded away and the boy could fall asleep, between the man's warm arms.

I like the ambiguity of the way Seishirou soothes Subaru. It could be a metaphoric way to describe someone's innocent ability to calm someone - but being Seishirou, it's actually quite litteraly magic he uses. Obviously the "fearful things" threatening them aren't only on the outside, they're inside Subaru as well.

Because of the fearful things outside, there were rules to follow. Important rules he should never forget. He should never, ever go outside, and be careful that the doors and the windows be closed, especially when the man was away. And he must never remove the paper-strips that were on every threshold. And he had to never, ever remove the gloves he always wore. Those were the main rules, the most vital ones, but there were many others, a hundred sacred rituals and prohibitions that served to protect their safety and happiness, because it was so very precious.

In fairy tales, rules are made to be broken. Actually a great part of this : the small house and all the rules made to shut it out from the rest of the world, is shamelessly copyed from Cherryh's Fortress of Owls. I'm really an evil plagia.
Another case where i use an innocent "paper-strips" to hint at all the magic needed to keep the situation in order instant of the more obvious "ofuda".
"a hundred sacret rituals and prohibitions" is really me showing my formation as an anthropologist ^^

Sometimes he had troubles remembering them all. There were many things the boy forgot, sometimes, and he could see that made the man very disappointed, so the boy tried very, very hard but it wasn't enough. The man was of course very gentle and kind. He would always smile in that wonderful way that made the boy feel like he was in Heaven, and would tell him patiently "It's all right, Subaru-kun, let me just repeat it to you". But even then, the boy could see the man was frustrated at his inability to remember the rules, or the lessons.

Another of those things that are just very wrong about Subaru in his current state, his inability tomemorize things. At this point I suppose most people would guess Seishirou used major mojo to shape his memory, and that it backlashed, which is true in a way, but the fact he can't really learn new things is only due to the fact dead people can't really evolve anymore.
The line about "Heaven" is very ironic considering the situation.

They were lessons of spells and magic and rituals the man was teaching him. Lore about the five elements, and ghosts, and curses and illusion making. They were interesting, and the boy liked spending that time studying with the man. Some lessons he was very good at, but others, he couldn't manage to master them, not matter how many times he tried. It made him very sad, failing the man so, but his teacher was very patient and understanding and told him that one day he would manage it, and he would become his successor and be a great onmyouji. And that reassured the boy, though it also chilled him a little bit, because he became afraid the man would leave him. But of course, that couldn't be? The man would always stay with him and they would be happy forever. As long as they followed the rules.

Yeah, sure, make them fear Rainbow Bridge when it's the least they should worry about *snickers* I like how Seishirou is, in this case, not only delusioning himself but actually happily cruising to search the source of De Nile.

There were times when the man had to go out of the house, and left the boy all alone. He had imperative tasks to attend to, because the man was a very important person and there was someone called Sakura that needed him to live. And because the boy knew how precious and dear the man was, he tried not to be selfish and not care that the man had to leave him for someone else. He shouldn't want to keep him only for him, should he? So he always smiled when he waved him goodbye. Still, it felt hard, being alone in the small house. There were always more scarlet wisps going through his thoughts and black butterflies nagging at his mind when he was alone.

When I reread this I have flashes of Seishirou hand-feeding chocolate to Kinomoto Sakura and Kero stealing them everytime. *ahem* I disgress. Jealous Subaru but doesn't dare to show it. And of course Seishirou going all Blue Beard and "I'm going away now but remember well not to break any rules !" *doom music* I had fun finding weird imagery to describe Subaru's feeling of not-right, I think those two are my favourite in the fic.

Sometimes, he felt like something was missing. Like there was a gaping emptiness inside him. He didn't know what it was, that was the most frustrating thing about it. Like a word that was on the tip of your tongue that you couldn't quite remember. At times it felt like they should have been three in the small house, but when he said so to the man, he could see that he wasn't happy about it, so he never spoke of that again.

More false tracks where we think something happened to Hokuto *evil laughter* Seishirou being all possessive and thinking Subaru should only ever need him.

On the evening, when the lessons were over, they would sit by a hearth fire. The boy would sit comfortably on the man's lap, as he felt his hand running through his hair and his smooth voice telling him stories. He loved those times they spent together, even the times when the man would whisper teasing words that made him flush with embarrassment. Even then, it felt good and right, like nothing could hurt him, ever.

One peck of actual, honnest to God sweet and fluffy scene between Subaru and Seishirou before the doom is unleashed. The idea of safety / threat thing is really repeated all throught the fic.

When he held him like that, close to him, the man would sometimes tell him that he was beautiful while watching him with a covetous look that was so intense it made the boy shudder. Those words made the boy blush too... but it also made him wonder.

*winces* Bad transition, but I couldn't find a way to introduce the idea of why Subaru would want to see his reflection.

He didn't feel beautiful. He felt clumsy, and awkward. He knew the man was handsome and was everything he was not, so he wondered what he would look like. There were no mirrors in the house of course, it was one of the forbidden things. But when the windows were closed, and it was deep night outside, and the man was away to carry out his duty, he could sneak slowly closer to it and attempt to snatch a look at his reflection.

Everyday a little bit closer, until one day he was close enough to see his own face, black hair framing delicate features and wide eyes. And suddenly they moved and looked right through him. He was scared and would have fled but then he heard it call:

I loved the way mirror were used in Tokyo Babylon. Couldn't help re-using this theme. Here, truth is coming in throught this mirror / window.

"Subaru..."

And he went still.

"Subaru, is that you?" His reflection spoke with only a small voice. It sounded weary and sad, but hopeful too. It ringed with a painful echo into his mind.

"Who are you?" He said.

"Subaru, please, it's me... open it. I've been looking for you for so long!"

He should have been careful, really, he had been warned against such things, but there were tears in this voice and it compelled him to open the window.

Subaru, like many a fairy tale hero, breaks the rules because he's just too naive and compassionate. It's ironic the situation of Hokuto and Seishirou toward Subaru is reversed from what they were in Tokyo Babylon.

No sooner was the frame opened, that the figure went through the window to hug him tightly, telling him how glad she was she had found him again.

He felt a little bit overwhelmed by it, but it wasn't unpleasant, and it didn't seem like the person wanted him any harm.

"Who are you, are you my reflection?" he asked, shyly.

"No, silly! I'm your sister."

I think that's the only one instance where i managed to capture Hokuto's voice... still makes me smile.

"My sister?" It felt strangely good. Like something fitting in a place that had been empty and dusty for too long. I have a family, he thought with joy.

"Yes, your twin sister", she explained with animation, "that's why we look alike."

"Hokuto-chan..." he said slowly. A sunray piercing into deep mist. And he smiled. "I'm so happy we found each others again! I can't wait for Seishirou-san to meet you."

I didn't use any names but into the dialogues, which sometimes made it difficult to write the action. But I wanted it to give the fairy tale feel. Of course, Subaru doesn't yet understand in what deep sh*t he is and thinks Seishirou will be happy to meet Hokuto ^^ Subaru's starting to get his memory back with each taboo being broken.

He saw her expression freeze, sorrow filling her eyes.

"Oh, Subaru... don't you remember?"

The boy shook his head, as much to try to free his mind of the iron pressure beating on his skull as to express his denial.

*ouch* It sounds like Subaru has a hangover. Hum, which he does, in a way, but I don't like that description, it's too cliché.

"That man... he betrayed you. He treated you so badly."

Always liked how after Seishirou's betrayal, they always mention him as "that man" or "that person", in a very distanciating way. Got to do with one of the way the japanese language is unique about refering to people i guess.

No. The man had always been nothing if not kind and gentle with him. He knew that.

"He met you and for a year, he was always caring with you, and saying he loved you, and I could see him becoming important for you... and I let him do it, because I thought you needed someone special in your life. Then at the end of the year..." her voice broke.

*winces* "her voice broke"... again one of those very stereotypal phrases.

"At the end of the year, he revealed himself to be an assassin who had marked you as his prey a long time ago, and who chose to play an elaborate game with you just for cruelty."

No. No. It couldn't be.

But he couldn't stop listening to the girl, his sister, and he knew she wasn't lying.

"He would have killed you then, after having broken your heart in the worst possible way, but grandmother succeeded in rescuing you from his illusory trap."

She was watching him again, now, taking his gloved hands between hers.

Reminding the reader about the gloves, before we reveal it to be another false track ^^

"You were alive, Subaru, but you were barely here anymore. You were too shattered. You tried to smile at us, to hide how much you were hurt... but I could see... Oh, I should never have left you alone for one second..."

The point where it diverged from Tokyo Babylon. instead of being catatonic, Subaru tries to hide his sorrow but can't bear it very long...

"What happened?" He dreaded the answer but he had to know.

"Remove your gloves." She said softly.

He was past the rules already. He let the smooth texture slip against his skin, revealing the white skin of his backhand. She hold his arm softly, and turned them over.

More reversal, Subaru being tainted on the other side of his hands.

At the jointure of his palm and the wrist, there was a red knot of scars.

"I tried to kill myself?"

"No, Subaru... you didn't try."

He looked up to meet her tearful gaze.

"You succeeded."

I had this scene very clear in my mind long before I committed it to paper. Errr... computer.

He felt something like vertigo howling within him. Another piece fitting in.

"I'm dead."

To quote from Buffy, would Mr. Shyamalan lie to us ? Hum, I'm lame.

"Even so, he wouldn't let go of you. He wouldn't let his prey go free. He bound you to him, and we knew your soul wasn't at rest. I looked for you, Subaru, I'm so sorry I made such a wreck of protecting you. But now I'm here and I won't let him hurt you, ever!" she said willfully, her eyes shining with fierce intensity.

Isn't it funny how both Hokuto and Seishirou are adamant about protecting Subaru form each other ? They were much smarter than that in cannon ^^

The boy who was dead took this in, a swirl of panicked thoughts turning in his mind, opening all the closed doors of his soul, blowing memories like so much sand whirlwinds.

Opening doors in your mind. I think that's one of the most common way i picture mindscape, as a long corridor with many doors, some of them locked some of them open, some of them hiding monsters behind them.

That's when he heard the door open and the threatening presence of the Sakurazukamori fill the room.

"Step away from her and come toward me, Subaru-kun. Don't worry, I'm going to take care of that." The man said reassuringly to him, cold menace directed at the girl.

The boy halted, standing still between the two persons claiming his soul.

Describing people you love as "owning your soul" has to be a favourite of mine. It's very true in Subaru's case, more so toward Seishirou, thought.

"I won't let you keep him entrapped with you forever. I told you I would kill you if you ever hurt my brother."

"No." The boy said, weakly.

The man smiled quietly. "I will keep him with me as long as it is needed. And there's nothing you can do about it."

A breeze of scattered blossoms blew from the window across the room.

"No..." he repeated, not above a whimper.

And of course Hokuto and Seishirou are so busy threatening each other they don't even pay attention to what Subaru has to say *rolls eyes*

"Subaru, I can free you from his binding!"

"I doubt that. He's mine." Said the man.

"No!" The boy said a third time, more forcefully.

"I'm sorry, Seishirou-san", he went on, "I can't stay here, I don't belong here anymore."

Now we're into the part i rewrote only recently

"You belong to me."

"But I died!"

"No, you don't understand", the man said, very calm, very reasonably. "You cannot die. It's not the way it goes. You're supposed to kill me."

Another of the things that were very clear in my mind before the writing. Seishirou being so calmly in denial, trying to convey the wrongness of what happened. Because that's what the fic was about, though it's from Subaru's point of view. It's all about Seishirou going "Oooops !" when he realises his toy killed himself - half of it because his favourite prey escaped him, and half because he realised then what Subaru meant for him. I read many death fics about Subaru dying before Seishirou - most of them are among my favourites - and I wanted to use that trick in another way than Seishirou giving up on life after it happens... Anyway, it is meant to convey the sadness and tragedy of his character. Subaru suffers more than Sei, but Seishirou has nothing else than Subaru. And he can't manage to express it.

The ghost shook his head softly, eyes filled with ephemeral tears.

"I can't. Forgive me."

Subaru from Tokyo Babylon was still, I think, too innocent and concerned about the "right things" not to do what dead people should do. An older Subaru would throw caution to the wind and stay with Seishirou even if it meant damnation. Which is what another fic I'm planning, "Ghost Stories" is about. Do I have a ghost fetish ? Humm... maybe.

The man's confident smirk started to waver, a mere shudder tainting his expression with panic.

I think it's very tragic to be a character who only knows how to smile.

Leaning against him, the boy brushed his lips against that ghost of a smile.

Irony, again, that "ghost" serves to describe something of Seishirou in that kiss.

"I really did love you, Seishirou-san."

Lookie ! I'm stealing lines from Tokyo Babylon !

And though the man reached a hand to grasp him, he started to fade.

"Good bye."

The first draft of this fic ended up with those words. The first vision i had of the fic ended up with a Hokuto and Seishirou dialogue (Seishirou crumbling down and Hokuto being sympathetic) Neither did fit very well, the first wasn't conclusive enough, and the second didn't go with the previous conventions set up for the fic.

And all that remained in the small little house in Tokyo was a young girl sobbing quietly and a man with a befuddled look on his face.

Look ! Hokuto again... did you forget about her ? I hadn't mentionned her in all this dialogue. I am ashamed... I just couldn't manage to write a convincing three way dialogue. Poor Hokuto, Subaru didn't even give her a proper good bye.

And he was alone ever after.

That last line came to me as a surprise, having not at all planned to write it. Once I had it, thought, I just couldn't erase it. It felt so harsh and depressing and like I was ending it too much on a low note, but I couldn't see any other way to end it. Again the traditionnal "forever after" is rather shortened. I like it better that way.