at a breaking point
i don't even know where to start right now. this whole year has been about changing and growing up, which has been good but so bad at the same time. i really do love my life. i'm actually living it again and i love each and every new person i have in my life. but i miss my old friends too. matt and i couldnt be any better but he seems to be the only person that i can turn to.
truth is...i'm not a person who can handle knowing people are disappointed in me. i've just always wanted to be that girl who succeeds in life. and while i feel like i have, theres always someone there to judge me for the person i've grown into. i know im not the little girl i used to be. i've done things this summer that were really out of character for me but i honestly feel like they were things i needed to do. i was spontaneous for once. met someone new and just went with it. and yeah, i knew nothing with jeremy was ever going to amount to anything since he goes to asu but it was something that i needed in my life at the time. having him in my life made me realize that i could actually like someone else, actually be interested in someone else and i loved that because it was that final step of truly getting over my past. maybe i didnt make the wisest decisions when it came to jeremy but its my life, my choice. is it really so hard to ask people to accept that and not judge me for everything i do?
matt's the only person i can talk to because hes the only person who supports me and realizes that everything does happen for a reason. i'm sitting here wondering where the rest of my support went. i miss having other people i could talk to without getting things thrown back in my face because really, if people cant accept me for me, should i really be friends with them? thats the sad point i'm at right now. im tried of being judged, tired of defending myself. i have no attachments right now and yet i feel more tied down now than i did when i had a boyfriend. i know i didnt go about things the best but i cant apologize for that anymore. all i can say is, it may seem like ive changed a lot but i havent. one action shouldnt and doesnt define me. and it certainly doesnt mean that im going to act like that from now on because i know im better than that, i know im smarter than that and i know i deserve more than that. i know someday i'll get that and at this point, i dont want anything more or less than what i deserve. i've had my fun and im over it. i just wish some people could really see that. see that im so much more than just the person ive been this summer. and the sad point is, the people i miss in my life the most are the people i thought i could trust, the people who i thought knew me better, the people who would be supporting me, not condoning me.
i know ive been surprising and yeah, ive been a real bitch sometimes but i cant take anything ive done back, nor would i necessarily do so. all im asking for is some support, forgiveness, trust, and a fresh start. and until i can truly get that from people in my life, im done with it because what's a friendship without all that? maybe im being selfish but i've held back for a really long time for others and i refuse to do so anymore. i just want to be me and live my life the way i choose to. if anyone can't handle that...well then i guess all i have to say is goodbye and good luck with your life...
truth is...i'm not a person who can handle knowing people are disappointed in me. i've just always wanted to be that girl who succeeds in life. and while i feel like i have, theres always someone there to judge me for the person i've grown into. i know im not the little girl i used to be. i've done things this summer that were really out of character for me but i honestly feel like they were things i needed to do. i was spontaneous for once. met someone new and just went with it. and yeah, i knew nothing with jeremy was ever going to amount to anything since he goes to asu but it was something that i needed in my life at the time. having him in my life made me realize that i could actually like someone else, actually be interested in someone else and i loved that because it was that final step of truly getting over my past. maybe i didnt make the wisest decisions when it came to jeremy but its my life, my choice. is it really so hard to ask people to accept that and not judge me for everything i do?
matt's the only person i can talk to because hes the only person who supports me and realizes that everything does happen for a reason. i'm sitting here wondering where the rest of my support went. i miss having other people i could talk to without getting things thrown back in my face because really, if people cant accept me for me, should i really be friends with them? thats the sad point i'm at right now. im tried of being judged, tired of defending myself. i have no attachments right now and yet i feel more tied down now than i did when i had a boyfriend. i know i didnt go about things the best but i cant apologize for that anymore. all i can say is, it may seem like ive changed a lot but i havent. one action shouldnt and doesnt define me. and it certainly doesnt mean that im going to act like that from now on because i know im better than that, i know im smarter than that and i know i deserve more than that. i know someday i'll get that and at this point, i dont want anything more or less than what i deserve. i've had my fun and im over it. i just wish some people could really see that. see that im so much more than just the person ive been this summer. and the sad point is, the people i miss in my life the most are the people i thought i could trust, the people who i thought knew me better, the people who would be supporting me, not condoning me.
i know ive been surprising and yeah, ive been a real bitch sometimes but i cant take anything ive done back, nor would i necessarily do so. all im asking for is some support, forgiveness, trust, and a fresh start. and until i can truly get that from people in my life, im done with it because what's a friendship without all that? maybe im being selfish but i've held back for a really long time for others and i refuse to do so anymore. i just want to be me and live my life the way i choose to. if anyone can't handle that...well then i guess all i have to say is goodbye and good luck with your life...