Before Mission: Zoloft
So, I wanted to write before I started taking Zoloft. I want to keep track of my feelings so I can determine whether or not the Zoloft is going to work or have negative effects on my body. I haven't taken it yet, I was going to take it before I go to bed because my doctor told me that a side effect is drowsiness, so taking it before bed seems like a good idea.
I am a bit nervous though, I can't lie, which is the funny part because it's all I wanted but now that it's a reality...oh well jeez, I am having anxiety about being on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant, how ironic. I just hope it doesn't make me more suicidal, which is the piece I am most worried about and then second, (I know how shallow of me) weight gain. I am also scared because today I feel fine but also I am past my period. I feel like my feelings get intensified before I get my period and that's when the flood gates break loose and all this shit just comes pouring out of me and it's unstoppable. But it's in those moments where I cannot step back and rationalize my thoughts; that I want to die, disappear or cause some sort of harm to myself. I am afraid because I know these pills can intensify suicidal thoughts, though the whole point is to eradicate those feelings. But I want them because I want to feel in control of myself again because I can see it's turning me into a monster driven by irrational emotion. I used to be fun, even charming perhaps but now i feel like I am just fading away into my own despair. I am losing site of what's good and beautiful. I know life is special and it shouldn't be taken for granted, believe me I know I could have it much worse, which is also another piece because it makes me so angry that I feel that way sometimes when I know I don't have it bad. The whole thought that I am aware and I know yet I cannot stop feeling the way I feel. I cannot stop feeling. I don't know.
So here's my last night of being normal before I get lost in a drugged stupor.
I hope it ends well and not in flames.
I am a bit nervous though, I can't lie, which is the funny part because it's all I wanted but now that it's a reality...oh well jeez, I am having anxiety about being on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant, how ironic. I just hope it doesn't make me more suicidal, which is the piece I am most worried about and then second, (I know how shallow of me) weight gain. I am also scared because today I feel fine but also I am past my period. I feel like my feelings get intensified before I get my period and that's when the flood gates break loose and all this shit just comes pouring out of me and it's unstoppable. But it's in those moments where I cannot step back and rationalize my thoughts; that I want to die, disappear or cause some sort of harm to myself. I am afraid because I know these pills can intensify suicidal thoughts, though the whole point is to eradicate those feelings. But I want them because I want to feel in control of myself again because I can see it's turning me into a monster driven by irrational emotion. I used to be fun, even charming perhaps but now i feel like I am just fading away into my own despair. I am losing site of what's good and beautiful. I know life is special and it shouldn't be taken for granted, believe me I know I could have it much worse, which is also another piece because it makes me so angry that I feel that way sometimes when I know I don't have it bad. The whole thought that I am aware and I know yet I cannot stop feeling the way I feel. I cannot stop feeling. I don't know.
So here's my last night of being normal before I get lost in a drugged stupor.
I hope it ends well and not in flames.