(no subject)
Wow, I'm exhausted from describing my weekend, and now that I read it, it's such a drawn-out entry.
I'm home. Got here about an hour ago, went to the market and picked up dinner for Bass and Maz. I'm totally awake (thanks to some strong coffee) and missing Ara like absolute crazy. I haven't even vented about my feelings to anyone in a while (except for a facts-only explanation of events to Khal) and I'm starting to lose my mind.
I've accepted everything. I think that happened a couple of days ago. I'm at peace, but still miss him so much. It's more of a wanting to hang out with him type of feeling. Wanting to have a face-to-face conversation, a laugh, a bite to eat. I still haven't figured out if I can be friends with him, and I think about it more now that Dana broke up with her asshole boyfriend with whom she desperately still wants to be friends. It made me realize that the feelings of wanting to keep someone in your life may not always be justified or correct, and therefore I really want to give it time before I even decide on anything like that. I want my emotional state to stabilize. *shrug* And what if I come to a decision that is altogether different from Ara's? God, this is so hard.
I've never done this before. With Mo, it was easy. He's an asshole, he treated me like garbage, and therefore I never spoke to him again. With this, things are different. There are no hard feelings, no spectacular events that tore us apart...just a quiet decision that was made. I actually don't know what to do at all, and God bless everyone who tries to give me advice: "You don't need him"; "You can do so much better"; "He doesn't deserve this attention, move on". They mean well because they want me to feel better, but they are so extreme and so wrong in how they assess the situation and how they assess Ara as a human being. Having to defend him angers me and also makes me feel stupid because he doesn't, after all, want to be with me.
I do think about it less, but I constantly feel it. It's more of a constant, dull, whisper in the back of my mind now. He's doing well and I know that; thank goodness that I can be reassured of those things without compromising the healing process. But I just miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.
I was listening to the Usher "8701" CD on the way to and from San Diego and I remembered how Ara told me it was the first "rap" album he ever bought. It brought a smile to my face looking back on how much he liked the CD and how well he knew each and every song; it was so adorable.
This is kind of overwhelming and I'm driving myself into an emotional zone that is not good. Wrapping up now...
I'm home. Got here about an hour ago, went to the market and picked up dinner for Bass and Maz. I'm totally awake (thanks to some strong coffee) and missing Ara like absolute crazy. I haven't even vented about my feelings to anyone in a while (except for a facts-only explanation of events to Khal) and I'm starting to lose my mind.
I've accepted everything. I think that happened a couple of days ago. I'm at peace, but still miss him so much. It's more of a wanting to hang out with him type of feeling. Wanting to have a face-to-face conversation, a laugh, a bite to eat. I still haven't figured out if I can be friends with him, and I think about it more now that Dana broke up with her asshole boyfriend with whom she desperately still wants to be friends. It made me realize that the feelings of wanting to keep someone in your life may not always be justified or correct, and therefore I really want to give it time before I even decide on anything like that. I want my emotional state to stabilize. *shrug* And what if I come to a decision that is altogether different from Ara's? God, this is so hard.
I've never done this before. With Mo, it was easy. He's an asshole, he treated me like garbage, and therefore I never spoke to him again. With this, things are different. There are no hard feelings, no spectacular events that tore us apart...just a quiet decision that was made. I actually don't know what to do at all, and God bless everyone who tries to give me advice: "You don't need him"; "You can do so much better"; "He doesn't deserve this attention, move on". They mean well because they want me to feel better, but they are so extreme and so wrong in how they assess the situation and how they assess Ara as a human being. Having to defend him angers me and also makes me feel stupid because he doesn't, after all, want to be with me.
I do think about it less, but I constantly feel it. It's more of a constant, dull, whisper in the back of my mind now. He's doing well and I know that; thank goodness that I can be reassured of those things without compromising the healing process. But I just miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.
I was listening to the Usher "8701" CD on the way to and from San Diego and I remembered how Ara told me it was the first "rap" album he ever bought. It brought a smile to my face looking back on how much he liked the CD and how well he knew each and every song; it was so adorable.
This is kind of overwhelming and I'm driving myself into an emotional zone that is not good. Wrapping up now...