Numb
So, I really haven't posted in awhile and frankly I was just thinking about deleting this whole thing completely, it's just full of garbage and things I wish I never did/said. But I guess we should embrace that of which makes us strange and delusional. Most of this journal takes place in a desperate time in my life where I sought acceptance and love. I needed to fall off the edge into my own world because the one outside wasn't providing me with what I wanted. Not that I condone insane behavior...just saying, being obsessed and delusional in love with a famous person wasn't the worst thing I could have done throughout high school to get me through my life. The true innocent crazy has served its purpose and I am over it. I got through it. And my silly internet boyfriends are all just stepping stones away from my fantasy and onwards into my future. Tom, well, Tom was a lesson learned...don't date 30 year old recovering heroin addicts...with a 5 year old daughter....who is divorced..alright...we'll stop there. I just should have known from the moment he charmed me with "sweetie" that I shouldn't have even went there. But hey! I saw someone I wanted and for once I actually had him until whether, he's just a jerk off or realized what he was doing was never going to work and put me out of my misery.....either way its over and I learned my lesson. Richie was just a horny asshole. And now I am with Ryan, whom I've been with for 1 year and 3 months.
And yes I love him but I am feeling strange lately. I feel like I don't feel him anymore. When we lay next to each other, maybe its because his touch is so familiar to me now but its almost like I barely feel him. But its not like I am disinterested in him. I still want him when hes not around, I think about him all the time. I get jealous yada yada. I get happy to see him, I am excited on my way over to his house. And then I get there and he lays down next to me, its like I need to just immerse myself inside him to even feel him anymore. It makes me sad because I don't know if its me or if its the Zoloft. I've been on Zoloft for almost a year now, and yeah it helps for the most part. Then its like, I don't know, like I just don't even care about it anymore. (I have no idea.) I'm trying to make sense but I probably won't. Do I ever? Haha.
I don't know, I just don't want to be numb. I want to feel him like I used to. I still feel him in my dreams the way I used to. Maybe everything is going wrong..I have no idea anymore and part of me just doesn't even want it to make sense anymore.
And yes I love him but I am feeling strange lately. I feel like I don't feel him anymore. When we lay next to each other, maybe its because his touch is so familiar to me now but its almost like I barely feel him. But its not like I am disinterested in him. I still want him when hes not around, I think about him all the time. I get jealous yada yada. I get happy to see him, I am excited on my way over to his house. And then I get there and he lays down next to me, its like I need to just immerse myself inside him to even feel him anymore. It makes me sad because I don't know if its me or if its the Zoloft. I've been on Zoloft for almost a year now, and yeah it helps for the most part. Then its like, I don't know, like I just don't even care about it anymore. (I have no idea.) I'm trying to make sense but I probably won't. Do I ever? Haha.
I don't know, I just don't want to be numb. I want to feel him like I used to. I still feel him in my dreams the way I used to. Maybe everything is going wrong..I have no idea anymore and part of me just doesn't even want it to make sense anymore.