[Songfic] She's Out Of My Life
Title: She's Out Of My Life
Author: la_luna_sangra
Fandom: Buffy - the Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Giles/Jenny
Rating: M
Genre: Angst
Spoilers: up to 2.17 Passion
Word Count: 1.340
Summary: Just a little glimpse into Giles' head. Set some months after Passion.
Comment: This is something I originally wrote a very long time ago - years ago that is - in german. However, the subject of BtVS fanfiction came up while talking on twitter recently and somehow I let myself be talked into translating some of the old stuff into english. Well, here is what came out of it. There will eventually be more of my old BtVS stuff coming if I find the time and patience.
Dedicated to: Natasa 'cause she was so eager to read this. Here you go, sweetie.
Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.'>
Prologue: Gloomy Thoughts
Gradually the sun was sinking into the ocean, nearly touching the shimmering surface. A seagulls cry sounded from afar, its flock hunting in the shallow waters. Time and time again they pounced down on the waves only to come back up and fight over their sparse loot; their shadows scurrying over the bright, fine grained sand like ghosts. There was no other noise except for those seagulls cries and the calming, monotonous hissing of the sea. The beach itself appeared secluded and pristine; untouched except for a single man seated on the smooth sand. His gaze locked onto the endless horizon, he was deeply lost in his own world of gloomy, pain filled thoughts.
Chapter 1: Grievous Memories
It seemed to him as if it had been only yesterday when he stepped into his apartment where the scent of roses lingered in the air and candlelight gently illuminated the room, his pleasantly surprised voice calling her name. There was a bottle of wine and glasses on the table and a broad, yellow envelop tucked into a beautiful bouquet of red roses. He'd picked it up curiously, finding a self-portrait of his beloved inside - or so he thought at the time. He could tell it had been created with much effort, much love for detail, and yet - in his eyes - it wasn't able to capture all of her beauty. After he had put the drawing back on the table he picked up the wine and glasses, an enigmatic smile dancing across his features and his eyes shimmering in anticipation he turned to climb up the stairs. Anxious not to dare break even a single carefully placed flower along his way. When he reached the top of the stairs he saw her lying on his bed just like he had assumed - or so he thought, at first - but it took him only moments to figure that something about this picture was off; something that had the blood in his veins freezing. The formerly so radiant smile died on his lips, the bottle slipping from his grip shattered into a million pieces with a shrieking sound that went completely unnoticed. It was the most horrible moment of his life. She was dead. Gone - just like that.
She's out of my life
She's out of my life
I don't know whether to laugh or cry
He remembered just as clearly the moment when rage and hatred had finally taken over the numbness that seemed to possess him. There had been no hesitation then; no thinking as he filled a bag with his best weapons - all there was, was a task at hand and this burning inside of him. A burning longing for revenge, for justice, for having the murderous beast, that had taken, maybe, the only woman he had ever truly loved from him, cease from existing. At that point he didn't care if he stood a snowballs chance in hell against Angelus. At that point it didn't even matter that the odds were in favour of him loosing his life in this battle. As long as he could take the vampire with him he'd get his revenge and she'd get her justice and he didn't care about the price he had to pay for that. And without a doubt he would have paid if Buffy wouldn't have interfered that day. Without his slayers actions he would have died in the flames, right there in this old abandoned storage hall, and he wouldn't even have achieved anything.
This insight, however, only registered with him later. Later, when they had left the building and the desperate tears of his slayer - suddenly reminding him so much of his own desperation - put out his flaming thoughts and brought back a shade of clarity. She was right; he couldn't just leave her - even if right now he had no idea how to ever go on.
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life
Chapter 2: Avoidable Mistakes
He often wished he could turn back time. To tell her all the things left unsaid; to righten all the wrongs; or even just to say their goodbyes. In the end it didn't really matter for what - one way or the other - he would never get the chance. There were moments when that felt so unfair that he was barely able to cope with it, but then again when he was back to being honest with himself he had to admit that he'd had his chances. He didn't take them. In moments like this, when he sat here lost in his own thoughts, he was painfully aware of all the mistakes he had made.
Back when Angelus first made his entrance, for example, forcing her to reveal her true origins out of sheer need instead of free will. How stupid he had behaved! Out of loyalty towards Buffy - and much more out of nothing but wounded pride - had he pushed her away, just as they finally seemed to get closer again. He had been such an idiot; telling himself that her lie about where she came from inevitably made her feelings towards him a lie as well - and this time he was the one distancing from her.
She's out of my hands
She's out of my hands
To think for two years that she was here
Just like she had before; the time when Ethan appeared in Sunnydale and made them deal with an enraged Eyghon set on killing each and every of his former worshippers. Back then it had been Jenny who suddenly found herself confronted with his own dark - and rather scaring - past. More than that even. Didn't she have to pay for his once blatant naivety; his stupidity when Eyghon took over her body, nearly killing her in the process? And what about him? Right, he didn't even notice what was happening at first! No, thinking about it now it didn't come as a surprise when she retreated after that, yes even acted as if they barely knew each other - no matter what he did. In retrospect he had no idea what reaction he'd expected back then. Or more importantly - because that was what still haunted him - from where he had taken the right to judge her for not being honest about her past.
And I took her for granted, I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands
Epilogue: Vain Epiphanies
Even now after all this time he struggled with those thoughts - but truth is truth, there's no way around it. And in his case - in his own eyes - truth was that if he'd only acted differently back then than maybe, just maybe, none of this would have ever happened. She wouldn't have been in Sunnydale High alone in this night in the first place and Angelus wouldn't have been able to get to her so easily. 'Cause why had she been there? Exactly: to help them or him. To restore the damn curse; to give Angel his soul back - and why? Because in that she saw a way to make it up to him - an it of which today he didn't even know what it had been any more; to set things right - things that weren't even her fault to begin with. He knew that now and the most awful part about all of this was that he was quite sure a part of him had already known it back then as well.
Yes, in moments like this, when night had finally fallen and the cries of the seagulls had long quiet down, he was nearly sure that everything would have played out differently if he had only realised sooner what loosing Jenny made so painfully obvious..
So I've learned that love is no possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned love needs expression
But I've learned much too late
And she's out of my life...
Yeah, I know.. nothing all to special, but as I said: this is very old, so bear with me. ;)
Author: la_luna_sangra
Fandom: Buffy - the Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Giles/Jenny
Rating: M
Genre: Angst
Spoilers: up to 2.17 Passion
Word Count: 1.340
Summary: Just a little glimpse into Giles' head. Set some months after Passion.
Comment: This is something I originally wrote a very long time ago - years ago that is - in german. However, the subject of BtVS fanfiction came up while talking on twitter recently and somehow I let myself be talked into translating some of the old stuff into english. Well, here is what came out of it. There will eventually be more of my old BtVS stuff coming if I find the time and patience.
Dedicated to: Natasa 'cause she was so eager to read this. Here you go, sweetie.
Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.'>
Prologue: Gloomy Thoughts
Gradually the sun was sinking into the ocean, nearly touching the shimmering surface. A seagulls cry sounded from afar, its flock hunting in the shallow waters. Time and time again they pounced down on the waves only to come back up and fight over their sparse loot; their shadows scurrying over the bright, fine grained sand like ghosts. There was no other noise except for those seagulls cries and the calming, monotonous hissing of the sea. The beach itself appeared secluded and pristine; untouched except for a single man seated on the smooth sand. His gaze locked onto the endless horizon, he was deeply lost in his own world of gloomy, pain filled thoughts.
Chapter 1: Grievous Memories
It seemed to him as if it had been only yesterday when he stepped into his apartment where the scent of roses lingered in the air and candlelight gently illuminated the room, his pleasantly surprised voice calling her name. There was a bottle of wine and glasses on the table and a broad, yellow envelop tucked into a beautiful bouquet of red roses. He'd picked it up curiously, finding a self-portrait of his beloved inside - or so he thought at the time. He could tell it had been created with much effort, much love for detail, and yet - in his eyes - it wasn't able to capture all of her beauty. After he had put the drawing back on the table he picked up the wine and glasses, an enigmatic smile dancing across his features and his eyes shimmering in anticipation he turned to climb up the stairs. Anxious not to dare break even a single carefully placed flower along his way. When he reached the top of the stairs he saw her lying on his bed just like he had assumed - or so he thought, at first - but it took him only moments to figure that something about this picture was off; something that had the blood in his veins freezing. The formerly so radiant smile died on his lips, the bottle slipping from his grip shattered into a million pieces with a shrieking sound that went completely unnoticed. It was the most horrible moment of his life. She was dead. Gone - just like that.
She's out of my life
She's out of my life
I don't know whether to laugh or cry
He remembered just as clearly the moment when rage and hatred had finally taken over the numbness that seemed to possess him. There had been no hesitation then; no thinking as he filled a bag with his best weapons - all there was, was a task at hand and this burning inside of him. A burning longing for revenge, for justice, for having the murderous beast, that had taken, maybe, the only woman he had ever truly loved from him, cease from existing. At that point he didn't care if he stood a snowballs chance in hell against Angelus. At that point it didn't even matter that the odds were in favour of him loosing his life in this battle. As long as he could take the vampire with him he'd get his revenge and she'd get her justice and he didn't care about the price he had to pay for that. And without a doubt he would have paid if Buffy wouldn't have interfered that day. Without his slayers actions he would have died in the flames, right there in this old abandoned storage hall, and he wouldn't even have achieved anything.
This insight, however, only registered with him later. Later, when they had left the building and the desperate tears of his slayer - suddenly reminding him so much of his own desperation - put out his flaming thoughts and brought back a shade of clarity. She was right; he couldn't just leave her - even if right now he had no idea how to ever go on.
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life
Chapter 2: Avoidable Mistakes
He often wished he could turn back time. To tell her all the things left unsaid; to righten all the wrongs; or even just to say their goodbyes. In the end it didn't really matter for what - one way or the other - he would never get the chance. There were moments when that felt so unfair that he was barely able to cope with it, but then again when he was back to being honest with himself he had to admit that he'd had his chances. He didn't take them. In moments like this, when he sat here lost in his own thoughts, he was painfully aware of all the mistakes he had made.
Back when Angelus first made his entrance, for example, forcing her to reveal her true origins out of sheer need instead of free will. How stupid he had behaved! Out of loyalty towards Buffy - and much more out of nothing but wounded pride - had he pushed her away, just as they finally seemed to get closer again. He had been such an idiot; telling himself that her lie about where she came from inevitably made her feelings towards him a lie as well - and this time he was the one distancing from her.
She's out of my hands
She's out of my hands
To think for two years that she was here
Just like she had before; the time when Ethan appeared in Sunnydale and made them deal with an enraged Eyghon set on killing each and every of his former worshippers. Back then it had been Jenny who suddenly found herself confronted with his own dark - and rather scaring - past. More than that even. Didn't she have to pay for his once blatant naivety; his stupidity when Eyghon took over her body, nearly killing her in the process? And what about him? Right, he didn't even notice what was happening at first! No, thinking about it now it didn't come as a surprise when she retreated after that, yes even acted as if they barely knew each other - no matter what he did. In retrospect he had no idea what reaction he'd expected back then. Or more importantly - because that was what still haunted him - from where he had taken the right to judge her for not being honest about her past.
And I took her for granted, I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands
Epilogue: Vain Epiphanies
Even now after all this time he struggled with those thoughts - but truth is truth, there's no way around it. And in his case - in his own eyes - truth was that if he'd only acted differently back then than maybe, just maybe, none of this would have ever happened. She wouldn't have been in Sunnydale High alone in this night in the first place and Angelus wouldn't have been able to get to her so easily. 'Cause why had she been there? Exactly: to help them or him. To restore the damn curse; to give Angel his soul back - and why? Because in that she saw a way to make it up to him - an it of which today he didn't even know what it had been any more; to set things right - things that weren't even her fault to begin with. He knew that now and the most awful part about all of this was that he was quite sure a part of him had already known it back then as well.
Yes, in moments like this, when night had finally fallen and the cries of the seagulls had long quiet down, he was nearly sure that everything would have played out differently if he had only realised sooner what loosing Jenny made so painfully obvious..
So I've learned that love is no possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned love needs expression
But I've learned much too late
And she's out of my life...
Yeah, I know.. nothing all to special, but as I said: this is very old, so bear with me. ;)