Submission And Addiction [Part 10]
When I said before that I wasn't going to have time in the coming weeks to work on this fic, it seems I was lying. But somehow, I don't think you guys will mind. :P No promises though, about when the next one will be up D: I hate how hectic my life is right now.
Kris was reading aloud from a book about fairies, spirits, and destined lovers. He was sitting on Adam’s bed, with his legs crossed indian-style, and Adam’s head resting in his lap. Adam was lounging comfortably, listening with rapt attention while Kris told the story.
Only a few days past, Adam would have hurried away from any physical contact with Kris, afraid of the other man’s reaction and possible aversion. But since Kris had kissed him entirely of his own sentiment the day before, Adam didn’t shy away anymore. Kris was so open and accepting towards him all the time. With his head leaning back against Kris’ legs, Adam could feel a flashback to the same warmth and comfort Kris had given him with the kiss. It was breathtaking, and Adam appreciated every little bit of the feeling.
Michael had been chasing off customers like a guard dog. Whether regulars or hopefuls, Michael would send them away without even the hope of a glance at Adam. Neither Michael nor Kris wanted anyone near Adam until he fully recovered. He had bounced back to his usual self quickly, and said he felt plenty well enough to work, but Kris and Michael would hear nothing of it. Adam didn’t mind the time off, so he let them play protectors. (well, he let Kris play, but Michael really was his guard.)
Kris had been reading for a while now, and his fingers had found their own way to Adam’s soft hair, twirling gently in the long strands while he read from the book. Adam’s eyes had closed, but in relaxation rather than lethargy.
Kris had just reached the end of the sixth chapter when he closed the book.
“I really like this one,” Adam commented, “but if Isabelle’s prince doesn’t find her by the end, my verdict’s going to change.”
Kris laughed a little and nodded in agreement. Adam sat up from Kris’ lap and stretched. Kris watched him, looking the slightest bit concerned.
“How are you feeling?” Adam gave Kris a long-suffering look at the other man’s question.
“You and Michael can both relax. I’m fine, really. You don’t need to keep asking me that every hour.”
“I’m sorry, I - ….”
“Oh, don’t be. I appreciate your concern. Really.” Adam smiled slightly, and looked down to his own lap, folding his hands and picking absentmindedly at the paint on his fingernails. Kris was watching Adam just out of the side of his eye, trying to see if he was still feeling upset under his secure outer shell.
Adam could feel Kris’ concern, and it touched him. He could sense that Kris genuinely wanted to be there for him, to help him. It reminded Adam of days back when he was very young, before the trauma began, when he used to have people in his life who truly cared about him; whose kind, warm smiles were all he needed to feel happy, and who did their best to protect him. With Kris was the first time and place Adam had ever really felt like that again since. It warmed something deep down in his heart, and Adam felt like he could open up. He felt like it would be okay. He could drop his guard for a few moments, and nothing bad would happen when he was with Kris.
“Hey Kris?” Adam asked softly, looking over at Kris carefully.
“Yes?” Kris was reclining on the bed, leafing through the rest of the book and skimming the pages.
Adam knotted his fingers together and wrung them. It was plain to see, there was something on his mind. “Do you think I … could have your hand to hold again?”
Kris looked up from the book. He smiled as he watched Adam, remembering how he’d held Adam’s hand before to stop his nervous hand-wringing habit.
“You don’t have to ask like it’s a big thing you need permission for.” Kris extended his hand over to Adam’s lap where he had his hands linked, and Kris slid his hand into one of Adam’s, twining their fingers together. Adam chewed lightly on his bottom lip as he curled his other hand around Kris’ as well, holding it tight.
Kris tried not to get his hopes up too high that Adam was going to open up to him, and tell Kris what he was feeling for once instead of hiding everything inside.
Kris scooted a little bit closer until his leg touched Adam’s. He watched Adam for a few moments, he was gazing down to Kris’ hand in his lap, and rubbing one finger back and forth over Kris’ knuckles. A few moments passed, and still Adam didn’t say anything.
Kris tried to appreciate and savor the soft touches, and the feel of Adam’s body heat close to him. But Kris was still too concerned.
“Adam….I know you keep saying you’re fine .. and I believe you, really, I do … but, sometimes it seems like, while you might feel fine, your heart doesn’t. It’s holding things that don’t fit into the ‘fine’ and ‘not fine’ categories.”
Adam didn’t look up from where his gaze was fixed on Kris’ hand, but half of his mouth turned up in something like a smile.
“I may have bought you a few too many of those sappy books.”
Kris laughed a little, but gave Adam’s hand a squeeze. He wanted Adam to know he had meant it. Kris had come to notice all the little things Adam did and didn’t do, all the things he said and didn’t say. He wanted Adam to know that he noticed.
Adam released one of his hands’ grip on Kris’ hand, and then threaded his fingers through his own dark hair, brushing it back from his face. Kris laid his head on Adam’s shoulder, watching as the other man’s guarded expression slowly lifted little by little. It was a hazy mask that had come to call Adam’s countenance home - impenetrable to most, but almost invisible to those who exerted the effort to dissect it.
Adam focused on Kris’ hand, sliding his fingers in and out from between Kris’ and stroking his knuckles - distracting himself. “It’s not like this is the first time it’s happened. It’s why I have Michael. I can usually handle myself, but every once in a while, I just get … caught off guard.”
“Speaking of Michael, I’ve been wondering about him. Do you pay him?”
“No, he doesn’t want me to. He’s been my only friend every since I was a kid, so I guess he felt obligated to come out here with me when I set up shop. I just make sure he’s fed all the time, and he’s happy. Thank the gods for him, or else I probably would have died of loneliness by now.” Adam smiled, delivering the comment lightly, but just the implication made Kris’ heart twist.
Adam’s eyes fixed back to Kris’ hand, and his expression grew somber again. “It’s… not as bad as it used to be. My body’s gotten tougher. I recover faster, and really, I hardly feel it anymore.” Adam had an expression akin to wonder as he slid his and Kris’ fingers together over and over again, marveling at how they fit together like puzzle pieces. Kris watched too, as Adam folded their hands together. “A lot of times, I’m able to just not think about it. By now, I know so well what to do, my body can just go on automatic and I don’t have to be there mentally.” Kris nodded the slightest bit from where his head was still resting against Adam’s shoulder. He didn’t have anything to say, but he wanted to make it clear that he was listening. Adam turned his head a little bit towards Kris. His nose brushed Kris’ hair.
Adam gave Kris’ warm hand a light squeeze, and relaxed into the welcomed feeling of Kris’ body against his side. Adam couldn’t remember the last time physical contact with someone had been comforting. But it was with Kris, it was perfect with Kris. Kris felt soft and warm, gentle and fragile. Adam had learned by now that he wouldn’t taint Kris’ purity by being close to him. Rather, he felt that some of Kris’ wholesomeness would spread to him, instead. It would relax Adam, make him feel good about himself, and cared for. Kris closed his eyes against Kris’ hair, and silently breathed in his scent.
“Your hair is looking pretty raggedy.” Adam lifted a hand to tousle Kris’ soft, brown hair. “You should let me cut it for you. I have a razor I use on my own hair.” Kris reached up to feel his mop-head of hair, and made a little face. Adam smiled when he saw it.
“Okay, sure. It does really need a cut.”
Adam slid off the cot and stood up. He went over to his vanity table, opened up one of the small chests sitting on the table, and withdrew a shaving razor with a brown, wooden handle.
“Come sit over here.” Adam pointed to the stool in front of the vanity mirror, and Kris came over and plopped down on it. Adam moved behind him, and picked up a comb to brush Kris’ hair out first. Then he trailed his fingers through the strands, parting Kris’ hair in the middle. He held the razor, carefully separated one section of Kris’ hair, and filed the razor against the ends until a good inch of hair dropped off. Adam carefully worked his way through Kris’ hair, cutting off only a little bit at a time, to make sure the end result would look nice.
It took a long time, but Kris sat still in the chair and waited. After a long while of silence, he spoke aloud a thought that had suddenly occurred to him, “You know, Brad hasn’t been around here in a while.” It wasn’t until the words were already out in the open that Kris realized that they may not have been the best thing to say. But he watched Adam’s face anxiously, and saw no change at all.
Adam was just silent for a few seconds as he trimmed another chunk of Kris’ hair, before he confirmed, “No, … he hasn’t.” There was a kind of resignation in his voice. Not a sad or dismal kind, but the kind that saw it as nothing to do anything about, or stress over. “Something must be keeping him tied up.”
Adam surprised himself with the realization of how little it mattered to him. A few moons ago, Brad had been Adam’s only hope for a better life. Adam trailed his fingers through Kris’ hair, and thoughts of Brad dissipated from his mind.
“There we go,” Adam announced with a smile when he was finally finished. Kris ran his hands through his fresh hair cut and examined himself in the mirror.
“It looks really good. Thanks,” Kris smiled up at Adam. “Now let me make you lunch in return.”
“Only if you make something good that I’ll like.”
Kris gave an amused expression. “Have I ever prepared any food you haven’t liked?”
Adam looked like he was deliberating something for a few moments, and made an exaggerated concentrated expression. “No, nothing. Of course, you’re a perfect cook too, on top of everything else you’re wonderful at. Come on, let’s go work on that lunch.”
Adam stuck his head outside the tent and told Michael to come inside once Kris had furnished the table with bread and soup. The three dragged chairs over to the table and sat down to eat. Kris’ soup had vegetables and potatoes in it, and it was flavored just right.
“Adam, I don’t think you should ever bother cooking again. Kris has you beat,” Michael said between giant spoonfuls. Kris laughed, and Adam couldn’t disagree. They were almost finished with the meal when there came the soft rustling sound of the front door being pulled aside. Adam looked up, and an expression almost dreamy appeared on his face when he saw the young man who stepped through.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for Adam Lambert?”
Michael had already jumped to his feet, but Adam was quick to deter him.
“Slow down there. You can sit down.”
Michael sighed, “Adam, you really shouldn’t be exerting yourself…”
Adam rolled his eyes as he stood up from the table. “I need to get back into work sometime, and you can see for yourself that I’m more than fine. Besides, do you really think he - …” Adam pointed a finger towards the small man in the doorway, “..is going to do me considerable amounts of bodily harm?” Adam strode over to the man and draped his arms around his shoulders. “Of course he’s not.” The man was small, slim, and blonde, with the kind of feminine face Adam loved. His brown eyes crinkled as he smiled.
“I’m Adam,” he purred to him, and gave the man’s ear a little nip.
“Well, Kris,” Michael thumped the table with his fist, “Looks like that’s our cue to leave.”
“Mmhm,” Kris agreed, and quickly gathered up the dishes from the table in order to bring them outside to wash at the well.
Adam soon found out that the man’s name was Khalil. He also found out that he liked to ride, and he was good at it too. Adam persuaded him to stay long after he had planned to, and made some nice change in addition to a pleasantly-spent afternoon. The moments were few when Adam actually enjoyed what he did, so he made those times last as long as possible.
At the door much later, Adam slid Khalil’s traveling robes up onto his shoulders for him, while simultaneously sucking lightly at his neck. Adam moved up to his mouth while he fastened the robe’s ties, kissing him for a minute longer once he was done.
Adam followed him outside, and Khalil bade him goodbye with the smile of someone who had just received more than he had ever dreamed of wanting.
Once Khalil was gone, Adam spotted Michael and Kris sitting far off from the tent, in the sand. Adam went over to them, and as soon as he was near, Kris got to his feet.
“My goodness, Adam, finally!” Kris was balancing the stack of dishes in his arms, and hurried off towards the tent to put them away. Michael laughed as he watched him scamper off.
“You should have seen him trying to keep those clean from all the sand and dirt that kept getting blown up. He must have re-washed them at least four times.” Adam chuckled as he sat down next to Michael in Kris’ place.
“Poor guy.”
“The only poor guy I saw today was that kid who just left. I bet he had no idea what he was getting himself into. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought you were strangling him in there, with all those noises and shouting.”
“Hey, he probably just had the best afternoon of his life. And for your information, he was great, so don’t go talking slander on my favorites.”
Michael laughed out loud. “Alright, alright. Whatever you say, Mister Temptress.” Adam shoveled sand in Michael’s direction.
After that, a soft quietness settled around them, filled only with the soft hum of the wind.
Adam had felt light and cheerful from Khalil’s company, but just like the man himself, it was fleeting. Adam sat with his knees drawn up to his chest, and his arms linked loosely around them. He finally spoke, and his tone was soft while he looked off into the distance instead of at Michael.
`“I don’t see how he could ever come to love me,” Adam murmured, his suddenly broken voice steeped in self-loathing and a yearning impossible to describe. The subject change was sudden, but even though it had nothing to do with Khalil, Michael knew immediately to what - and who - Adam was referring. Michael looked away from the slumped, disheartened man.
“Don’t you see? He already does.”
Adam wouldn’t bother getting his hopes up. He couldn’t bear it. His sapphire eyes gazed out into the sky, watching the setting sun paint the heavens.
[[Next]]
((A/N: I haven't pinned down yet exactly where I want this fic to go from here. We're heading into the climax, but I'm still back and forth between a couple different ideas. So far, I haven't really established a definite setting - like what country or time period this is all taking place in, but the plot I choose to go with depends on the setting. So I need all of your opinions on something. I'm leaning right now towards an ending that will have this set in ancient Egypt, and I'm wondering whether or not that would work. Could you picture that as the setting? If you don't think it really fits, please say so, because I don't want to take the story in a sudden awkward direction you guys won't like. So please share your thoughts on this, and whatever else comes to mind. : )
Thanks so much! <3 ))