At long last, FINALLY, here's the last chapter. :) I really hope you all enjoy it!
“Sir, you’re really sure you want to pay all at once?”
Adam responded to the man with a smile, nodding his head as he said, “Yes, quite sure.” He waved a hand in Kris’ direction, and Kris led the horse over towards Adam that had Adam’s chest of gold and jewels strapped onto its back.
Adam reached up to open the chest and he sifted his hands through all of its contents. He lifted out a few small pouches to peek inside them. He finally consolidated their various contents all into a single larger bag. Kris watched with wide eyes as Adam poured in some glimmering diamonds, shining gold coins, and other beautiful, valuable stones. Adam closed the bag - now heavy with all its contents - before holding it out to the man. “There should be more than enough in there.”
The man took the bag carefully and peeked inside. “Yes, yes indeed,” he said as he closed the bag again, looking a bit shocked. He gestured back to the small house they were standing in front of. “Would you like to keep the old furniture or shall I have it all removed so it can be furnished anew?”
Adam looked towards his partner, “What do you think, Kris? I find it plenty cozy with the furniture it already has.”
“Yes, it suits me fine.”
“Well, then it looks like we’re all settled,” said the man, reaching out to shake Adam’s hand. “Thank you.” Adam thanked him in return before the man mounted his camel and departed from the small house where he had once lived but had just sold to a new owner.
Adam looked back to their new house and couldn’t help but grin as he drew Kris in close against his side. Adam nuzzled his nose against the side of Kris’ head and Kris giggled, smiling.
“You do like it, right?” Adam asked for what seemed the umpteenth time.
“Of course I do! What, did you think I was lying earlier when I said I loved it? I mean really…” Kris leaned in against Adam’s side as he looked up at the house that stood before them, “It’s the perfect size…a little roomier than your tent was but it’s still cozy. It has a fireplace so it’ll stay warm, and it’s very sturdy, so we’ll be fine in severe weather.” Kris tilted his head to the side, leaning against Adam’s shoulder as he smiled up at him, “I really, really love it.”
Adam covered Kris’ mouth in the briefest of sweet kisses.
“I’m glad,” Adam murmured once he pulled away. He straightened up again, looking up at their new home with a broad smile. “I can’t believe it,” Adam murmured, half to Kris and half to himself. While Adam stood there looking both mystified and overjoyed beyond words, Kris slid his arms around Adam’s middle and gave him a light squeeze. Adam’s gaze turned downwards to Kris as he said, “I’m finally looking at it. The little house where I get to spend forever with the person I love. The same person who loves me.” And Adam could do nothing but kiss Kris once more before they made their way inside.
The house was small and simple, but suited them perfectly. It had only three rooms - a kitchen, a lounge area, and a bedroom. The kitchen was plenty large enough for any of Kris’ culinary undertakings. The bedroom held a bed, two chests of drawers, and a vanity table.
They had only been able to take with them what would fit onto the backs of their horses. So Kris and Adam unpacked their few respective articles of clothing, belongings, and the few furnishings they had been able to carry for the house. Adam told Kris the first thing they would do the next day would be to find the nearest marketplace and replace all the important things they hadn’t been able to carry with them. And Adam intended on making good on his old promise to Kris to buy him all the new tunics he wanted, after Kris had despaired when his tunic had been ruined by his bloodstains in the palace.
That night, they climbed into their new bed for the first time - together. This bed was notably larger than the one they had shared back in the tent. But this new one was also much more comfortable. The pair crawled between the sheets fully clad in nightclothes, and quickly became tangled up together under the blanket.
After a few whispered conversations and light kisses in the dark, they both began nodding off. But before he fell off into sleep, Kris had a thought he had to voice.
“Y’know, Adam…I’ve never really felt like I had a home. After my mother sold me. First it was constant traveling with that merchant caravan, then Dallon, whose house was the farthest thing from any kind of home. I found you, and started living together with you…but the tent was still yours, or at least,…it felt that way. But this…” Kris murmured with a smile, snuggling closer in Adam’s arms. “This place, this home…it’s ours. A place I know is mine too. I finally have a real home.”
Kris wasn’t sure whether or not Adam was still awake to hear him, but it didn’t matter. Kris lightly kissed Adam’s lips one more time before laying his head on Adam’s shoulder and drifting off into sleep.
When Kris awoke the next morning, it took him a moment to remember where he was and why the bed was so ridiculously comfy. When it came back to him that he and Adam had found their new house, a sleepy grin spread across Kris’ face. Then he noticed a few seconds later that the bed was empty save for himself, and he sat up.
He looked over and saw Adam sitting in front of the vanity table that stood next to the bed. Adam had been humming to himself softly while dabbing a foundation powder across his face. He had already combed his hair out and pushed the long strands behind a bandana. When Adam saw Kris awake, he smiled wide and placed his applicator down.
“Morning, darling,” he said before leaning across to give Kris a light kiss good morning. Kris’ only response was a huge, sleepy grin. Adam soon turned back to the vanity table mirror and went back to dabbing his powder on.
“When we go to the markets today I’ll have to replace all the makeup I couldn’t bring along,” Adam thought aloud, his eyes not straying from the mirror.
Kris couldn’t help but frown the slightest bit as he observed his lover. He wondered why Adam was going through the whole process of applying makeup today, and why he was replacing it all. Kris had always understood Adam’s makeup to be a part of his old job - a way to make himself look more desirable to potential customers. So why was Adam bothering, now that the job was in his past? Kris didn’t quite understand, but he said nothing.
Despite his puzzlement, Kris was still entranced as he watched Adam. Kris rolled onto his stomach and rested his chin on a pillow as he watched the deft movement of Adam’s hands. Kris remained silent for a while, just watching Adam, until Adam’s eyes flitted over in Kris’ direction and Adam smiled a bit.
“You’re going to make me mess up, staring like that.”
“I can’t help it,” Kris said, his gaze still fixed on Adam, “And aren’t you mine to look at as much as I like?”
“I suppose that’s true,” Adam said as he dipped his fingers into a skin-toned powder.
“How can you expect me to look anywhere else? You’re spellbinding.”
A perfectly carefree smile appeared on Adam’s face and his hands stilled as he turned to face Kris.
“Only you could say something like that.”
“I know I’m not the first to think it.”
“You’re the only one who makes me happy, when I know you think that.”
“Well then it’s lucky for you that I think much more than just that. I love everything about you.”
At this point, Adam had to get up and move over towards the bed and Kris.
“As do I,” Adam whispered, leaning over so his mouth was close to Kris’, “Especially the sweet way you talk, that gets my heart feeling happier than it ever has.”
Adam lightly cupped Kris’ face before leaning in to kiss him. Kris reached up for Adam, but the other man was already pulling away. Kris did his best to hold back a disappointed expression. Adam always seemed to pull away so quickly from their kisses.
“Would you like me to fix you something to eat?” Adam asked as he moved back to the vanity table and his hands began moving over his face again, “We did pack some of your bread before we left yesterday. But that’s all we have until we visit the markets later.”
Kris just spread himself out on his front in bed, hugging a pillow under himself. “No, I’m fine just staying here watching you.”
Adam arched an eyebrow and turned to look at Kris with a slightly amused expression.
“What?” Kris asked with a smile, “You’re so beautiful. Watching you is like the finest delicacy for my eyes. Why would I ever want to get up while you’re sitting there?”
Adam gave the slightest shake of his head, but had a smile on his face as he turned back towards the mirror. “I love you,” he said, watching Kris in the mirror.
Kris smiled wide as he rested his chin down on his folded arms. “I love you too.”
When the two returned from the markets that afternoon, their arms were overflowing with all the wares they’d bought and there were dozens of trunks and bags strapped to the backs of their horses.
“Adam,” Kris huffed as he dumped his armful of bags onto the kitchen table, “This house is only the slightest bit larger than our old tent. Then how does it seem we bought twice the amount of belongings that we ever had in the tent?”
Adam just smiled a bit as he set his own bags down on the floor. “But now, in this house, we’re living our perfect ending together, after all of our struggles. We can have some extra belongings, some indulgences.”
“But we’re going to live solely from the contents of your trunk? All of the riches you’ve collected? I don’t see how you can really expect we’ll be able to live wealthy lifestyles without having to work again…”
“Kris,” Adam silenced the other man. “You’ve never gotten a good look into that trunk. Kris, I was the most highly sought-after prostitute in all of Egypt. Every man who ever shared my bed paid a small fortune to do so. Until now, I never had anything…or anyone..,” he smiled briefly at Kris, “to spend my riches on. It was all saved, aside from the small amount Michael and I needed to live on. The treasures I collected in a single year would have been enough for the two of us to lead simple lives from. But I was in business for years, and my fee only increased with time. So believe me, my darling Kris, when I say that I won’t have you wasting even a moment thinking about money. We’re rich men.”
And before Kris could even have a chance to say anything more, Adam walked over behind the smaller man and put his arms around him with a wide smile. He kissed the side of Kris’ head before saying to him gently, “Before anything else, I want you to try on all those splendid new clothes we bought for you.” Kris rolled his eyes with a small laugh.
“You mean those silky, silly-looking excuses for clothes?” Kris asked playfully. He’d never imagined owning the kind of fine clothing Adam had bought for him.
“Mmhm, exactly those,” Adam responded with a grin, giving Kris’ ear a little nip. “You were so upset in the palace when that old tunic I bought you was ruined with blood. If it means that much to you when I buy you things, how can I do anything but oblige you?” Kris just laughed a little as he leaned down to pick up the bag that held all his new clothes.
“Alright, fine. You stay out here, I’ll change in the bedroom and then come parade around a bit for you.”
“Splendid,” Adam said with a grin and an easy smile.
He was sure, for the remainder of his life, he was never going to have another care again.
The next morning, Kris walked the short distance out to the well to retrieve a bucket of water to cook breakfast with. He had left Adam still asleep in bed, with the intention of having their breakfast ready when Adam awoke. When Kris returned to the house, he set out all of the ingredients he would need and immediately got to cooking. When breakfast was ready a little while later, Kris walked to the bedroom to see if Adam was awake. When he parted the curtains in the doorway, he frowned a bit when he saw Adam sitting in front of the mirror. He was once again slathering makeup all over his face.
Without really thinking, Kris couldn’t help but ask, “Why do you still do that? You know you don’t need to wear it for me. You’re much more beautiful without all that slop.”
Without looking at Kris, Adam just seemed to smile to himself a little bit, resigned as he dipped his fingers back into the tub of foundation.
“I have to. Can’t think of a day when I haven’t.”
Kris bit his lip at Adam’s easy, nonchalant answer. From Kris’ perspective, the makeup seemed to mean so much more for Adam than just a casual habit. But Kris did his best to push those thoughts aside and remember why he’d come to get Adam in the first place.
“I prepared breakfast for us both. Your favorite.” Adam turned away from the mirror to give Kris a dazzling smile Kris couldn’t help but return.
“You did? I’ll be right out as soon as I’m finished. Don’t worry, I’ll work quickly.”
Easily and happily, Kris moved over to Adam and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. When Adam smiled, Kris kissed the side of his forehead.
Back in the kitchen, thoughts of Adam’s deeply-set makeup routine returned to the forefront of Kris’ mind. If Kris hadn’t gone through the same experiences with Adam in the palace, didn’t know without a shred of doubt that Adam had completely and totally given up his old life, then…Kris would have thought that nothing changed. Adam still wore all the makeup like before, still dressed in all the same kind of clothes as before. He remained so seductive and alluring. It seemed like he was still expecting potential customers to stroll through the door at any moment, and he was ready to flirt and tease and seduce. Kris didn’t like the thought, and cared even less for his failure to understand the lack of change in Adam’s behavior.
Kris’ concerns from the morning had quickly dissipated as he spent the day in blissful happiness with Adam. But he couldn’t count himself completely safe from worries until the day was over.
That night, they both prepared for bed as usual - both getting fully dressed in comfortable nightclothes before sliding in between the sheets of their bed. Kris immediately pulled Adam into his arms as soon as the older man was within reach. Adam smiled wide, laughing softly as Kris curled himself around him and nuzzled his nose in against Adam’s neck.
“I love the way you curl up to me, like my own little monkey,” Adam said adoringly with a chuckle. Kris made a little face, but just cuddled closer to Adam.
“Don’t poke fun at me for wanting to be as close to you as possible.”
“I’m not poking fun, Kris. I really do love it. And you.” Adam moved a hand to stroke Kris’ cheek, and Kris raised his head at the touch. As Adam caressed Kris’ cheek, their eyes met and the connection that instantly formed was deep and hot. Kris slid the little ways up so he could reach Adam’s mouth and kiss him deeply. Instead of pulling away like they usually did after a few short seconds, Kris threw his arms up around Adam’s neck and held on. Adam didn’t pull away, and didn’t stop Kris from diving back in for more after he’d had to pull back to gasp for air. Even though Adam kissed back, Kris’ sudden desire didn’t let him see that Adam wasn’t responding with quite the same desperate urgency.
Adam wrapped his arms around Kris’ smaller form - not pulling him closer, just holding him. But still, Kris let out the smallest moan before hungrily kissing Adam again. Adam tensed the slightest bit, imperceptibly, when he heard Kris’ moan. Kris was too far lost to notice anyway. While he kissed Adam, one of his hands moved down his body. Kris’ hand landed with deliberate pressure across the exact place where Adam’s cock rested in his pants. Adam’s body froze and entirely stiffened.
“What are you doing?” Adam whispered, voice hoarse.
Still not picking up on Adam’s reaction, Kris said with a desperate edge to his words, “I know we haven’t before…but I-..I’ve wanted it for so long..” Adam suddenly looked horrified. He pulled away from Kris entirely, and it wasn’t until then that Kris saw the upset and deeply disturbed expression on the other man’s face.
“You…..you’ve wanted this?” Adam asked in a soft, weak voice. Kris sat up in bed, puzzled by Adam’s reaction and watching him with concern.
“Well,..yes. Of course. How could I not want you?”
Adam’s expression was blank, empty, shocked. He looked as if someone had rammed a knife through his abdomen.
“Adam, what-..what’s wrong?” Kris asked softly, nervously as he watched the expression of horror washing over Adam’s face. “Are you upset at me for this? How can I help wanting you? …You-…you’re so…”
Adam suddenly whirled away from Kris, facing the opposite direction and leaning over as he sat perched on the edge of the bed. His hands came up to cover his face, and he was shaking.
“…Adam..” Kris stammered, reaching out to put his hand on Adam’s shoulder. The moment he touched him, Adam sprang up from the bed.
“Don’t touch me,” Adam suddenly spit in a voice akin to a hiss. But then his voice broke into weakness when he added, “…please.” And then Adam turned and rushed from the room, leaving Kris bewildered and concerned and hurt on the bed.
After sitting there for a few moments in helpless shock, Kris scrambled to his feet. “Adam! Adam, wait!” He hurriedly searched the small house, but couldn’t find a trace of the lover whom he’d unintentionally spurned. Desperate, Kris rushed outside. It wasn’t until then that he finally caught sight of Adam - sitting curled up upon the sand, beside the door.
“Adam-..” Kris breathed, moving to kneel down beside the other man. Adam immediately curled in tighter to himself, as quickly and desperately as if the action were a survival instinct.
“Stay away from me!” Adam whispered fiercely, brokenly from where his head was hidden behind his arms. “Don’t touch me…” he repeated from the bedroom.
“Adam,” Kris tried again, hurt by Adam’s stern rebuttal. This time Kris remained standing, and didn’t try to move nearer to Adam. “How can you think you have to say things like that to me? It’s me….it’s Kris. You know how much I care for you, how much I love you…”
“How can I believe you now?!” Adam cried, his voice half rough and demanding, and half utterly vulnerable. He looked out only the slightest bit from under his arms, only lifting his head slightly. He whispered brokenly, “How can I know you’re any different from the others?”
It wasn’t until then that Kris started to understand.
“Adam…how can you think that?” Kris said softly, a little bit hurt but mostly just concerned for the other man and how visibly hurt he was by Kris’ actions. Kris had thought physical love was the natural, easy next step for them,…but clearly, Adam had a different view on the subject. Kris tried to get through to him, “You know all that we’ve gone through together. How can you forget the risks, the sacrifices I threw myself into for you,…to save you when that disease was taking your life? But now you…you’re guilting me for the natural desires every person has? That’s not fair, Adam…you’re faulting me for being human.”
Adam was silent in response. The only movement Kris could see from him was his fingers clenching and unclenching in his long hair, where his head was buried beneath his arms again.
“You ask me how I’m different from the others?” Kris continued softly, trying so hard to make Adam see that he’d never meant to upset or hurt him. “I love you, Adam. I’d do anything for you, and I’ve proven that. My love is something you can’t deny. Physical wants…they’re part of that love. My desires stem only from that love...” Kris’ voice trailed off as he could tell none of his words were reaching Adam in his current state.
After a few seconds, Adam started shaking his head desperately to himself. He murmured, not to Kris directly but aloud all the same, “I thought…I thought our affections went past the physical. I thought it was more…I thought you saw me for more…”
Kris sunk down into the sand beside Adam. “You know I do. Oh Adam,…please, please don’t let this one action break all your faith in me.” Kris reached out for him, and this time Adam didn’t shrink back when Kris drew him in against himself. After a few seconds, Adam was clinging to Kris in return, his face pressed against Kris’ shoulder. As Kris held him, he considered whether he should apologize. But as bad as he felt for upsetting Adam, he didn’t see fault in what he’d done. Kris bit his lip and tugged Adam closer.
They remained like that for a long while before Kris was able to coax Adam back to bed. Once they were both under the covers, Kris slowly and tentatively reached out for Adam and was relieved when Adam didn’t stop Kris from holding him. Adam laid still and quiet in bed - not giving a hint to the panic and turmoil stirred up within him after learning about Kris’ feelings. He closed his eyes against the stabbing pain in his chest. It felt like heartbreak.
In the following days, despite his best efforts to the contrary, Adam couldn’t help seeing Kris differently. He felt as if his entire perspective of Kris - and their relationship as a whole - had been inverted and splintered. During the moments when he managed to still think rationally, Adam knew that this new revelation changed nothing about Kris’ actions for him in the past. He owed Kris his life, and Kris had done more for him than simple words could express. But Adam had believed up until now that when Kris said he loved Adam, the love was nonsexual, nonphysical. Knowing now that Kris saw him through the colorings of lust and desire…it shook Adam’s faith in the other man. He’d relied on Kris as his safe haven from all those dark, dirty desires of humanity, the same he’d spent his whole life as a slave to. He’d thought Kris would never look at him with want. Just love. Pure, untainted love, for reasons that had nothing to do with physicality. Now, it seemed all that had been ruined. Suddenly, Adam found himself lost. The anchor Kris provided for him and that he had become so dependent on, had suddenly been dislodged.
Kris and Adam were preparing their supper together. The air in the kitchen was empty - devoid of any conversation -, as had become customary lately. Neither of them liked it, but neither of them knew how to undo the change. Kris was skinning and cutting potatoes, while Adam stoked the stove and heated some water on its top. Kris looked up from his work. He was missing an ingredient.
“Could you get me the salt?” Kris asked, as Adam was standing nearer to the cabinets. Adam nodded and brought it over to him, then stood at Kris’ side and watched him finish with the potatoes. When Kris finished, he scooped the potatoes onto a plate and then moved to carry them over to the stove. As he passed behind Adam, he passed a hand lightly, rather thoughtlessly, along Adam’s waist. Adam stiffened slightly at the touch. But Kris noticed, and frowned as he quickly withdrew his hand.
They ate silently, sitting across from each other at the table. Every so often, Kris glanced up to watch Adam for a few seconds. He couldn’t believe Adam had become so distant. When Kris thought back on what had happened between them, he always felt a touch of guilt before the irritation and confusion regarding Adam’s behavior. Adam had been the one to pull away since the night Kris had revealed the desire that for a long time he hadn’t realized he’d had. But it had developed naturally as he and Adam spent time together in intimacy. Kris couldn’t think it wrong. It wasn’t.
Kris knew Adam well. He understood how Adam viewed sex differently than others. To him, it was an act completely opposite from affection, tenderness, and love. Sex had been fixed irreversibly in pain, force, unpleasantries Kris didn’t want to dwell on. But Adam had been acting so closed-off towards him since that night, and Kris didn’t understand how Adam could really think he had to fear any of those terrible things from Kris. With desire or without it, Kris was still the same Kris. He still loved Adam the same.
As Kris finished his food, he noticed his hand resting on the table just beside Adam’s. A few days ago, their hands would have already been linked.
“Adam?” Kris asked softly, finally breaking the thick silence that had settled into the room. Adam looked up at him from his own plate questioningly.
“Would you…” Kris started just as softly, wiggling his fingers a little bit, “Hold my hand?” In all honesty, Kris was afraid that if he reached out himself for Adam’s hand, the other man might pull his away.
Adam seemed to pause for a short moment, his gaze turning downwards to Kris’ hand lying open on the table. Adam did his best to smile a little. He slid his fingers slowly in between Kris’. His movements almost seemed cautious, and Kris swallowed back the sudden flash of anger and hurt in him. He just closed his own fingers gently over Adam’s.
“You know-…” Kris’ voice cracked. He cleared his throat before trying again, “You know that I love you, don’t you?”
Adam’s eyes quickly fled from Kris to the floor. Kris could see his throat work as he swallowed hard. His expression looked to be in pain.
“I-I know, Kris,” he whispered weakly. The next moment, he was withdrawing his hand from Kris’. He picked up his empty dishes from the table, set them down on the counter, and left the room.
Kris looked back to his empty hand resting on the table, doing his best not to feel hurt (even though it wasn’t really working). He closed his hand again, this time around only air.
Adam retired early that night. When Kris came to bed, Adam was in the far side of the bed, lying on his side with his back to Kris. Kris slid in next to him. He stayed on the other side of the bed. Usually they still slept curled together, but after so many rebuffs from Adam that day, Kris was afraid to risk another.
Kris laid on his back in silence, just listening to Adam’s breathing. He could tell by the uneven rhythm of it that he was still awake.
“Adam,” Kris said softly. He knew that Adam heard him, even though he didn’t respond. “Please, please just hear me through once. I know you…don’t like thinking about sex and me together, in any way. I know that, to you, sex can only be something dark and bad. I know I haven’t had the experiences you’ve had, I’ve never had sex at all before, but…I have a different idea about it that I wish you’d listen to. Sex…can be nice, beautiful even. If there’s love in it, if the two people really love and care about each other, it turns into more. It’s more than just physical. Adam, if-…if it was us, it would be different, so different than what you’ve had before. It wouldn’t be sex at all. It would be…lovemaking. And I know it would be wonderful.”
Adam was silent for a few seconds before his weak, “Please don’t, Kris.” Kris noticed Adam curl in on himself a bit. “I can’t…I just can’t,” Adam whispered. “I can’t bear thinking about it, Kris…you in the same place all my countless, nameless customers have been. You seeing me the same way all of them did…”
“But I wouldn’t!” Kris protested, sitting up suddenly in bed. “I could never! That’s what you don’t understand. I care so much about you. You could never be just some kind of…of fuck for me. I love you for everything about you. I don’t want you just for your body, like them. I know you’re just as beautiful inside, and that’s what I want.”
But Adam was already shaking his head. Already murmuring, “I’m sorry. I can’t. I can’t…”
Kris laid back down on his side of the bed. His eyes wouldn’t close in sleep for a while. He was angry now, angry at Adam and his constant refusal to attempt open-mindedness. Kris knew Adam had gone through many horrible things in his life, but now he wasn’t making any attempt to move on.
Kris had done a lot for Adam. Risked everything, his very life even, when he knew Adam could die from the disease. But now - after everything was resolved and Adam was safe and alive thanks in a large part to Kris’ actions, Kris thought Adam seemed unwilling to take any risks of his own. He wouldn’t attempt any kind of physical relationship with Kris. He wouldn’t push himself, wouldn’t tread out from his comfort zone to face a new experience with Kris. Kris didn’t think it was fair.
A week later, Kris woke up with the lingering remnants of the anger he’d fallen asleep with the night before. He and Adam had argued again. Again, over their lack of a physical relationship. Adam wouldn’t budge on the issue. Kris couldn’t let it go. At this point, it wasn’t so much the sex itself they disagreed about. It was more the fact that they were at odds with each other, upset that they couldn’t reconcile, and frustrated that the other never seemed to attempt to understand the other side of the issue. It was like they were disagreeing about disagreeing.
Kris rolled out of bed. They slept rather strictly on their opposite sides of the bed these days. A quick survey of the kitchen reminded Kris that a restocking of food and cooking items was badly needed. He wouldn’t mind going to the markets this early. It would get him away from Adam for a little while.
He stepped back into the bedroom to quickly change into pants, a casual tunic, and a traveling robe. He didn’t bother making sure Adam was still asleep. The other man wouldn’t be interested in watching anyway.
Kris moved over to Adam’s side of the bed, where Adam was still tangled up in the blankets. Kris leaned over the bed to tell him softly, “I’m going to the markets. I’ll take just a little bit of gold, alright?”
As Kris picked out a handful of small, rounded gold pieces from the pouch sitting atop the dresser, Adam blearily opened his eyes and stretched.
“Mmm, alright,” Adam mumbled sleepily.
Kris turned, moving to leave the room when Adam said suddenly, still in his lazy, half-awake voice, “Wait, Kris.”
His hand reached up to grab Kris’ wrist, to hold him there for a moment. When Kris paused and leaned over the bed again, Adam lifted himself up on his elbows to give Kris’ lips a quick kiss. “Be safe,” Adam murmured as he laid back down again.
Kris stood frozen for a few seconds, as Adam had unknowingly and unintentionally wrapped Kris up in him all over again. And Kris had to stop for a few seconds and just look at him - spread out in bed on his back, his eyes fluttered closed, his fingers holding onto the top of the blanket, his long hair fanned out all across the pillow. He looked so achingly, effortlessly beautiful, and Kris loved him just as much as he always had. It was so unfair. Moments like this, when Adam wasn’t even trying, he could make Kris forget all the reasons why he should be angry with him.
“I always am,” Kris said softly, mindlessly reassuring him. He kissed Adam’s forehead before he left.
It was late morning when Kris returned, carrying bags and sacks in his arms. He set them all down on the table in the kitchen. He peeked into the bedroom to see whether Adam was still sleeping. Kris’ lips immediately pinched into a frown when he saw Adam sitting at the vanity table.
Adam was wearing a thin, white sleeveless top. The straps were skinny, leaving his broad shoulders exposed. The garment hung loose under his arms, leaving stretches of creamy, freckled skin. The shirt straps dipped down low in the front. Every time he moved, the garment would resettle, sometimes covering his nipples, sometimes not. His bottom half was clad in form-fitting black pants. They hugged his thighs, and made his ass the first thing any pair of eyes had to look at. The peacock feather earring dangled from the rod in his ear, and his hair had already been combed. Now he was masterfully applying kohl to the edges of his eyes. He had already powdered his face down, and painted extra colors around his eyes.
Watching him suddenly made Kris furious. The range of things he’d been upset about in the past weeks all seemed to suddenly combine and well up. Adam looked stunning and dazzling, beyond beautiful. But beyond that - he looked alluring. Kris remembered Adam telling him that he’d been the most highly-sought prostitute in the country, and when he looked like this, it wasn’t hard to understand why. He’d stir up desire in anyone who saw him right now.
And Kris was Adam’s lover, and forbidden from touching him.
It was when Adam started painting a sinfully dark red across his lips that Kris had to speak.
“I thought you were done with seducing people. Then why do you still dress like that and slather your damned makeup on?”
Adam jumped a little when he heard Kris’ voice so suddenly. Then he took in what Kris said and his eyes fell away from the mirror. He didn’t turn around to look at Kris. He just neatly fit the lid back over the red lip tint. He didn’t know what to make of what Kris had said, but he picked up the undertone of insult.
“I have to be beautiful,” Adam said in a tone of voice that wordlessly conveyed ‘Kris, you just don’t understand.’
“Being beautiful got me the money I’ve lived on - what we’re living on now. It’s what got the Pharaoh’s attention, and let me escape from the palace. Beauty has gotten me all the things important enough to be grateful for.”
“It’s not what got you me,” Kris said softly.
He refused to speak in the tense moments of silence that followed. At first, Adam didn’t turn to look at Kris. When he finally, slowly, did - his expression was unreadable. But finally, this lethargic, sad smile spread across his face. It chilled Kris to the bone.
“Then what did, Kris?”
Kris’ eyes were unable to leave Adam’s, locked in some kind of stare down. Then he responded, “Your looks may have been what I noticed the very first time I met you, but they’re not what made me fall in love with you. And you think it was your beauty that won you your escape from the palace? The Pharaoh cared about you. As much as I don’t like it, I wouldn’t doubt that he loved you. He fought that battle in the palace for you - fought against his own family. He wanted to give you his kingdom. That doesn’t just happen because he appreciates your looks, Adam. It’s because he appreciates what’s underneath. If it was about beauty, none of the Pharaoh’s wives would be in banishment. They were plenty beautiful.
“If you ask me, it was your looks that got you into servitude in the palace. Looks were all Lord Merrick cared about. It was all he wanted you for, and he had no qualms about selling you out to his wife. Your looks are what used to get you injured, when customers got too rough. Looks are…what made your father see you as a way to make money.” Adam’s face went slack and shocked at that, but Kris continued, “And y-you’re wearing clothes like this every day. Putting on the makeup that makes you look like some kind of sex toy, no matter how many times I tell you you look better without it. And then you’re angry at me for wanting you…”
Kris had tears in his eyes by now. He wasn’t quite sure where all he was saying was coming from. Now he found his emotions all boiling up within him - the culmination of all the frustration and hurt and rejection he’d been feeling between himself and Adam lately. And as one of his tears trickled over and pattered down his cheek, he felt a sudden lurch in his heart.
The second Kris’ tear fell, the stunned stillness that had taken hold of Adam cracked, and he was stumbling to his feet, reaching out to Kris. But his feet were frozen, as if he wasn’t sure whether he could just walk through the permeable veil of Kris’ words that still lingered in the air. “Don’t cry, Kris, please don’t…”
Kris didn’t want to hear it. He went on, “And how can you say you’ve never known sex to be good? We both know you had customers you enjoyed. And the Pharaoh? I doubt you dreaded getting into bed with him,” Kris’ voice turned bitter as he wiped the back of his hand across his eyes in attempt to get rid of the wetness there. What had happened between Adam and the Pharaoh was still a sore spot for him. Kris could remember all too clearly when he’d come to see Adam in his illness, and had burst into the room to find Adam clutching the Pharaoh’s hand.
Adam said nothing, shocked by such an outburst from Kris. Kris’ words stirred up horrible, ugly guilt in him. He had never really given thought to his day-to-day habits, or how some of his actions in the past could have hurt Kris this much…
“But that doesn’t matter,” Kris said softly, mumbling now as he stood there rubbing the backs of his fists over his eyes. He looked so small and hurt, Adam wanted to wrap him up in his arms until he was comforted. But Adam himself was the reason for this, and he couldn’t take a step closer to Kris.
Kris started again, his voice soft and weak now, “I…I love you so much. But I’m starting to think you’ll never really open up to me. You don’t want me to have all of you, and you don’t want all of me. Even though I’ve already given it, you’re not interested because you won’t open up the same way. You’ll always hide behind something, you’ll always hold something back.”
“Kris, I…I didn’t…” Adam tried to whisper, trying to get something out between himself and all of Kris’ words and the other man’s pain that came with them. Adam was utterly stunned, feeling like every ounce of air had been painfully sucked from his lungs, because this was so, so much more than had been between them before.
But Kris was already turning away from him. The tears Kris had been keeping confined to his eyes were running down his face now. “I’ve tried to be what you needed. Tried to help you find peace from everything in your past. I even risked my life to save you. But Michael was right…you’ll never really escape your father. Because you won’t try.”
Then Kris was gone, fleeing from the little house that was supposed to be their shared safe haven from the world. He was crying unabashedly now. He couldn’t help it.
Back in the bedroom, Adam stood frozen - a statue in the middle of the room. He thought he’d known in his life the worst, most painful kinds of suffering. He’d been wrong. This was a new kind entirely, and it hurt like nothing had before.
He couldn’t let Kris leave. He cried the younger man’s name as he tripped over his own frozen feet, desperate to get outside in time to catch Kris. But as he fell through the door, he saw Kris on the back of one of their horses, disappearing into the landscape of the infinite desert. He was already too far away for Adam to give chase.
It seemed like ages, standing there, watching the unfeeling stretches of the desert. They didn’t bring Kris back to him. The colorings of the sky had begun to shift, to darken, by the time Adam finally returned to the house. He went immediately to their bedroom, to the vanity table. He sat there numbly, looking into himself in the mirror, struggling through the dark, tangled mess of emotions that were brewing like a storm within him. He looked at his own face. The red on his lips, the black smeared around his eyes, the shimmering eye shadow.
He looked ridiculous.
He cursed as he snatched a cloth from the tabletop and started roughly wiping the damn stuff away. He didn’t stop until every speck of it was gone, and his skin was red from the rubbing. When he was done he felt raw and bare. The only time his skin was usually free of makeup was when he slept. He wasn’t used to the feeling. A disturbing thought suddenly came to him, that maybe it wasn’t solely because of customers that he’d developed the habit of makeup. Maybe, unknowingly, he’d been doing it for years to hide himself.
Suddenly, he swiped his arm across the tabletop, sending a handful of makeup pots and tubes crashing to the ground. He looked back up at the mirror. Hot anger coursed through him. He didn’t want to look at himself. He picked up the bottle of lip tint and threw it at the mirror. The glass shattered, spider-webbing from the deep crack Adam had made. A few seconds later he collapsed across the table, his head buried in his arms. He was used to always keeping close tabs on his emotions. He certainly never let them be shown so openly. But now he was powerless, unable to control them.
In a voice weakened and softened by sadness and anguish, yet still heartbreakingly beautiful, he began to sing,
Hey, tears all fall the same
We all feel the rain
We can’t change.
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