Directions...
Some how... I feel as though I've lost my way.
I haven't felt as though I've had a home in a long time. Not since I left Oklahoma. I've been confused and worse yet... unhappy. Yes, I've had my moments of happiness. With Becca and with Susan. BUt those were... well... I suppose the reasons why they made me happy is because with them, I had direction in my life. I had somewhere to go and others to think about. It's the same with my strange ability to sit and listen to people with total disregard to my own thoughts and feelings and give a rather neutral standpoint on it. When there is something more important in front of me. I can drop anything at a moments notice and be the veritible front line.
But when I don't have this direction or something important in front of me. I become what I fear. Something that has no where to go, and no where to return to. I become nothing.
Maybe it's because I refuse to see the path before me. Or maybe right now it's because something within me snapped when the fast track I was on dissapeared and I'm refusing to believe it. I dunno.
I don't even understand why right now all I want to do is curl up in any of my close female friend's arms and just be a teddy bear. Hell... I'd even go to England or Finland or Canada or somewhere... because there I have a friend or three... there I can find something to distract me from my own little prison I've created for myself.
I'll be fine eventually. Soon I'll breakout of this and be fine. Until then... please understand....
"I am not the man I want to be. I've been made in his image, to serve his ideals. I needed to find my own way. I've made steps along the way. Married the girl I want, I'm doing the job I want, and I've created something so precious in this world, my son. Yet I'm still not where I want to be. Am I in a good place? Of course. But this is not the end and I've still got a road left to travel. Will I ever forgive him for what he's done? No. He failed in his plans for me and now, he's brought my sister into this. For that I could never forgive. But will it bring me happiness to remain forever and somewhat silently seperated from my father? He does not care or worse does not see it, and my Mother's heart aches everytime she sits at the dinner table and sees my empty seat. My sister feels it. She is not only my worst enemy in this matter, but also my best friend. It's funny... I've almost killed her in action... yet she came to my door and kissed me, said hello to my wife, held my son in her arms. Almost as if she was 6 again and happy. That was home to me. That was happiness to me. My homeland has been destroyed, time and time again. My Family has seen more bloodshed than the previous five generations. I am the Vanguard and defender of my People.. I am to be their leader... Yet I cast that aside... to find my own place in life. I've just found a small chunk of it." --Memoirs of Alex Peacecraft, Jan 16th AC 228
I haven't felt as though I've had a home in a long time. Not since I left Oklahoma. I've been confused and worse yet... unhappy. Yes, I've had my moments of happiness. With Becca and with Susan. BUt those were... well... I suppose the reasons why they made me happy is because with them, I had direction in my life. I had somewhere to go and others to think about. It's the same with my strange ability to sit and listen to people with total disregard to my own thoughts and feelings and give a rather neutral standpoint on it. When there is something more important in front of me. I can drop anything at a moments notice and be the veritible front line.
But when I don't have this direction or something important in front of me. I become what I fear. Something that has no where to go, and no where to return to. I become nothing.
Maybe it's because I refuse to see the path before me. Or maybe right now it's because something within me snapped when the fast track I was on dissapeared and I'm refusing to believe it. I dunno.
I don't even understand why right now all I want to do is curl up in any of my close female friend's arms and just be a teddy bear. Hell... I'd even go to England or Finland or Canada or somewhere... because there I have a friend or three... there I can find something to distract me from my own little prison I've created for myself.
I'll be fine eventually. Soon I'll breakout of this and be fine. Until then... please understand....
"I am not the man I want to be. I've been made in his image, to serve his ideals. I needed to find my own way. I've made steps along the way. Married the girl I want, I'm doing the job I want, and I've created something so precious in this world, my son. Yet I'm still not where I want to be. Am I in a good place? Of course. But this is not the end and I've still got a road left to travel. Will I ever forgive him for what he's done? No. He failed in his plans for me and now, he's brought my sister into this. For that I could never forgive. But will it bring me happiness to remain forever and somewhat silently seperated from my father? He does not care or worse does not see it, and my Mother's heart aches everytime she sits at the dinner table and sees my empty seat. My sister feels it. She is not only my worst enemy in this matter, but also my best friend. It's funny... I've almost killed her in action... yet she came to my door and kissed me, said hello to my wife, held my son in her arms. Almost as if she was 6 again and happy. That was home to me. That was happiness to me. My homeland has been destroyed, time and time again. My Family has seen more bloodshed than the previous five generations. I am the Vanguard and defender of my People.. I am to be their leader... Yet I cast that aside... to find my own place in life. I've just found a small chunk of it." --Memoirs of Alex Peacecraft, Jan 16th AC 228