*Sighs*
You've never really understood me and still haven't quite figured me out even after all this time. The sad thing about this entry is, that you may never read it or even come here to read such. If you hear about it, it'll be from of your friends who have nothing better to do than keep up with whatever I'm doing to go tattle to you or start shit. I come to the wake with our daughter. You know I work and that getting her cooperation for things is alot of "fun". Not even 3 minutes into coming in, and you start nit picking stuff. I know you are hurting from your grandfather dying and now our daughter won't let you pick her up without saying no and pushing away. Taking it out on me will not change it or help. Yes, I know the leggings *black lace tights that stop at the ankles* and the shoes *black clod hoppers she wanted and I could get on her feet to try* could have been better. I almost let her go bare legged, but the tights came with the skirt so I tried them. You ride my ass basically about the kids and questioning when I'm getting the testing done on our daughter, dentist for our son, and then whether or not I'm able to be an effective mother to the kids. Of course you offer to help by taking them from me because you think I have some big secret problem of sorts I need to sort out and get my life straighted out to deal with the kids. Maybe the problem is you.
I spent one year staying up there so you could see the kids more easily and at first to possibly work on things. Well things wouldn't work and I figured that out quick, but I stayed so the kids would be able to see you. You had to drive past the apartment everyday to go to work and back. Always an excuse not to stop you had, even saying you could not be around me at that time. There's always an excuse, even if it's a legitmate one. I was basically alone, dealing with the kids mainly and mostly by myself with financial aid from you. Spent alot of time trying to explain to our oldest child why you didn't come over more, or when you were suppose to and couldn't, giving an excuse for you...just like I use to when I went to see your family alone without you.
You asked/stated before I left the wake (which I didn't even get to take our daughter in to view the body...which might have been good not to have, but it left me not paying my respects in that quarter) that I was still upset with you for leaving. Oh god, that's a loaded question/statement. Yes I am still upset that you left, then came back and made me leave with the kids so you could take over the house we were renting and rent out the rooms to roommates to help afford it. I can't really explain it all, but it's not all about the leaving so much as how it made me feel and what all it validated for me and still does to this day.
Every man, of any important significance, in my life has in some way, shape, form, by words, etc, has let me down in a major way. I've dealt with minor alot, but it's always been something major. My father, we know his faults already. I about forgiven him a bit because the neglect and not paying attention to what was happening to me was because he was not there to due to working his ass off to keep us afloat. It doesn't cancel out what happened under his nose, nor does it make all the mean things said as his alcohol abuse rose that much better, but I understand a bit how he could not realize what all was happening since it was hidden pretty well.
You, you left me. After telling me you never would and would always be there, you left. At one time you were my world, life, the future. Any man after you has to basically deal with me now not believing him when he says he will always be here for me and not leave. I do not believe in such because of you. You were barely there for me when you were there, because even if physically present, you were mentally elsewhere or emotionally towards the end. So yes, I'm still pissed off about you leaving even if it was for the best because all it did was add to the list another important man in my life letting me down.
And now of course you think the kids should be with you instead of me right now, even though you don't get them on the weekends you are suppose to, during the summer, nor did you take the time when it was the most convient, during that one year I was up there, to see them.
I spent one year staying up there so you could see the kids more easily and at first to possibly work on things. Well things wouldn't work and I figured that out quick, but I stayed so the kids would be able to see you. You had to drive past the apartment everyday to go to work and back. Always an excuse not to stop you had, even saying you could not be around me at that time. There's always an excuse, even if it's a legitmate one. I was basically alone, dealing with the kids mainly and mostly by myself with financial aid from you. Spent alot of time trying to explain to our oldest child why you didn't come over more, or when you were suppose to and couldn't, giving an excuse for you...just like I use to when I went to see your family alone without you.
You asked/stated before I left the wake (which I didn't even get to take our daughter in to view the body...which might have been good not to have, but it left me not paying my respects in that quarter) that I was still upset with you for leaving. Oh god, that's a loaded question/statement. Yes I am still upset that you left, then came back and made me leave with the kids so you could take over the house we were renting and rent out the rooms to roommates to help afford it. I can't really explain it all, but it's not all about the leaving so much as how it made me feel and what all it validated for me and still does to this day.
Every man, of any important significance, in my life has in some way, shape, form, by words, etc, has let me down in a major way. I've dealt with minor alot, but it's always been something major. My father, we know his faults already. I about forgiven him a bit because the neglect and not paying attention to what was happening to me was because he was not there to due to working his ass off to keep us afloat. It doesn't cancel out what happened under his nose, nor does it make all the mean things said as his alcohol abuse rose that much better, but I understand a bit how he could not realize what all was happening since it was hidden pretty well.
You, you left me. After telling me you never would and would always be there, you left. At one time you were my world, life, the future. Any man after you has to basically deal with me now not believing him when he says he will always be here for me and not leave. I do not believe in such because of you. You were barely there for me when you were there, because even if physically present, you were mentally elsewhere or emotionally towards the end. So yes, I'm still pissed off about you leaving even if it was for the best because all it did was add to the list another important man in my life letting me down.
And now of course you think the kids should be with you instead of me right now, even though you don't get them on the weekends you are suppose to, during the summer, nor did you take the time when it was the most convient, during that one year I was up there, to see them.