as a ship is floating on its designated waterline and the keel is horizontal
to know me is to know i'm frequently bent, but only about the seemingly insignificant things. there's a method to my impatience, intolerance, rigidity and madness, i assure you, and take severe umbrage to any litte impediment along the way. that i'm the only one aware of the specifics of this systems makes it a bit hard to adhere to, but i've not the time to explain. you can get with it or you can't. this makes the even disposition with which i respond to actual crises even more surprising. i'll fly off the handle at improper procedure, inability to maintain the end of a bargain, impoliteness, etc. (which is funny because those are all sins i routinely commit), but smash in my car window at casey moore's? fine. get caught in a compromising position with someone i care about (in a not-in-that-way way) by someone i very much cared for in that way. i'll be right here, (over)analyzing, reflecting, and introspecting. i'll bawl upon receiving a "B" but anything less and I'll not say a word- not just out of pride, either. i'm seriously offended by a $15 conference fee, but $500 to fix the focus? i just shell out.
maybe it's a coping mechanism whereby i limit the impact of catastrophe by just shutting down. maybe because i appreciate the many tragicomic elements of life. i'd like to believe i appreciate life's generally infallible system of checks and balances. if i want something, but for the wrong reasons (situation specific), i will be inevitably foiled. if i engage in actions not for the virtue of performing them but to yield i specific result, i'll get nothing. it's like accounting. you can change one transaction without affecting all of them. only unlike accounting, rectifying a problem or working out a glitch is seldom as easy as reviewing the register. it's generally a lot more involved and a lot messier. certainly i'd prefer not to fuck up, but i'm comforted by the knowledge that, while my actions won't correct themselves, i'll get an enormous and perhaps unpleasant reminder that i've got to make a change.
maybe it's a coping mechanism whereby i limit the impact of catastrophe by just shutting down. maybe because i appreciate the many tragicomic elements of life. i'd like to believe i appreciate life's generally infallible system of checks and balances. if i want something, but for the wrong reasons (situation specific), i will be inevitably foiled. if i engage in actions not for the virtue of performing them but to yield i specific result, i'll get nothing. it's like accounting. you can change one transaction without affecting all of them. only unlike accounting, rectifying a problem or working out a glitch is seldom as easy as reviewing the register. it's generally a lot more involved and a lot messier. certainly i'd prefer not to fuck up, but i'm comforted by the knowledge that, while my actions won't correct themselves, i'll get an enormous and perhaps unpleasant reminder that i've got to make a change.