Am I actually a writer
I've been wandering aimlessly with my writing for many years now, unable to get much more than a few pages completed before losing interest completely. It's been a war inside my head for a while: what good am I as a writer if I don't write? It's like trying to grab mist. I'm tired of not being a writer but I don't want to delude myself either. I think, am I good enough to be published, and then I see some of the stuff that is and think, yeah, I'm good enough. Then I put myself to it and doubt starts. I fumble an idea, it falls limp and I lose it. I'm beginning to think I'm not good enough to be the writer I want to be.
I don't know. Is it worth the trouble? That's what I ask. What does this say about my writing in general? Do I need to stop pretending and just focus on being corporate boy? Am I pretending? I can't even say that my reach is exceeding my grasp because I'm not even reaching anymore. I've become lazy. Writing was the only thing I was ever really good at. I am unconvinced that I was, in fact, good at it. I look back at what I've written and some of it just seems so much throwing words on paper, no real skill, just a regurgitation of whatever was in my awareness at the time.
I write this not for reassurance from anyone. The last thing I want is ego strokes. I just need to work out whether it is truly in me to move past this self-doubt which has paralyzed me for a decade. If not, I need to be able to just let it go. If so, then I need to rededicate myself to working for it, because it's not just going to drop in my lap. It's time I grew up, I suppose.
I don't know. Is it worth the trouble? That's what I ask. What does this say about my writing in general? Do I need to stop pretending and just focus on being corporate boy? Am I pretending? I can't even say that my reach is exceeding my grasp because I'm not even reaching anymore. I've become lazy. Writing was the only thing I was ever really good at. I am unconvinced that I was, in fact, good at it. I look back at what I've written and some of it just seems so much throwing words on paper, no real skill, just a regurgitation of whatever was in my awareness at the time.
I write this not for reassurance from anyone. The last thing I want is ego strokes. I just need to work out whether it is truly in me to move past this self-doubt which has paralyzed me for a decade. If not, I need to be able to just let it go. If so, then I need to rededicate myself to working for it, because it's not just going to drop in my lap. It's time I grew up, I suppose.